'HOOD RATS The conclusion of my trilogy of offensiveness (for now)

In my ongoing quest to show how stupid people are, I have decided to go group-by-group until I have singled out and offended the entire planet and at least three off-world colonies you’re not yet aware of. The last installment dealt with PWT and all the joy they bring to the world. This time Scribe’s Spotlight (Hey, what a good name for this feature!) shines on hood rats and the love they spread to the rest of us. You will no doubt notice a few striking similarities, as I am still unconvinced that these two groups are actually different from each other.

In fact, during my ‘X-Files” conspiracy theorist days, I had this elaborate theory that they were one and the same and only died their skin to fool the rest of us. No worries, though. I am in therapy and am on some special medication now and can see things for what they really are: An alien-inspired illusion meant to train us as cannon fodder in various interstellar bids for power.

But enough about religion: Here’s what I find annoying about hood rats:

ADULT DIAPERS AREN’T JUST FOR OLD PEOPLE ANYMORE. For the past fifteen years or so, there’s been a real problem with young male hood rats. They are apparently incontinent. How do I know this? I reached the conclusion when I noticed that a vast majority of them appear to have crapped their pants and no longer possess the motor skills necessary to clean up the mess. Thus they are forced to walk around with their pants down to their ankles. While this is a a rather comical visual, especially when they look like the little guy who had to reach down to his feet to pull out his wallet I saw in a gas station once, but it a severe problem. ...OK, enough sarcasm. This is an obnoxious fad that has out-stayed its welcome and brings with it every negative stereotype and connotation imaginable. What kind of loser would want their style of dress to mimic what the prisoners in holding look like when they have to remove their belts? And although I mentioned youth, I’ve seen some as old as 50 sporting this look! Shameful and disgusting.

IF YOU CAN CREATE A POP CULTURE EXPRESSION FOR THE BEHAVIOR, YOU CAN DIGNIFY IT. This is common practice amongst hood rats, which are always striving for new ways to make themselves repulsive to mainstream society. My favorite example is the “baby’s daddy/mama” expression I first heard when visiting a woman I dated briefly. No, it wasn’t my kid! We were just friends at that point and she kept referring to her baby’s daddy, who she had at one time claimed was her husband (more on that next). This was in the mid-Nineties and I’d never heard it said before. And she drawled it out to the point where ya just wanted to stomp on her feet and tell her to hurry the hell up! My friend who came with me had never heard it either and he was didn’t live far from her! I can only guess the phrase originated in the south where most obnoxious trends in hood life seem to originate these days. Within a year I was hearing it everywhere. Thanks to pop music and daytime TV talk shows, it was soon being used by lots of different people. The rule seems to be that if it can be made to sound cool, it’s normal. They’re so good at convincing themselves of this that they believe everybody is the same! You can’t convince them otherwise, which also makes them hicks of the highest order.

IN NAME ONLY. As mentioned above, there is a tendency for hood rats to have “play-relatives” and spouses. For those who have never experienced this one, allow me to elucidate: An ex-girlfriend introduced me to her sister who looked nothing like her. I remarked on the fact and, eventually, the ex informed me she was her ”play-sister.” I told her how dumb I thought this was and there was an argument, of course. Whatever. I’ve since met women who claimed to be married whose significant others never even proposed to them. One former co-worker went on and on about her “huuuuuussssbbbbiiinnnn” and her daughter whose last name mysteriously reflected the mom’s. She once claimed to have “lost” her engagement ring which we saw daily for many months straight and moved out of her “husband’s house” in order to take advantage of government assistance when her baby was born. Why this was necessary when her (snicker) spouse had a very good job at one of the auto plants is beyond me. Is it even legal to give your child your maiden name if you’re married? In all fairness, this is a trend that seems to be reversing itself in the area of marriage but it isn’t going anywhere when it comes to relatives.

LET THE GUBMINT DO IT! Loath as I am to agree with anything spouted by the likes of Rush “Hillbilly Heroin” Limbaugh or Michael “S-t talker, esq.” Savage, they are right about one thing: There really are professional welfare recipients. I’ve seen them and met them. Thanks to the ex mentioned above, I’ve seen them up close and personal. The irony is how hard they work at maintaining government assistance. It’s often similar to the effort necessary to keep a decent job. There’s more scheming, plotting and planning involved in keeping the public till going than in the average intelligence operation out of Langley! As if this isn’t bad enough, many hood rats find this to be a source of pride and brag openly about it. It’s as if they’re daring someone to say something about it so they can create a racial incident. Much like the first group, this one makes everybody look bad and supports every conceivable negative stereotype and not-so-stereo-type.

PROPONENTS OF THE NOBLE SAVAGE THEORY REJOICE! For those unfamiliar with this concept, the noble savage theory is one espoused by members of an oppressed minority who tend to like to think their origins are steeped in perfection and greatness. Instead of being realistic about where they came from, some people choose to deify their ancestors to the point where their actions become polarizing and disturbing. A religion has cropped up around this mentality that teaches how a member of the only true race went rogue and created all the others who, of course, have no souls. (Don’t believe me? Click the link at the end of this post.) The idea is that if not for the intervention of a mad scientist, the world would be a mono-toned utopia. As laughably absurd as that is, there are many who embrace it, or at least a moderate version. These are the angry, militant hood rats that think they’re highly educated and judge all others as inferior and evil while dwelling in decaying neighborhoods with neighbors that are easily impressed. Usually male, the noble savage proponent loved to ignore accepted history in favor of the “real” knowledge, pronounced “rill nahlitch” of those highly evolved and technologically proficient ancestors who created everything and didn’t create foul odors when they went to the bathroom. He’s easy to laugh at, but ignore him at your own peril.

Well, there ya go. I promised myself I would stop with five on these so I am swallowing the remaining 50 billion I could have included. I’m not sure which group I’m going to pick on next, but rest assured I will come up with something pretty soon~

Discuss!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yakub