WHY BARACK OBAMA, WHY!?

Scribe has just uncovered a scandal that could topple the presidential election in John McCain’s favor! I’m not sure how to handle this new information and it frightens me to be its custodian. Why must I always be burdened with these things? I haven’t spoken of it aloud so far, but it is eating me up inside and I must now share it with people I trust.

Barrack Obama, my candidate for president of the office of President of the United States, has a scandal. Sadly, it has the potential to derail his positive momentum and place John McCain in the White House this coming January. My fear is that it will get out through another source, one less sympathetic than I. So, with a heavy sigh and some underwear soiling, I am revealing Obama’s scandal here on this award-winning blog before the neo-cons can exploit it.

Barrack Obama has an illegitimate child. There, I said it. How do I know, you ask? Thank of one of my co-workers who was overheard talking about it. I was between calls and overheard her mention her “baby-daddy.” Another co-worker asked her who she was referring to and the first one said…hold onto your lacey anklets…BARACK OBAMA!!!

Making reference to “them pretty white teeth,” Barack's secret baby-mama giggled like a schoolgirl, an obvious bit of needed evidence that they kicked it electoral style! I was saddened by this revelation. I was even more saddened when I realized which co-worker had made the comment. I like to think he can do better! But his wife’s not exactly Vivica A. Fox, is she?

I decided to call my good and close friend Barrack and ask him why he would do such a thing. He was his normal charming self and soon made me forget my question by telling me what an intelligent question it was. Before I knew it, he and I were singing “Sweet Home Alabama” (neither of us is from there) and sharing memories of Married: With Children episodes. It would be another two days before I came down from my euphoria and realized I never got an answer to my question.

The magnificent bastard had worked his mojo on me yet again. But lately my concern has returned like a boil upon the upper thigh of democracy. Am I overreacting? We know how Americans demand perfection from their elected officials. Basing their assessments on outdated puritanical H.S. standards, the slightest moral misstep can destroy a viable candidate’s future forever. Remember Gary Hart? What do you mean no? I’m not that old!

A love child can be more damaging to a candidate’s aspirations than any photo of a toothy floozy sitting on one’s lap. A less than attractive baby-mama just makes it worse.

Well, the secret is out now. All we can do at this point is damage control. As an expert in the arena of Pubic Relations, I recommend that Obama and his wife make a big deal out of the baby-mama’s incompetence and sue her for custody. The cover story should be that she was their housekeeper and slipped him a Mickey so she could have her way with him and them pretty white teeth of his. In fact, the teeth comment can be used as proof that she was more interested in his DNA than in him as a person, thereby establishing proof of dehumanization.

We should also find a way to get someone at my job to mention how great McCain is in bed when he wears the little bo peep outfit. We should also float a rumor that his time spent in the POW camp was actually a mission he was sent on to funnel Vietnamese prostitutes to America. Apparently his actions in real life, including leaving his terminally ill first wife for a woman with more money, and his hateful, violent outbursts at those who “betrayed” him are not enough. Nor is his abysmal record in relation to Bush. I guess Americans are too smart to fall for facts. Besides, it’s a well-known truism that scandal only applies to Democrats thanks to our wonderful corporate run media. Those homo-erotic pictures of Bush and McCain hugging down low should’ve been enough scandal for anybody!

Come to think of it, republicans tend to be immune to scandal. Great, now what?

Oh, wait! That’s right! The vice-presidential debate is this week! The qualified Joe Biden is debating the female Dan Quayle. By the time that’s over, all else should be forgotten.

Hope floats~



(Oh, no! After I finished this, another co-worker told yet another one she knew she watched the debate because Obama is her boyfriend! Dammit, Obama! Why can’t you keep it in your pants???)