Well, it's official. 2009 has been just about the worst year of my life. It's been so fucked up, in fact, that I have had no small measure of difficulty writing about most of it. Some of it was embarrassing or downright humiliating, some of it was just plain fucked up. But even worse, my dream kinda sorta came true in the midst of everything else, thereby insuring that I couldn't enjoy it for more than a brief moment.
My real-life friend and fellow off-and-on blogger K just posted a simliar blog entry where she provided some highlights and lowlights of her year in review. I have decided to do the same, except I'll only focus on my own life rather than the larger picture because I'm just that important.
(The very few) Highlights:
My novel was published.
I was employed.
Some people purchased copies of my novel.
The Many Lowlights:
I was nearly thrown in jail for missing the deadline on a traffic ticket
I dropped over a thousand dollars on my car that still runs like shit
My supervisor wound up pregnant despite having had her tubes tied and was replaced by a robot whose unrealistic expectations placed my job in jeopardy
I nearly foreclosed on my mortgage due to the State of Michigan randomly pulling out almost a thousand dollars for a 13 year old debt at the exact moment I was going to pay the mortgage
My one and only book signing was a total failure
My next supervisor was equally robotic and unrealistic and I discovered that her nickname is "Exit Interview."
I lost my job right before Christmas. Thankfully, I had an offer for a new job within 48 hours & have been hired for similar pay and benefits but at a much shittier place.
I went on Facebook one day and saw pictures of the former love of my life getting married
I searched very hard for a reason to live to see 2010 (reason still pending)
So needless to say 2010 could be even worse. All the things that took place in 2009 could deteriorate in the coming year or give birth to worse things. I put up a good act on Facebook but daily I am falling apart and I sincerely doubt that's going to change.
Happy fucking new year~
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
EXTENDED STAY ANNOUNCEMENT
Far too much has happened of late for me to stop adding to this blog at the end of December. So as of now, I am extending its updates until at least the end of January, possibly February. I feel an undeniable need to vent and this is where I come to do it.
So you will have old Scribe to kick around a bit longer. Besides, I have this weird feeling that blogging is about to make a comeback in light of all the privacy intrusions happening at Facebook. We'll see, I guess.
Coming up next, tranny wedding pics!!!
So you will have old Scribe to kick around a bit longer. Besides, I have this weird feeling that blogging is about to make a comeback in light of all the privacy intrusions happening at Facebook. We'll see, I guess.
Coming up next, tranny wedding pics!!!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
A RANT THAT CAN ONLY BE FOUND HERE.
The main thing I’m going to miss about this blog is the freedom it provides for me to post things like this. Nowhere else do I feel relatively safe to do this without fear of reprisal. American Guy once asked why someone would want to continue posting under a pseudonym instead of under their own name on sites like Facebook…well, this is why.
A few years ago when blogging was still the big deal, there was an unnamed attorney whose no comments enabled blog was used to just rail against his wife. God, did he despise her. She seemed to be everything he found reprehensible, shallow, whiney, demanding and never satisfied. It was a blog of note for quite some time, and I always found it amusing that an ATTORNEY had the temerity to take a position of moral superiority.
One female blogger used hers as a way of lamenting her horrible relationship and her lack of willingness to change it. She didn’t last long, however, so I’ve often wondered if she got caught writing it or jut gave up. She seemed awfully depressed, so I’ve also wondered if she opted for a self-imposed final solution.
I remember a blogging couple (how I loathe those) of neo-cons who happened upon my blog one lovely day and decided to firebomb me with thinly veiled insults such as, “Organzied Chaos is right!” When I clicked onto their blog to respond to one of their diatribes, there was no way to do it because they had disabled comments. Cowards.
My favorite blogger was a teenager named “Bush-Cheney is not the Devil.” He would post sound clips from Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage and then spend way too much time basically transcribing them as if it was his opinion and not theirs. That kid got a lot of responses, most of them pretty middle of the road, until I blew in.
Then there was “Niggaface,” a hilarious young man whose journey of self-discovery seemed to be taking place on his blog. He was an extremely gifted writer but unfortunately I lost the link to his blog when I changed mine around.
My second favorite blogger was some guy called “Minister Scribe.” What a nut. He presented himself as some kind of non-religious religious leader with all this made-up insanity about…hmmm? Oh, right. Never mind that part.
Most recently, I came to enjoy the insane ravings of a woman who claims to be a reformed lesbian whose anti-gay posts are truly something to behold. She rails against liberals and those that don’t believe in God by judging, employing hate tactics and basically encouraging violence against the people that symbolize her own conflicted nature.
Over the years, I accumulated quite a readership. Who knows how large it might be now if not for the fact that I had to delete my original blog and restart it in order to avoid prying eyes? There’s no way to know. I don’t think it matters anymore. Facebook hath spoken and, according to the letter its too-cool creator sent out the other day, it is now 350 million strong. From cult to religion in just a few years.
But I don’t care how immediate or user friendly Facebook is, it will never be the same. It forces people to use their own names, it encourages locating people from one’s past, and writing beyond the occasional snippet has nothing to do with it. Not to mention the simple fact that I can’t write the following rant there for obvious reasons:
(Former) EFB's mother is such an unbelievable racist! She is repulsed by the way several of her daughter's former friends in the old money town of Grosse Pointe turned out. Many of them ran didn't walk away from that place and moved to other parts of the country where they apparently became liberals. LIIIiiiiberalllllsssss!!!!
One such silver spoon child turned out to have a gay brother, bad enough in her mom's eyes, but imagIne her revulsion when she learned he married...A BLACK MAN!! AAAHHhhhhhhh!
That's right, there are photOs all over her Facebook page of her brother-in-law and he just couldn't be blacker. There are also photos of her children taking part in the wedding. Now, if her mom was a consistent conservative, her true outrage would concern the children, O the dear, sweet children...WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?
Instead, she's more morally outraged by the fact that he's black. As if being a homosexual isn't "bad" enough these days, its the blatant immorality of choosing a black man as his life-partner that sends her Austrian blood to boiling.
Y'know, every time I start feeling sorry for her because of thehorrible way she treated by her ex-husband or the fact that she's all alone due to her second husband's sudden death, I am informed of something like this and I realize how evil and unlikable she really is.
Yeah...that one ain't gonna show up on facebook~
A few years ago when blogging was still the big deal, there was an unnamed attorney whose no comments enabled blog was used to just rail against his wife. God, did he despise her. She seemed to be everything he found reprehensible, shallow, whiney, demanding and never satisfied. It was a blog of note for quite some time, and I always found it amusing that an ATTORNEY had the temerity to take a position of moral superiority.
One female blogger used hers as a way of lamenting her horrible relationship and her lack of willingness to change it. She didn’t last long, however, so I’ve often wondered if she got caught writing it or jut gave up. She seemed awfully depressed, so I’ve also wondered if she opted for a self-imposed final solution.
I remember a blogging couple (how I loathe those) of neo-cons who happened upon my blog one lovely day and decided to firebomb me with thinly veiled insults such as, “Organzied Chaos is right!” When I clicked onto their blog to respond to one of their diatribes, there was no way to do it because they had disabled comments. Cowards.
My favorite blogger was a teenager named “Bush-Cheney is not the Devil.” He would post sound clips from Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage and then spend way too much time basically transcribing them as if it was his opinion and not theirs. That kid got a lot of responses, most of them pretty middle of the road, until I blew in.
Then there was “Niggaface,” a hilarious young man whose journey of self-discovery seemed to be taking place on his blog. He was an extremely gifted writer but unfortunately I lost the link to his blog when I changed mine around.
My second favorite blogger was some guy called “Minister Scribe.” What a nut. He presented himself as some kind of non-religious religious leader with all this made-up insanity about…hmmm? Oh, right. Never mind that part.
Most recently, I came to enjoy the insane ravings of a woman who claims to be a reformed lesbian whose anti-gay posts are truly something to behold. She rails against liberals and those that don’t believe in God by judging, employing hate tactics and basically encouraging violence against the people that symbolize her own conflicted nature.
Over the years, I accumulated quite a readership. Who knows how large it might be now if not for the fact that I had to delete my original blog and restart it in order to avoid prying eyes? There’s no way to know. I don’t think it matters anymore. Facebook hath spoken and, according to the letter its too-cool creator sent out the other day, it is now 350 million strong. From cult to religion in just a few years.
But I don’t care how immediate or user friendly Facebook is, it will never be the same. It forces people to use their own names, it encourages locating people from one’s past, and writing beyond the occasional snippet has nothing to do with it. Not to mention the simple fact that I can’t write the following rant there for obvious reasons:
(Former) EFB's mother is such an unbelievable racist! She is repulsed by the way several of her daughter's former friends in the old money town of Grosse Pointe turned out. Many of them ran didn't walk away from that place and moved to other parts of the country where they apparently became liberals. LIIIiiiiberalllllsssss!!!!
One such silver spoon child turned out to have a gay brother, bad enough in her mom's eyes, but imagIne her revulsion when she learned he married...A BLACK MAN!! AAAHHhhhhhhh!
That's right, there are photOs all over her Facebook page of her brother-in-law and he just couldn't be blacker. There are also photos of her children taking part in the wedding. Now, if her mom was a consistent conservative, her true outrage would concern the children, O the dear, sweet children...WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?
Instead, she's more morally outraged by the fact that he's black. As if being a homosexual isn't "bad" enough these days, its the blatant immorality of choosing a black man as his life-partner that sends her Austrian blood to boiling.
Y'know, every time I start feeling sorry for her because of thehorrible way she treated by her ex-husband or the fact that she's all alone due to her second husband's sudden death, I am informed of something like this and I realize how evil and unlikable she really is.
Yeah...that one ain't gonna show up on facebook~
Thursday, December 17, 2009
So, as we wind down to the final days of Organized Chaos, I feel the need to reflect not on my many years of blogging (that will come later) but on the fact that those who once and still read this thing seem to love them some lists! In fact, I think it’s safe to assume that it was my lists that kept up interest even as it started to wane. I do seem to have a talent for creating them and rarely repeating myself.
So, here’s one literally off the top of my head. It’s about things that are really ******* me off at the moment, things I’m tired of.
I am TIRED of:
- Working for a place that penalizes me for having to take a shit!
- People who don’t turn their fucking TV’s down or off when they’re on the phone conducting business!
- Insincere fucks who pretend to be concerned for your well being then find ways to fuck you in the ear whenever possible!
- My mortgage company that calls to find out when my payment will be made, notates that date, then calls back again and again asking the same fucking question!
- The pop music scene and its sad over-reliance on manufactured controversy to remain relevant!
- Whiney Christians complaining about retailers not mentioning Christmas in their advertising when 95% of them mention nothing but!
- Being told I’m lucky to have a job as if the companies aren’t lucky to have employees helping them turn a profit in shitty financial times!
- People that are pissed off just to be pissed off because they are too passive in their everyday lives to take out their ire on the real causes of it!
- Everybody except me being rewarded for mediocrity in an environment where it is expected!
- Not having a sizable print run of my novel!
- Having to navigate around three dogs in my house, including one destructive puppy that (former) EFB cannot see as doing any wrong!
- Being surrounded by luscious asses and not being able to do shit about it!
- Terrible writers getting great publishing deals and being hailed by mindless simpletons whose taste is all in their mouths!
- People that won’t shut the flame up long enough to realize you’ve already anticipated their question, answered it and resolved whatever they’re complaining about!
- The phrase “My baby daddy” and the many variations thereof!
- Meetings, each more pointless and absurd than the last, existing merely to validate jobs and enforce inane policies!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I have thought long and hard about this and have finally reached a decision: Organized Chaos as it currently exists will be coming to an end on December 31, 2009.
For the few stragglers still reading this blog, you should already know that this year has been a struggle for me in all ways possible. Despite the fact that I had a novel “come out” this year, the ever-widening hole at the center of me has continued to grow. Everything is crashing down around me and I am finding it increasingly difficult to care.
As a consequence, updating this stupid fucking blog has become more of a chore than a joy. I find that I often have nothing to say and that when I do it is too hard to get people to listen these days. If it doesn’t come in the form of a one or two sentence snippet on Facebook, it is apparently considered too much work. Well, it has become even more work to write these posts anymore.
I have a lot of decisions awaiting me this December. Most of them I’ll not share with anyone not even the closest people to me. I don’t need input or help or words of wisdom. This is an informational post, no more, no less.
I enjoyed blogging while it lasted. Often times it helped me feel alive. I now realize that feeling was little more than a brief distraction from the harsh and cure realities of life. And like anything with a finite appeal, it no longer provides anything resembling what it once did.
I have started seeing a therapist, even though I know it’s too late for it to make a difference. I told her the same thing I’ll tell you: I am very good at hiding what goes on beneath the surface. You might see me laughing, cracking the occasional rare smile or even seeming to have a great time. It is an act. It always was but more now than ever. Is it any wonder why I see this whole thing as an exercise in futility?
I had several posts in mind to update those of you who still read this blog about my state of mind but I’ve come wonder at the wisdom of posting my innermost shit on a blog where people who now have access to a certain someone can link what I write at will. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust anybody anymore. Still, my sense of loyalty to my vulturific readership demands that I at least provide a general overview of sorts.
Here are the highlights: Legal troubles early in the year where I almost wound up going to jail for ten days because some posturing, asshole judge didn’t want to give me 24 hours to pay a fine. A book that is out but has yet to see an actual, respectable print run. Horrible issues at work that have been so stressful and overwhelming I wound up seeing a shrink. Pressures from nearly all sides to accept my lot in life and pressure from a smaller contingent urging me not to do that. Constant reminders of my constant failures and lack of self-worth. And to top it all off, pictures posted online of the only person who ever made me feel like I mattered…on her wedding day!
I used to share my pain with you. I saw the blog as a form of catharsis. That was before everything just went to far. There is no cathartic release anymore. Everything that needed to be released is right here next to me all the time. The only left now is the decision I make about what happens next.
Aside from works of fiction, I have nothing left to say~
For the few stragglers still reading this blog, you should already know that this year has been a struggle for me in all ways possible. Despite the fact that I had a novel “come out” this year, the ever-widening hole at the center of me has continued to grow. Everything is crashing down around me and I am finding it increasingly difficult to care.
As a consequence, updating this stupid fucking blog has become more of a chore than a joy. I find that I often have nothing to say and that when I do it is too hard to get people to listen these days. If it doesn’t come in the form of a one or two sentence snippet on Facebook, it is apparently considered too much work. Well, it has become even more work to write these posts anymore.
I have a lot of decisions awaiting me this December. Most of them I’ll not share with anyone not even the closest people to me. I don’t need input or help or words of wisdom. This is an informational post, no more, no less.
I enjoyed blogging while it lasted. Often times it helped me feel alive. I now realize that feeling was little more than a brief distraction from the harsh and cure realities of life. And like anything with a finite appeal, it no longer provides anything resembling what it once did.
I have started seeing a therapist, even though I know it’s too late for it to make a difference. I told her the same thing I’ll tell you: I am very good at hiding what goes on beneath the surface. You might see me laughing, cracking the occasional rare smile or even seeming to have a great time. It is an act. It always was but more now than ever. Is it any wonder why I see this whole thing as an exercise in futility?
I had several posts in mind to update those of you who still read this blog about my state of mind but I’ve come wonder at the wisdom of posting my innermost shit on a blog where people who now have access to a certain someone can link what I write at will. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust anybody anymore. Still, my sense of loyalty to my vulturific readership demands that I at least provide a general overview of sorts.
Here are the highlights: Legal troubles early in the year where I almost wound up going to jail for ten days because some posturing, asshole judge didn’t want to give me 24 hours to pay a fine. A book that is out but has yet to see an actual, respectable print run. Horrible issues at work that have been so stressful and overwhelming I wound up seeing a shrink. Pressures from nearly all sides to accept my lot in life and pressure from a smaller contingent urging me not to do that. Constant reminders of my constant failures and lack of self-worth. And to top it all off, pictures posted online of the only person who ever made me feel like I mattered…on her wedding day!
I used to share my pain with you. I saw the blog as a form of catharsis. That was before everything just went to far. There is no cathartic release anymore. Everything that needed to be released is right here next to me all the time. The only left now is the decision I make about what happens next.
Aside from works of fiction, I have nothing left to say~
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