I have thought long and hard about this and have finally reached a decision: Organized Chaos as it currently exists will be coming to an end on December 31, 2009.

For the few stragglers still reading this blog, you should already know that this year has been a struggle for me in all ways possible. Despite the fact that I had a novel “come out” this year, the ever-widening hole at the center of me has continued to grow. Everything is crashing down around me and I am finding it increasingly difficult to care.

As a consequence, updating this stupid fucking blog has become more of a chore than a joy. I find that I often have nothing to say and that when I do it is too hard to get people to listen these days. If it doesn’t come in the form of a one or two sentence snippet on Facebook, it is apparently considered too much work. Well, it has become even more work to write these posts anymore.

I have a lot of decisions awaiting me this December. Most of them I’ll not share with anyone not even the closest people to me. I don’t need input or help or words of wisdom. This is an informational post, no more, no less.

I enjoyed blogging while it lasted. Often times it helped me feel alive. I now realize that feeling was little more than a brief distraction from the harsh and cure realities of life. And like anything with a finite appeal, it no longer provides anything resembling what it once did.

I have started seeing a therapist, even though I know it’s too late for it to make a difference. I told her the same thing I’ll tell you: I am very good at hiding what goes on beneath the surface. You might see me laughing, cracking the occasional rare smile or even seeming to have a great time. It is an act. It always was but more now than ever. Is it any wonder why I see this whole thing as an exercise in futility?

I had several posts in mind to update those of you who still read this blog about my state of mind but I’ve come wonder at the wisdom of posting my innermost shit on a blog where people who now have access to a certain someone can link what I write at will. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust anybody anymore. Still, my sense of loyalty to my vulturific readership demands that I at least provide a general overview of sorts.

Here are the highlights: Legal troubles early in the year where I almost wound up going to jail for ten days because some posturing, asshole judge didn’t want to give me 24 hours to pay a fine. A book that is out but has yet to see an actual, respectable print run. Horrible issues at work that have been so stressful and overwhelming I wound up seeing a shrink. Pressures from nearly all sides to accept my lot in life and pressure from a smaller contingent urging me not to do that. Constant reminders of my constant failures and lack of self-worth. And to top it all off, pictures posted online of the only person who ever made me feel like I mattered…on her wedding day!

I used to share my pain with you. I saw the blog as a form of catharsis. That was before everything just went to far. There is no cathartic release anymore. Everything that needed to be released is right here next to me all the time. The only left now is the decision I make about what happens next.

Aside from works of fiction, I have nothing left to say~