THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF "DUDE", WORLD'S STUPIDEST WUS- part 2

Brief recap- The continuing story of Dude has more wrinkles in it than Joan Rivers’ original face. In a nutshell, his much younger Canadian wife cheated on him after one year of marriage with an illegal Mexican son of a taco restaurant owner and wound up carrying his child. She’s now back in Canada but the divorce court judge is insisting on DNA testing despite a signed statement from her regarding the infidelity and won’t grant the divorce or waive Dude’s responsibility for a child that isn’t his unless she submits, which she won’t.

Now, on with the show. As mentioned in the previous episode, Dude developed an online addiction and started spending way too much time on MySpace. He eventually met an “older woman” who is five years older than him. I don’t want to bog this down in rehashing, so in brief she is a person with severe medical issues and a supposedly evil set of children. Dude’s all about rescuing women in worse situations than his own, so it sounded like a match made in slacker-heaven.

However, instead of getting to know this woman and maybe even meeting her in person, he decided he’d cart her all the way from Florida back to his home in Michigan as a way to help her out and avoid potential foreclosure on his home. People told him he was insane but he was hell-bent on driving there and picking her up. Then something weird happened.

Older Lady started flaking out on him. It started with her sending enraged text messages when Dude forgot to add “you” to the end of “Love” in a text regarding getting a good job to support them both. Two days later she still wasn’t answering his texts and voicemail messages. Unlike most rational people, he was still planning to go. It was only a matter of time before he called me to get my opinion.

The first time he called I let it go to voicemail. I was watching “Stepbrothers” and laughing too hard to answer. After his third call and after the movie was over, I called him back. Things had changed by the time we talked.

Dude had reached an epiphany of sorts. After two days, he and Older Lady talked, she grew angry again, and the silent treatment started all over again. He was understandably upset because he still didn’t know her address and was supposed to be coming to get her in a few days. Eventually they did talk again and she confessed her reluctance to make his life more complicated.

That’s admirable, considering what I now know about her life. Dude told me he realized how insane this whole thing was and wouldn’t be bringing her here no matter what. Then he started telling me about her.

As he described Older Lady’s life for me, I realized Dude is incapable of objectivity when he thinks he cares about someone. His descriptions sounded woefully one-sided to me, forcing my mind to fill in the blanks as he spoke. I will refrain from doing so now because I want you to experience it the same way I did.

Dude spun a fascinating tale of Springer-esque dysfunction. Older Lady has two adult children, one girl and one boy. The girl has a Cuban boyfriend. During Older Lady’s struggle with cancer, her daughter decided to introduce her boyfriend’s father to her. They wound up getting married despite his inability to speak English. Per Dude, the daughter pushed this relationship as a way to control her mother. Why? The mother came into some money based on a settlement regarding her medical care.

If this sounds like an episode of “Hillbilly Dynasty” to you, you’re not alone. Older Lady married the Cuban who cheated on her constantly. One time he dropped her off at the drugstore so she could pick up her medication and was gone for an hour. It turned out he was parked on the other side of the building, having a phone conversation with his girlfriend. Understandable. Nothing sucks worse than some annoying, cancerous wife interfering with your other woman situation.

When she wound up in the hospital, her kids stood over her bed, assuming she was unconscious, and discussed how they were going to divide up her things. Her attorney came in, heard this, and told them to get the fuck out.

Is it all starting to make more sense now? This woman whose husband and children mistreated her meets a guy whose wife cheated on him. The common thread here is Hispanic men. He despises them, especially now, and it seems to me he’d love to rescue a woman from their evil clutches.

But give Dude credit for one thing: Even he knows this was a bad idea. Like I told him, what’s to stop her family from blaming you if anything happens to make her medical situation worse? Can you imagine the life you’d lead?

“I never even thought of that! That’s a good point!” he yelled.

So Dude’s right back where he started financially. His day job in real estate isn’t paying off much and his afternoon job doesn’t pay the bills. At night he drinks beer and goes online. His divorce won’t go through until the DNA test occurs and his would-be ex-wife has no intention of traveling back to the U.S., supposedly because of the cost.

Something doesn’t seem right about that. In fact, something about Dude’s entire story seems off. He is a man on the verge of mental collapse, angry, bitter, and dejected. It wouldn’t surprise me if he took some people with him when he blew.

He proved this the other day when he told his supervisor, formerly known as EFB, to fuck off.

But let’s not get into that just yet…

SCRIBE'S YEAR'S END LIST OF SHIT TO PONDER...

As year’s end swiftly approaches like satanic puppies nipping at our heels for devil-kibble, it just might be time to seek shelter, read a Bible passage, and think back on what we’ve learned this past year. And so I am responding to and tagging others for these ten questions of utter import that will change the world, divide nations, destroy religions and finally get rid of reality TV!


- What region of the country most disgusts you now? Well, I can’t say it does “now,” because the southern U.S. always disgusted me, but as the only region that didn’t wake up and vote for the best interests of the nation due to inbred prejudice and outdated so-called “values,” I was reminded why I keep my two-toned ASSNorth of the Mason Dixon.

- What single person or action changed your perception of a group or individual? When I saw Congress throw hundreds of billions of dollars to bail out sleazy banking institutions without any real restritions while placing the CEO’s of the Big Three under the hot light.

- What moment confirmed your worst fears about the human race? This one was tough but I have to go with Rudy Guiliani using the tragedy of 9/11 to advance his presidential aspirations. There aren’t enough words in any language to express how wrong, unethical and repugnant that was.

- What moment reaffirmed that tiny, hidden glimmer of optimism you pretend not to have? Who told you I…oh, right I wrote this. The election of Barrack Obama and Joe Biden (let us not forget him) reignited a long doused spark of hope in this cynic’s heart.

- Name one thing you realized was an exercise in futility this year. Debating with neo-cons. When one is so brainwashed as to be incapable of thinking beyond their flawed dogma, they are also incapable of learning from others.

- Who let you down the most this year? I wrote about him before, although technically his real betrayal occurred in 2006. Still, the fact that he has all but professed his undying love for EFB places him at the top of the list for another year.

- If this were the year you were given a “do-over,” would you use it or exchange it for some other year? This year hasn’t really been all that bad for me. I would exchange it for 2002.

- Was there a book or film that affected you deeply this year? If so, what? There were a few books, actually and one film. If forced to choose a single book, though, I’d have to choose Christopher Moore’s “Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal.” It is much more than a hilarious satire, it actually causes the intelligent reader (and me) to re-examine Jesus and his story in a positive way. Tied with "Lamb" is Michael Chabon's "The Adventures of Kavalier & Clay," possibly the most amazing novel I have ever read. The film would be Michael Moore’s “Sicko.” Hmm, “Moore” seems to be the recurring theme here. Maybe I should change my last name: Nah, How could I work that into my real name, Count Monster Rod VonHugenstein?



- Did anything become an addiction for you this year? If so, what and why? I became addicted to watching science fiction series like Stargate & Babylon 5 on DVD so I could create marathons. In one case, I watched an entire season of Babylon 5 in less than a week! I’m in therapy now and really find that sleeping with my therapist helps. I just wish he’d be the power bottom once in a while.

What if anything about this year do you sincerely hope carries over into 2009? The prevailing optimism about the future inspired by a biracial man whose charisma is swiftly making him the next Robert Kennedy…hopefully he doesn’t wind up the same way.

I tag all of you because I am sincerely interested in reading your responses; enjoy that, it likely won't happen again...get to work!!!

SCRIBE'S SELF-HELP SEMINAR:

Enough with politics, I see no reason why I shouldn’t jump on the self-help bandwagon and force people to see life through my eyes by pretending to love humanity. Only a fool or a politician wouldn’t know these people have naught but contempt for the human herd and obviously there are a lot of both groups because dem books be flyin’ off da shelf!

I want in. I wanna go on Oprah and tell everybody how to live and get stuff they’ve always wanted. I want to be seen as an expert on a field I have barely worked in, if at all, and get paid for it. I want to sit next to Montel and agree with his endless platitues and make it sound like we’re on the same wavelength and that’s why he’s so bloody brilliant.

And it all starts here, with a list of ten things of undeniable insight and unavoidable brilliance. Ten items of such wisdom that idiots will go blind upon reading them. Ten items that will expose the soft, seamy under-belly of human delusion and cause the planets to align while cats and dogs sing together at the left hand of God Himself!!!!

Priase my name! Praise it!!! Hugga bugga woooda bahsanta rie!!! Got me speakin’ in tongues up in heah!!!

And don’t forget it because what I just said above was the most important piece of the puzzle that will solve the biggest human conundrum: What Would Brian Boitano Do?

The list unfolds below:

- People who use the word “classy” rarely are.

- Speaking in tongues is probably the most ingenious scam ever devised by an organized religion.

- Guys that drive huge trucks have teeney weeney peenies.

- Republicans are like retarded children & should be pitied behind their backs & ridiculed to their faces.

- Women are only able to use sex as a form of blackmail on guys that aren't any good at it.

- Road rage is the direct result of over-civilizing & political correctness.

- God & Oprah are the same being, which is why I don't care for either one of them.

- Mormon's and Scientologists are God/Oprah's way of saying, "See? Religion can be funny."

- Somebody is always going to think they came up with an idea once it's popular. Not me, though. I really did write Star Wars before George Lucas. I was one brilliant toddler but my agent sucked.

- Scribe is the end-all, be-all authority on all things sociopolitical now that he has dethroned the artist formerly known as EFB's know-it-all brother...not the one mentioned below but the other one. (More on that in a later post once we've had a long enough break from politics)

I realize I have a work of fiction coming out soon (publisher said will be ready to order from the printer in 2 weeks or less) but my self-help could make me a guru. Who doesn't wanna be a guru, doing...guru stuff and...other things gurus do...

Wait. Should I have admitted what I'm up to?

Hold on, people, Scribe the Wise needs to administer a little self-help and this time I don't mean masturbation...although that will probbaly happen as well!

DAMN YOU, AFFIRMATIVE ACTION!!!

Thanks to preferential treatment legislation making sure those pesky minorities are represented in government jobs, we now face the possibility of a vice-president with a severe neurological disorder!!!

To quote Scott Evil, "Get away from you, you lazy-eyed psycho!"

What's next, midget cops and armless firefighters???