THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF "DUDE", WORLD'S STUPIDEST WUS- part 2

Brief recap- The continuing story of Dude has more wrinkles in it than Joan Rivers’ original face. In a nutshell, his much younger Canadian wife cheated on him after one year of marriage with an illegal Mexican son of a taco restaurant owner and wound up carrying his child. She’s now back in Canada but the divorce court judge is insisting on DNA testing despite a signed statement from her regarding the infidelity and won’t grant the divorce or waive Dude’s responsibility for a child that isn’t his unless she submits, which she won’t.

Now, on with the show. As mentioned in the previous episode, Dude developed an online addiction and started spending way too much time on MySpace. He eventually met an “older woman” who is five years older than him. I don’t want to bog this down in rehashing, so in brief she is a person with severe medical issues and a supposedly evil set of children. Dude’s all about rescuing women in worse situations than his own, so it sounded like a match made in slacker-heaven.

However, instead of getting to know this woman and maybe even meeting her in person, he decided he’d cart her all the way from Florida back to his home in Michigan as a way to help her out and avoid potential foreclosure on his home. People told him he was insane but he was hell-bent on driving there and picking her up. Then something weird happened.

Older Lady started flaking out on him. It started with her sending enraged text messages when Dude forgot to add “you” to the end of “Love” in a text regarding getting a good job to support them both. Two days later she still wasn’t answering his texts and voicemail messages. Unlike most rational people, he was still planning to go. It was only a matter of time before he called me to get my opinion.

The first time he called I let it go to voicemail. I was watching “Stepbrothers” and laughing too hard to answer. After his third call and after the movie was over, I called him back. Things had changed by the time we talked.

Dude had reached an epiphany of sorts. After two days, he and Older Lady talked, she grew angry again, and the silent treatment started all over again. He was understandably upset because he still didn’t know her address and was supposed to be coming to get her in a few days. Eventually they did talk again and she confessed her reluctance to make his life more complicated.

That’s admirable, considering what I now know about her life. Dude told me he realized how insane this whole thing was and wouldn’t be bringing her here no matter what. Then he started telling me about her.

As he described Older Lady’s life for me, I realized Dude is incapable of objectivity when he thinks he cares about someone. His descriptions sounded woefully one-sided to me, forcing my mind to fill in the blanks as he spoke. I will refrain from doing so now because I want you to experience it the same way I did.

Dude spun a fascinating tale of Springer-esque dysfunction. Older Lady has two adult children, one girl and one boy. The girl has a Cuban boyfriend. During Older Lady’s struggle with cancer, her daughter decided to introduce her boyfriend’s father to her. They wound up getting married despite his inability to speak English. Per Dude, the daughter pushed this relationship as a way to control her mother. Why? The mother came into some money based on a settlement regarding her medical care.

If this sounds like an episode of “Hillbilly Dynasty” to you, you’re not alone. Older Lady married the Cuban who cheated on her constantly. One time he dropped her off at the drugstore so she could pick up her medication and was gone for an hour. It turned out he was parked on the other side of the building, having a phone conversation with his girlfriend. Understandable. Nothing sucks worse than some annoying, cancerous wife interfering with your other woman situation.

When she wound up in the hospital, her kids stood over her bed, assuming she was unconscious, and discussed how they were going to divide up her things. Her attorney came in, heard this, and told them to get the fuck out.

Is it all starting to make more sense now? This woman whose husband and children mistreated her meets a guy whose wife cheated on him. The common thread here is Hispanic men. He despises them, especially now, and it seems to me he’d love to rescue a woman from their evil clutches.

But give Dude credit for one thing: Even he knows this was a bad idea. Like I told him, what’s to stop her family from blaming you if anything happens to make her medical situation worse? Can you imagine the life you’d lead?

“I never even thought of that! That’s a good point!” he yelled.

So Dude’s right back where he started financially. His day job in real estate isn’t paying off much and his afternoon job doesn’t pay the bills. At night he drinks beer and goes online. His divorce won’t go through until the DNA test occurs and his would-be ex-wife has no intention of traveling back to the U.S., supposedly because of the cost.

Something doesn’t seem right about that. In fact, something about Dude’s entire story seems off. He is a man on the verge of mental collapse, angry, bitter, and dejected. It wouldn’t surprise me if he took some people with him when he blew.

He proved this the other day when he told his supervisor, formerly known as EFB, to fuck off.

But let’s not get into that just yet…

THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF "DUDE", WORLD'S STUPIDEST WUS

I’ve picked up a new reader lately, hopefully one who will stay long enough to realize I don’t really mean it, I’m just drawn that way. I tend to approach my writing like a cop with a door ramming thingee, head on by appearance but I make sure I duck when all the real people of action walk through the door.

So, when someone is an idiot or plays one on TV, I tend to point that out. One of my favorite idiots in 2008 was a guy I have named “Dude” to protect his identity and to ensure I could call him every name in my arsenal.

In brief, Dude is a Gen-X slacker who married a girl ten years younger than him who eventually wound up cheating within one year of their marriage and pregnant with the child of an illegal Mexican immigrant. Dude is also a racist and a sexist whose outlook and mentality harkens back to a time before he was born. In my previous Dude post, I mentioned how he wished his soon-to-be ex-wife’s baby dead because of the inconvenience and felt bad for her because of the pain she endured during childbirth. He’s also a know-it-all asshole who can’t be told what to do at work and thinks he could restructure any work environment to be more efficient.

Now that we’ve all become reacquainted with his dude-ness, we can discuss his latest insanity. When he carted his ex back to the Canadian border so she could give birth in her homeland in order to avoid any requirements on his part to be responsible for the child, Dude discovered what former president George Dubya called, “The internets.”

More pacifically, Dude found Myspace and it wasn’t pretty.

Dude went from being relatively ignorant of the online experience aside from the purely informational to acting like it was the year 2000 and all this stuff was brand new. He needed to feel good about himself, so he started flirting his ass off with every reasonably attractive female whose birthdates didn’t occur prior to the Eighties.

Dude likes ‘em young. So it came as a huge surprise when he dropped this particular bomb I’m about to describe a few days ago.

Thanks to a lot of ridicule of his concentration on younger women, Dude wound up “meeting” what he calls an “older lady.” She’s in her early forties; he is in his late thirties.

The two of them met on Myspace and he liked what he saw. I guess she did, too, although Lord knows how she could have if she saw those shots of him in the hunter’s cap with the shotgun looking like Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies; a neat trick for a guy who claims to be from a sophisticated and educated family.

This “older lady” who is all of five years older than Dude is apparently an attractive woman with a good body, the kind white guys love where there’s no waist, negligible hips and massive tits. At least that’s what her profile pic tells him.

You see, Dude and Older Lady haven’t met in person yet. She lives in Florida, he lives in Michigan. Dude is what my black friends would refer to as a “Captain Save-a-Ho,” meaning he must be in constant female rescue mode to feel validated. In fact, these past few months without a woman to save have seen him at his most despondent, obnoxious and aimless. It’s still unclear how he was saving his ex since she was working two jobs and drinking like a fish, but that’s his deal I guess.

The important element here is that Older Lady is a study in dysfunction. She has medical issues, evil children who plot to divvy up her stuff when they think she’s unconscious and dying in the hospital, and is unable to work due to restrictions. She does, however, get a sizable check every month, a fact that undoubtedly caused the financially floundering Dude to salivate over the possibilities. Like many in Michigan, he is facing impending foreclosure. Unlike many, it’s because he suffers from what I call “Ralph Kramden Syndrome.” That’s the deadly affliction that makes lovable losers think they can get rich quick all the time. Okay, maybe not lovable in this case, but still…

Dude is planning to do what any sensible, right-minded individual would do. Sight unseen except for a twenty-year-old photo, he is heading to Florida to pick her up and bring her back to live with him.

Did I mention they’ve only corresponded via Internet and phone? Apparently within a few short months they’ve already reached the point where they text “I love you” back and forth.

I was going to end this post here as a cliffhanger until next week when Dude actually drove to Miami to pick up the new love of his life. It would’ve been the perfect place to stop, considering that was all the information I had. Besides, you guys most likely would have been anxious to find out what happened next.

But something happened to further complicate this already bizarre romantic scenario.

Dude came to work Saturday morning worried, saying he wondered if he’d made a “fatal error.” When pressed to explain his seemingly melodramatic word choice, he said Older Lady got all psycho-bitch on him the previous night.

Dude is old school and old country. When he steps into a relationship-type situation, he immediately starts acting like a husband of fifty years. Despite the fact that Older Lady’s monthly income would help with the overall finances, Dude is still Ralph Kramdening his ass off as he seeks out other moneymaking opportunities. Like any decent, caring man, he decided to share the news with his significant other.

What he texted, basically, was how he’d found a job that would make ”us” a good amount of money and he’d tell her more about it tomorrow. He was exhausted that night and could barely finish his text message before falling asleep. Instead of “Love you,” he was only able to type “Love.”

Older Lady sent back a furious reply containing the abbreviation “KMA” which apparently stands for “kiss my ass"” and said the “same shit is happening all over again.” Shocked, Dude asked her what she’d meant and, in a pussy-whipped move that will surely revoke his NOMAAM membership, asked her what he’d done. She didn’t reply. In fact, she wouldn’t answer his phone calls either.

So now Dude was worried. Had he made a fatal error? Would he come to his senses and realize the kind of woman who would pick up and move to a different state with a man she’s only spoken to on the phone is probably not someone he wants living in his home? Would he be Dude is you answered “yes” to either of those questions?

Dude was told in no uncertain terms that he needed to consider not going to Miami to get her. In fact, he was even told it would be better to lose his house than to deal with what could be a really bad situation. Dude, who never disappoints, said, “No, I’ve gotta keep my promise to her.”

Promise to whom? The phantom online honey that might not even be the one in the picture? The crazy person who tells you she loves you, decides to move in with you and then goes nuts over an incomplete text message? What’s really going on here, and he all but admitted it, is that he’s desperate to get out of his financial slump. He needs her for this. But what will happen once that slump has ended?

No wonder the person he told was sworn to secrecy when it came to me. He wants to tell me on his own. He knows I have a talent for making people see reason and he is avoiding me because of it.

As much as I generally despise Dude, he is still technically in the Fraternal Order of Men and so I am duty-bound to observe the “Bros before ho's” dictum, despite so many feminized white guys out there who no longer understand the bond. But I will only say something if he tells me about it.

Stay tuned. This is going to be interesting~

STATE OF THE SO-CALLED "UNION" part 6 in an ongoing rant

Scribe's presidential candiate endorsement.

I know you've all been waiting for this, so here goes:

I must confess I’m rather nervous right now. Nervous about how the presidential election will turn out. Nervous about the state of my nation. Nervous about the nation’s future.

I’m also disgusted. Disgusted that John McCain has a chance at actually becoming president of the United States. Disgusted that there is such a thing as a “Bradley Effect.” Disgusted that there are still undecided voters out there.

The last time I felt like this was 2004. It was also he first time I ever felt like this. In 2000, I assumed the election was a given in Al Gore’s favor. How could he lose? He was coming off eight years of unprecedented economic prosperity and had served under a president whose approval rating was huge. His opponent was a poorly spoken idiot whose major accomplishments involved an ability to get out of trouble after creating it for others. He was a smirking, stammering, chimp of a man and in no way reflective of America at large.

Then reality bitch slapped me a couple dozen times and I woke up to a whole new nation. The morons had risen up and overthrown the thinkers in a bloodless coup d’etat. Working in concert with activist judges and comic book level villainy in the form of Karl Rove (Never trust a guy named Karl when his name is spelled with a “K”) they took the Whitehouse and changed all the drapes.

Gore didn’t help, Of course. His performance in the first debate was deplorable. He came off as arrogant, impatient and immature. When you make George W Bush look good, you have officially lost it. In addition, he deemphasized his connection to Bill Clinton, wrongly assuming the Lewinski scandal was a deciding factor amongst most voters. Why he would distance himself from a popular and successful president under who he served directly is anybody’s guess.

These days Al Gore does speaking engagements on global warming, thereby opening himself up to merciless lampooning on South Park.

In 2004 the Democrats ran John Kerry, a rather weak candidate but still light-years ahead of W and his Halliburton cronies. The margin of loss was narrow and due mainly to Kerry’s unwillingness or inability to defend himself in an assertive manner. The Swiftboat lies were easily disproved and disputed, yet he did and said next to nothing. He never even mentioned W’s draft dodging record or that none of his administration had served in the military.

Also, Kerry’s demeanor tuned off what Sara Palin so giddily refers to as “Joe Six-pack.” Un-used to reserved intellectuals, the average American finds guys like Kerry threatening and elitist.

Thanks to a complete lack of sophistication in large sections of my country, W got back in and continued to wage his war on a noun and drive us further into debt with the Chinese.

W is now a lame duck and all the insults and one-liners that brings to mind. He and his Cheney-inspired hooligans are on their way to lucrative private sector consultant jobs and speaking engagements. The void being left by them is the most vital one to be filled in a long, long time.

I do not believe John McCain is the man to fill that void. I had my reservations about Barrack Obama in the beginning but he has shown himself to have the correct demeanor and outlook for the job. By contrast, McCain has shown himself to be an increasingly weird, out of touch old man who is more in love with his self-perception as a maverick than his country.

As If McCain’s smarmy, erratic behavior weren’t enough, his obviously impaired judgment is even worse. How else do we explain him allowing his handlers to choose Sara Palin as his running mate? An embarrassment to intelligent, worldly women everywhere, Palin’s moronic utterances proved the so-called “stereotype” that the average conservative prefers women who are pleasant to look while being almost completely devoid of any inner substance: Attractive and agreeable baby-machines that can be unleashed on those filthy liberals like poorly trained attack dogs.

Obama’s choice of Joe Biden cemented others’ and mine opinion that he was the choice this time around. These two together have a chance of reclaiming some of this country’s credibility and influence with other nations. I know neo-cons love to act like they don’t care what other countries think while spending trillions to influence their opinions but we are hated for a reason. Actually, we are hated for several reasons. We are arrogant, provincial control freaks sorely in need of a wakeup call. Being a super-power in massive debt isn’t a stable situation as anyone with a background in middle school civics can attest.

We don’t need another old world cold warrior presiding over our government. We don’t need someone who doesn’t understand the enemy lobbing bombs at them. We need people who can practice empathy with toughness. Someone who understands the world situation and the way other people think, not someone whose main ambition is to get payback for his time spent in a prisoner of war camp.

Oddly enough, it as perfectly acceptable to attack John Kerry’s wartime record despite proof that people who never served with him fabricated the claims. But when it’s a Republican, somehow their record is sacred? Sorry, John McCain wasn’t a very good pilot (5 crashed planes don’t lie) and he doesn’t deserve the presidency because he had the bad luck of being captured and tortured. Traumatic experiences like that scar people for life and sometimes leave them with an undying thirst for revenge.

That’s what disgusts and makes me most nervous, the idea of yet another emotionally damaged human being in the Oval Office. I’ll do my part to make sure it doesn’t happen, but I’m just one drop dead gorgeous guy. You must do the same.

Worst-case scenario: If McPalin does win, I will comfort myself with the following quote from a Crowded House song:

“Julius Caesar and the Roman Empire/Couldn’t conquer the blue sky.”

Let’s hope that’s still true today~

WHY BARACK OBAMA, WHY!?

Scribe has just uncovered a scandal that could topple the presidential election in John McCain’s favor! I’m not sure how to handle this new information and it frightens me to be its custodian. Why must I always be burdened with these things? I haven’t spoken of it aloud so far, but it is eating me up inside and I must now share it with people I trust.

Barrack Obama, my candidate for president of the office of President of the United States, has a scandal. Sadly, it has the potential to derail his positive momentum and place John McCain in the White House this coming January. My fear is that it will get out through another source, one less sympathetic than I. So, with a heavy sigh and some underwear soiling, I am revealing Obama’s scandal here on this award-winning blog before the neo-cons can exploit it.

Barrack Obama has an illegitimate child. There, I said it. How do I know, you ask? Thank of one of my co-workers who was overheard talking about it. I was between calls and overheard her mention her “baby-daddy.” Another co-worker asked her who she was referring to and the first one said…hold onto your lacey anklets…BARACK OBAMA!!!

Making reference to “them pretty white teeth,” Barack's secret baby-mama giggled like a schoolgirl, an obvious bit of needed evidence that they kicked it electoral style! I was saddened by this revelation. I was even more saddened when I realized which co-worker had made the comment. I like to think he can do better! But his wife’s not exactly Vivica A. Fox, is she?

I decided to call my good and close friend Barrack and ask him why he would do such a thing. He was his normal charming self and soon made me forget my question by telling me what an intelligent question it was. Before I knew it, he and I were singing “Sweet Home Alabama” (neither of us is from there) and sharing memories of Married: With Children episodes. It would be another two days before I came down from my euphoria and realized I never got an answer to my question.

The magnificent bastard had worked his mojo on me yet again. But lately my concern has returned like a boil upon the upper thigh of democracy. Am I overreacting? We know how Americans demand perfection from their elected officials. Basing their assessments on outdated puritanical H.S. standards, the slightest moral misstep can destroy a viable candidate’s future forever. Remember Gary Hart? What do you mean no? I’m not that old!

A love child can be more damaging to a candidate’s aspirations than any photo of a toothy floozy sitting on one’s lap. A less than attractive baby-mama just makes it worse.

Well, the secret is out now. All we can do at this point is damage control. As an expert in the arena of Pubic Relations, I recommend that Obama and his wife make a big deal out of the baby-mama’s incompetence and sue her for custody. The cover story should be that she was their housekeeper and slipped him a Mickey so she could have her way with him and them pretty white teeth of his. In fact, the teeth comment can be used as proof that she was more interested in his DNA than in him as a person, thereby establishing proof of dehumanization.

We should also find a way to get someone at my job to mention how great McCain is in bed when he wears the little bo peep outfit. We should also float a rumor that his time spent in the POW camp was actually a mission he was sent on to funnel Vietnamese prostitutes to America. Apparently his actions in real life, including leaving his terminally ill first wife for a woman with more money, and his hateful, violent outbursts at those who “betrayed” him are not enough. Nor is his abysmal record in relation to Bush. I guess Americans are too smart to fall for facts. Besides, it’s a well-known truism that scandal only applies to Democrats thanks to our wonderful corporate run media. Those homo-erotic pictures of Bush and McCain hugging down low should’ve been enough scandal for anybody!

Come to think of it, republicans tend to be immune to scandal. Great, now what?

Oh, wait! That’s right! The vice-presidential debate is this week! The qualified Joe Biden is debating the female Dan Quayle. By the time that’s over, all else should be forgotten.

Hope floats~



(Oh, no! After I finished this, another co-worker told yet another one she knew she watched the debate because Obama is her boyfriend! Dammit, Obama! Why can’t you keep it in your pants???)