THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF "DUDE", WORLD'S STUPIDEST WUS

I’ve picked up a new reader lately, hopefully one who will stay long enough to realize I don’t really mean it, I’m just drawn that way. I tend to approach my writing like a cop with a door ramming thingee, head on by appearance but I make sure I duck when all the real people of action walk through the door.

So, when someone is an idiot or plays one on TV, I tend to point that out. One of my favorite idiots in 2008 was a guy I have named “Dude” to protect his identity and to ensure I could call him every name in my arsenal.

In brief, Dude is a Gen-X slacker who married a girl ten years younger than him who eventually wound up cheating within one year of their marriage and pregnant with the child of an illegal Mexican immigrant. Dude is also a racist and a sexist whose outlook and mentality harkens back to a time before he was born. In my previous Dude post, I mentioned how he wished his soon-to-be ex-wife’s baby dead because of the inconvenience and felt bad for her because of the pain she endured during childbirth. He’s also a know-it-all asshole who can’t be told what to do at work and thinks he could restructure any work environment to be more efficient.

Now that we’ve all become reacquainted with his dude-ness, we can discuss his latest insanity. When he carted his ex back to the Canadian border so she could give birth in her homeland in order to avoid any requirements on his part to be responsible for the child, Dude discovered what former president George Dubya called, “The internets.”

More pacifically, Dude found Myspace and it wasn’t pretty.

Dude went from being relatively ignorant of the online experience aside from the purely informational to acting like it was the year 2000 and all this stuff was brand new. He needed to feel good about himself, so he started flirting his ass off with every reasonably attractive female whose birthdates didn’t occur prior to the Eighties.

Dude likes ‘em young. So it came as a huge surprise when he dropped this particular bomb I’m about to describe a few days ago.

Thanks to a lot of ridicule of his concentration on younger women, Dude wound up “meeting” what he calls an “older lady.” She’s in her early forties; he is in his late thirties.

The two of them met on Myspace and he liked what he saw. I guess she did, too, although Lord knows how she could have if she saw those shots of him in the hunter’s cap with the shotgun looking like Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies; a neat trick for a guy who claims to be from a sophisticated and educated family.

This “older lady” who is all of five years older than Dude is apparently an attractive woman with a good body, the kind white guys love where there’s no waist, negligible hips and massive tits. At least that’s what her profile pic tells him.

You see, Dude and Older Lady haven’t met in person yet. She lives in Florida, he lives in Michigan. Dude is what my black friends would refer to as a “Captain Save-a-Ho,” meaning he must be in constant female rescue mode to feel validated. In fact, these past few months without a woman to save have seen him at his most despondent, obnoxious and aimless. It’s still unclear how he was saving his ex since she was working two jobs and drinking like a fish, but that’s his deal I guess.

The important element here is that Older Lady is a study in dysfunction. She has medical issues, evil children who plot to divvy up her stuff when they think she’s unconscious and dying in the hospital, and is unable to work due to restrictions. She does, however, get a sizable check every month, a fact that undoubtedly caused the financially floundering Dude to salivate over the possibilities. Like many in Michigan, he is facing impending foreclosure. Unlike many, it’s because he suffers from what I call “Ralph Kramden Syndrome.” That’s the deadly affliction that makes lovable losers think they can get rich quick all the time. Okay, maybe not lovable in this case, but still…

Dude is planning to do what any sensible, right-minded individual would do. Sight unseen except for a twenty-year-old photo, he is heading to Florida to pick her up and bring her back to live with him.

Did I mention they’ve only corresponded via Internet and phone? Apparently within a few short months they’ve already reached the point where they text “I love you” back and forth.

I was going to end this post here as a cliffhanger until next week when Dude actually drove to Miami to pick up the new love of his life. It would’ve been the perfect place to stop, considering that was all the information I had. Besides, you guys most likely would have been anxious to find out what happened next.

But something happened to further complicate this already bizarre romantic scenario.

Dude came to work Saturday morning worried, saying he wondered if he’d made a “fatal error.” When pressed to explain his seemingly melodramatic word choice, he said Older Lady got all psycho-bitch on him the previous night.

Dude is old school and old country. When he steps into a relationship-type situation, he immediately starts acting like a husband of fifty years. Despite the fact that Older Lady’s monthly income would help with the overall finances, Dude is still Ralph Kramdening his ass off as he seeks out other moneymaking opportunities. Like any decent, caring man, he decided to share the news with his significant other.

What he texted, basically, was how he’d found a job that would make ”us” a good amount of money and he’d tell her more about it tomorrow. He was exhausted that night and could barely finish his text message before falling asleep. Instead of “Love you,” he was only able to type “Love.”

Older Lady sent back a furious reply containing the abbreviation “KMA” which apparently stands for “kiss my ass"” and said the “same shit is happening all over again.” Shocked, Dude asked her what she’d meant and, in a pussy-whipped move that will surely revoke his NOMAAM membership, asked her what he’d done. She didn’t reply. In fact, she wouldn’t answer his phone calls either.

So now Dude was worried. Had he made a fatal error? Would he come to his senses and realize the kind of woman who would pick up and move to a different state with a man she’s only spoken to on the phone is probably not someone he wants living in his home? Would he be Dude is you answered “yes” to either of those questions?

Dude was told in no uncertain terms that he needed to consider not going to Miami to get her. In fact, he was even told it would be better to lose his house than to deal with what could be a really bad situation. Dude, who never disappoints, said, “No, I’ve gotta keep my promise to her.”

Promise to whom? The phantom online honey that might not even be the one in the picture? The crazy person who tells you she loves you, decides to move in with you and then goes nuts over an incomplete text message? What’s really going on here, and he all but admitted it, is that he’s desperate to get out of his financial slump. He needs her for this. But what will happen once that slump has ended?

No wonder the person he told was sworn to secrecy when it came to me. He wants to tell me on his own. He knows I have a talent for making people see reason and he is avoiding me because of it.

As much as I generally despise Dude, he is still technically in the Fraternal Order of Men and so I am duty-bound to observe the “Bros before ho's” dictum, despite so many feminized white guys out there who no longer understand the bond. But I will only say something if he tells me about it.

Stay tuned. This is going to be interesting~