SHIT THAT NEEDS TO GO FOR THE '09

I did one of these lists years ago and waited to see if my powers of predictiveness were still as acute as my powers of only bathing once a week. Or perhaps I should say my powers of stench resulting from only bathing once a week. To my delight, most of the things I listed either went away or were reduced to negligible numbers. So, with a new dawn on its way and a semblance of sanity restored to my homeland, I submit unto thee a new list so that we may all live in peace, harmony, and Jell-O.

Yo, check it sucka:

“LITTLE GUY”- Here’s an annoying phrase that has seeped under the cracks of our common sense like raw sewage. It is now even in the advertising. Soccer moms referring to their sons as their “little guy.” As absurdly cultish as this sounds, it’s even worse when you consider that half these “little guys” are old enough to shave. Why are these stupid, stupid women acting like nearly grown men still need them the way they did when they were five? What do they need? Help putting on their condoms??

REALITY TV- Seriously, it’s time. This sub-genre has begun cannibalizing itself to a disturbing degree. How much artificiality do we need crammed down our throats before we wake up and realize there’s no art or substance or entertainment value to publicity hungry morons competing to become the next “whatever happened to” story?

FOX “NEWS”- The greatest misnomer in the history of American journalism, the very idea that the Fox network delivers anything more than pro- neo-con propaganda is hilariously absurd. This is the same network that circulated internal memos advising reporters to find ways of discrediting prominent Democrats and soft selling the War in Iraq. Don’ believe me? I’ve seen them. Watch the film “Outfoxed.” Any channel that features Bill O’Reilley’s tabloid TV ass as an objective source of “No-spin” is already lacking in any credibility. Ratings are down and pundits are befuddled by Obama's choices. This is a good time to let them fade away.

STALKERS- I know there will always be those sick, twisted individuals that can’t help but stalk me and every other diva out there. But thanks to the Internet, more people are stalking than ever before. What’s wrong with people? It’s not worth it. It’s pathetic and just stupid. Cut it out. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go…Eva Mendes is about to go the bathroom and I don’t wanna miss that from my car!

REVERSE-SEXISM- I’m always hearing about reverse-racism, but nobody ever mentions this. For years now it has been socially acceptable for women to say whatever the hell they want about men and we are supposed to grin and shrug and shuffle along as if we somehow deserve it. Well, fucks dat! In order for any true healing to begin, open dialogue is a necessity. We can’t just allow the cavernous mouthed harpies on “The View” to spew anti-male diatribes unless it’s also cool to allow Howard Stern and Tom Leykus to do so about women. You can’t complain about unequal treatment and then enforce a double standard, unless you want the inevitable backlash. I am that backlash! Kneel before Zod! Only the hot ones, only the hot ones!!!

MOLLY CYRUS & THE ENTIRE DISNEY TEEN POP PHENOMENON- Just when you thought it was safe to turn on your radio or TV, the evil legacy of the New Kids on the Block and Menudo spawns yet another in a long line of monstrous teen pop celebrities. Now Disney has cornered the market and man are they good at it. By consolidating the media through TV movies and music, they have effectively created an unstoppable juggernaut of crap. On the surface, the males tend to be good role models like the virginal Jonas Brothers, while the girls tend to be utter ho-bags. Oh, and then there’s the music, which people tend to overlook due to all the other stuff. Of course kids are going to like catchy, simplistic tunes. But the message being imparted here, that marginal talent pays off and quality is immaterial, is far too dangerous to be tolerated in large quantities.

REPUBLICANS & THEIR MOUTHPIECES- if the elections of 2006 & 2008 have taught us nothing, and they haven’t but shut up let me make my stupid point, it is that the politics of exclusion and marginalization are becoming increasingly irrelevant. With the discrediting of the utopian trickle down economics theory and the exposure of the Republican Party as a schill for big corporations, Americans are starting to see the beast for what it is. Loudmouth jokes like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, desperately trying to remain relevant, merely reinforce the point that these people live in a dream world nobody with any common sense wants to experience. I am all for a multi-party system, so perhaps if we end the domination of the GOP, others will emerge to take their place. Sure! Why not? Let me just sew peace in the Middle East and feed the staving poor of Africa first. Be back in about 30 minutes!

2 PEOPLE/ONE NAME- I started with Ben Affleck’s relationships. both referred to as “Bennifer.” Now we’ve got “Brangelina.” But strangely Ashton Kutcher & Demi Moore are not “Dashton,” which sounds much cooler. This consolidating of human beings into mindless units is disgusting to me. But if it must be done, it should be consistent. Let’s rename famous couples throughout history. Caesar & Cleopatra are now “Caesapatra.” Abraham & Mary Lincoln are now “Mabraham.” Franklin & Eleanor Roosevelt are not “Frelanor.” Rome & Juliet are now “Romeiet.” Hey, this is kinda fun! I might need to reevaluate this one!

EMPLOYER BACKGROUND CREDIT CHECKS & INTERNET SEARCHES- The rock band Midnight Oil sang it best when they said, “Corporations have more rights than people.” What bearing does a person’s credit history have on their work performance? Someone could be terrible at finances but excel at the position for which they’re applying. It shouldn’t even be legal for an employer to look into someone’s credit history. As far as searching the Internet goes, apparently blogs and other similar sites can be used against people when being considered for jobs as well. Basically, not being good with money and having opinions is a detriment to being a god corporate citizen. I guess that’s why I call myself Scribe…on this blog anyway.

SOCCER MOMS- It’s been said a species can smell its own extinction, but what about sub-species’? Our economy is in the toilet, people are refraining from spending money in record numbers unseen since the Great Depression, yet these dinosaurs still stroll around in gigantic SUV’s and act as if everything is the same, partying like it’s 1996. Sometimes stupid people need to be told it’s time to wake up. It’s up to us.

QUASI-CELEBRITY BOOK DEALS- I resude to believe serious readers are the ones buying these so-called "books" featuring fucked-up weirdoes that are the flavor of the moment. Serious readers would never fall for the obvious shell game of these vapor clouds passing off the work fo some underpaid, unethical ghost writer as their own. Perhaps at one time those that are famous just for being famous had interesting stories to tell, but those days are over. Paris Hilton and the equally loathsome Tila Tequila have nothing relevant to say about anything.

MUSLIM EXTREMISM- Look I know it’s all the rage these days to strap on dynamite and walk into a crowded restaurant to take out the infidel. Drives the women wild and really makes the family proud. But let’s take away the glitz and glamour of blowing yourself to pieces in impotent protest. What kind of weak god needs you to blow yourself up to get back at his enemies? Why would a loving and compassionate god ask you to die killing men women and children who aren’t trying to kill you? How pathetic is it that your faith is so lacking you must buy your way into paradise with an explosion and unnecessary deaths? I think you’ll find that there are other activities that are even cooler like grinding puppies into sausage meat. That’s what Republicans do.

THE SOUTHERN UNITED STATES- Even the Western states woke up this past November and realized it was time to stop thinking like some antiquated relic. Not so the south, I’m afraid. They continue to be the home of ridiculous Bible belt theology and outdated politics of division and hatred. We should have let them split off during the Civil War, but stupid England was planning to use that as staging ground to retake the North. Things are different now. We are two very different countries shoring a name and it just isn’t working. Let the South go. It’s time.

VIDEO GAMERS- How I hate them. Smug, self-righteous dorks that have somehow succeeded in turning dorky behavior into something hip and cool. Maybe it’s the realistic violence or the fact that the current generations hates leaving their houses unless there’s food involved. Who knows? The sub-culture that has built up around gaming, especially the online variety, is repugnant to me and it needs to stop too.

STARBUCKS COFFEE- I have this theory, so bear with me: I think the so-called “coffee” served at Starbucks is actually a combination of raw sewage (second mention) and industrial waste by-product. That’s the only explanation for why it’s impossible to sweeten or lighten! Women especially seem fond of the bitter, dehydrating substance Starbucks passes off as coffee. And the weird part is how those who love the place will defend it unto death, even when I name five places off the top of my head that have better coffee…make that actual coffee. It’s a good company, though. Notice I said Starbucks Coffee, not Starbucks Corporation. Maybe they should start serving Dunkin Donuts or Tim Horton’s coffee.

80’S “RETRO” FASHIONS- Remember the Where’s Waldo books and those god-awful shirts he wore? They’re back and on the backs of emo kids and other wimpy children with hair they have to flip out of their faces and jeans that look like they’re wearing them to impress their boyfriends. These were fashion faux pas, kids! That’s why they went out of style.

TV SPIN-OFFS OF SPIN-OFFS- So the other day, completely out of character, I decided to watch Law & Order. Two days later, still in the same clothes and ripening more and more by the second, I wondered the bloody fuck this episode would end so I could go on with my life. Then I started wondering why the actors, unlike me, had changed clothes so many times and why their hairstyles were so different. Then I realized I wasn’t watching the same episode of Law & Order. In fact, I wasn’t even watching the same Law & Order! This was one of the 80,000 spin-offs! I got up, showered, shaved, and decided to unwind by watching CSI, another show I don’t like. A week later I couldn’t figure out why the main guy went from fat to having hair like a rooster to having eyes that bulged out of their sockets. I wrote to my congressman and he told me…more spin-offs!!! I can’t believe the stunning lack of originality on TV these days! It’s worse than the mid to late Seventies! I need to relax. Maybe I’ll watch a little Star Trek…hey, when did Sulu become black! When did Kirk become female? Is this a Quantum Leap episode? What’s Scott Bakula doing here? AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

WORKPLACE RULES AGAINST PUBLIC SCREWING- This is what outrages me most. If it isn't affecting my work performance and it's in my job description as a part of corporate America to fuck somebody over, what's the harm? So I ocassionally grab a comely co-worker and bend her over my desk...it's not like I'm not on break!!! Fucking prudes! I know what this is really about. The sight of my mammoth genetalia is the reason all my male co-workers have been calling off work so much. Poor bastards. Maybe if I shift to the left so the passers-by can't see me...no, then it'll just cast a huge penile shadow. This injustice must be reversed! May it happen in 2009!!!


Let me know if you're interested in a list of things we need to return and I'll grab a microscope & a flashlight to search the dank confines of my arse until I dig something up~

Happy New Year, bitches!