SCRIBE'S SELF-HELP SEMINAR:

Enough with politics, I see no reason why I shouldn’t jump on the self-help bandwagon and force people to see life through my eyes by pretending to love humanity. Only a fool or a politician wouldn’t know these people have naught but contempt for the human herd and obviously there are a lot of both groups because dem books be flyin’ off da shelf!

I want in. I wanna go on Oprah and tell everybody how to live and get stuff they’ve always wanted. I want to be seen as an expert on a field I have barely worked in, if at all, and get paid for it. I want to sit next to Montel and agree with his endless platitues and make it sound like we’re on the same wavelength and that’s why he’s so bloody brilliant.

And it all starts here, with a list of ten things of undeniable insight and unavoidable brilliance. Ten items of such wisdom that idiots will go blind upon reading them. Ten items that will expose the soft, seamy under-belly of human delusion and cause the planets to align while cats and dogs sing together at the left hand of God Himself!!!!

Priase my name! Praise it!!! Hugga bugga woooda bahsanta rie!!! Got me speakin’ in tongues up in heah!!!

And don’t forget it because what I just said above was the most important piece of the puzzle that will solve the biggest human conundrum: What Would Brian Boitano Do?

The list unfolds below:

- People who use the word “classy” rarely are.

- Speaking in tongues is probably the most ingenious scam ever devised by an organized religion.

- Guys that drive huge trucks have teeney weeney peenies.

- Republicans are like retarded children & should be pitied behind their backs & ridiculed to their faces.

- Women are only able to use sex as a form of blackmail on guys that aren't any good at it.

- Road rage is the direct result of over-civilizing & political correctness.

- God & Oprah are the same being, which is why I don't care for either one of them.

- Mormon's and Scientologists are God/Oprah's way of saying, "See? Religion can be funny."

- Somebody is always going to think they came up with an idea once it's popular. Not me, though. I really did write Star Wars before George Lucas. I was one brilliant toddler but my agent sucked.

- Scribe is the end-all, be-all authority on all things sociopolitical now that he has dethroned the artist formerly known as EFB's know-it-all brother...not the one mentioned below but the other one. (More on that in a later post once we've had a long enough break from politics)

I realize I have a work of fiction coming out soon (publisher said will be ready to order from the printer in 2 weeks or less) but my self-help could make me a guru. Who doesn't wanna be a guru, doing...guru stuff and...other things gurus do...

Wait. Should I have admitted what I'm up to?

Hold on, people, Scribe the Wise needs to administer a little self-help and this time I don't mean masturbation...although that will probbaly happen as well!