SCRIBE'S RANDOM THOUGHTS WHILE WORKING

So here I am at work and I’m so sleepy I can barely keep my head upright. Calls are coming in slowly and infrequently. The familiar voices droning in the background are strangely relaxing. They took our Styrofoam cups away in the name of environmental awareness and left me with a giant green mug. I can’t put coffee in it because I need water next to me all day.

As I sit here, struggling to keep my eyes open, the vibration of somebody’s ringing cellphone off in the distance, I wonder what it’s all for. What’s the purpose to any of this?

I’m being esoteric when I write “any of this,” by the way. I don’t just mean getting up at an ungodly and unsatanly hour to come to work and fight sleep. I mean ALL of it.

Since I was thirteen years old I have wondered why we seem to follow a set of programs like androids. Even the conversations most of us have are preprogrammed, which is how I first started noticing this fact. This was such an impacting experience that I used it as the basis for a major plot point in my upcoming novel. It was at that moment that I felt the most separated from the rest of humanity.

That feeling hasn’t changed much over the years. I am still very much the outside observer, watching my fellow humans wreck the place and not accept any of the blame. This is nothing new. Since the time of spoken language, there have been those who joined the mindless herd and those few who questioned the herd’s purpose.

I don’t place myself in the category of the great philosophers of our time, but I do unfortunately share their propensity for being unable to accept life based on its external appearances. In that way, I am removed from most of those with whom I share the planet. Sometimes that can create the appearance of arrogance or a superiority complex.

Rest assured, I am only superior to those who are inferior to me…

…

2, 3,4…anyway, as so often happens when I am exhausted and restless, I have been thinking about my own place in the Great machine of human progress and conformity. Also as usual, I have reached the conclusion that I don’t have one. That’s where the writing comes in. It is a way to create my own rules and to be heard over the cacophony of idiocy that surrounds us all.

In case you can’t tell, I’m tired in ways other than physical exhaustion. From time to time, one cannot help but see the walls of his cell closing in on him and I am no different. In a world where devout Christians tell you that you have Free Will and then present two extremes as your only choice, what sense can there in taking the road less taken?

These days when I look in the mirror, I see a rapidly aging failed experiment. I see an increasingly irrelevant punch line to a joke nobody remembers. If you’ve ever looked into a smoldering ember as it slowly fades away into ash, you have looked into my eyes.

Yet I’m not unhappy about it. Perhaps there is peace in acceptance. I know I’m not any better than anyone else; I just have the “virtue” of having awakened. I have the curse of having seen into the emptiness of the human soul without the power to awaken others to the fact.

Some day I won’t be here anymore. If I am lucky, there might be a few pieces of paper with my name on them that live on. I’m not going to do anything to hurry that day up, but I won’t deny the fact that I look forward to it~