Brief recap- The continuing story of Dude has more wrinkles in it than Joan Rivers’ original face. In a nutshell, his much younger Canadian wife cheated on him after one year of marriage with an illegal Mexican son of a taco restaurant owner and wound up carrying his child. She’s now back in Canada but the divorce court judge is insisting on DNA testing despite a signed statement from her regarding the infidelity and won’t grant the divorce or waive Dude’s responsibility for a child that isn’t his unless she submits, which she won’t.
Now, on with the show. As mentioned in the previous episode, Dude developed an online addiction and started spending way too much time on MySpace. He eventually met an “older woman” who is five years older than him. I don’t want to bog this down in rehashing, so in brief she is a person with severe medical issues and a supposedly evil set of children. Dude’s all about rescuing women in worse situations than his own, so it sounded like a match made in slacker-heaven.
However, instead of getting to know this woman and maybe even meeting her in person, he decided he’d cart her all the way from Florida back to his home in Michigan as a way to help her out and avoid potential foreclosure on his home. People told him he was insane but he was hell-bent on driving there and picking her up. Then something weird happened.
Older Lady started flaking out on him. It started with her sending enraged text messages when Dude forgot to add “you” to the end of “Love” in a text regarding getting a good job to support them both. Two days later she still wasn’t answering his texts and voicemail messages. Unlike most rational people, he was still planning to go. It was only a matter of time before he called me to get my opinion.
The first time he called I let it go to voicemail. I was watching “Stepbrothers” and laughing too hard to answer. After his third call and after the movie was over, I called him back. Things had changed by the time we talked.
Dude had reached an epiphany of sorts. After two days, he and Older Lady talked, she grew angry again, and the silent treatment started all over again. He was understandably upset because he still didn’t know her address and was supposed to be coming to get her in a few days. Eventually they did talk again and she confessed her reluctance to make his life more complicated.
That’s admirable, considering what I now know about her life. Dude told me he realized how insane this whole thing was and wouldn’t be bringing her here no matter what. Then he started telling me about her.
As he described Older Lady’s life for me, I realized Dude is incapable of objectivity when he thinks he cares about someone. His descriptions sounded woefully one-sided to me, forcing my mind to fill in the blanks as he spoke. I will refrain from doing so now because I want you to experience it the same way I did.
Dude spun a fascinating tale of Springer-esque dysfunction. Older Lady has two adult children, one girl and one boy. The girl has a Cuban boyfriend. During Older Lady’s struggle with cancer, her daughter decided to introduce her boyfriend’s father to her. They wound up getting married despite his inability to speak English. Per Dude, the daughter pushed this relationship as a way to control her mother. Why? The mother came into some money based on a settlement regarding her medical care.
If this sounds like an episode of “Hillbilly Dynasty” to you, you’re not alone. Older Lady married the Cuban who cheated on her constantly. One time he dropped her off at the drugstore so she could pick up her medication and was gone for an hour. It turned out he was parked on the other side of the building, having a phone conversation with his girlfriend. Understandable. Nothing sucks worse than some annoying, cancerous wife interfering with your other woman situation.
When she wound up in the hospital, her kids stood over her bed, assuming she was unconscious, and discussed how they were going to divide up her things. Her attorney came in, heard this, and told them to get the fuck out.
Is it all starting to make more sense now? This woman whose husband and children mistreated her meets a guy whose wife cheated on him. The common thread here is Hispanic men. He despises them, especially now, and it seems to me he’d love to rescue a woman from their evil clutches.
But give Dude credit for one thing: Even he knows this was a bad idea. Like I told him, what’s to stop her family from blaming you if anything happens to make her medical situation worse? Can you imagine the life you’d lead?
“I never even thought of that! That’s a good point!” he yelled.
So Dude’s right back where he started financially. His day job in real estate isn’t paying off much and his afternoon job doesn’t pay the bills. At night he drinks beer and goes online. His divorce won’t go through until the DNA test occurs and his would-be ex-wife has no intention of traveling back to the U.S., supposedly because of the cost.
Something doesn’t seem right about that. In fact, something about Dude’s entire story seems off. He is a man on the verge of mental collapse, angry, bitter, and dejected. It wouldn’t surprise me if he took some people with him when he blew.
He proved this the other day when he told his supervisor, formerly known as EFB, to fuck off.
But let’s not get into that just yet…
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