Despite the title, this isn't the first installment of my long-awaited series on the ego-centrism of felines. Instead, I'm afraid we are again dealing with the panty-waist known as "Dude," and his trampy ex-wife Minnie Mouse.
For those who didn't read it or forgot or just really get aroused at the thought of lengthy recaps, Dude is a thirty-something with a reformed slacker's mentality and his now almost ex-wife is a twenty-something with the maturity of a zygote. She felt neglected by him and decided to have sex with the son of the owner of the taco-themes restaurant she worked for. Seven months later she was knocked up, and she and Dude hadn't had sex in 12 months. Now that you've done the math, riddle me this: What kind of man would still accept the phone calls from his unfaithful ex-wife who wound up giving birth to the basard offspring of her affair?
Answer: The kind of guy who would empathize with her when she calls to describe the pain she went through during childbirth.
I can’t make shit like this up, people. Dude actually felt bad for this immature idiot that he never even seemed to find attractive.
For the two years of their marital…bliss? Woes? Abomination against the entire pantheon of gods & goddesses throughout history? All of the above? Anyway, during that time Dude spent a large chunk making sure people knew she wasn’t all that and that he preferred a different type of woman. Sounds like a basis for happily ever after to me! That’s like the guy a friend of mine knew who grew tired of a girl pestering him for jungle love and decided to slam-dunk her a quick courtesy. “I ain’t gonna enjoy this, now,” he said in an oh-so-romantic tone.
As I wrote previously, Dude wasn’t stupid enough to hesitate when it came to drop—kicking his Canadian bride back across the Detroit/Windsor border when she revealed that she’d been carrying her lover’s child for at least 7 months. Yes, I know. How did he not know? I think even God is scratchin’ his nappy beard over that one. To his credit, or detriment if you think he’s lying, Dude did tell me he’d sort of suspected something for a while. He said he knew something was off when she started wearing baggy sweatshirts in the middle of summer. Denial is a powerful force in this universe of ours, second only to the strange hold reality TV has over middle-age women and people under 35.
Eventually, she had an attack of conscience while their minister/pastor/head indoctrinator was delivering a sermon on honesty and forthrightness. Well, plus he saw her giant, low-hanging pregnant belly in the bathroom! Oh, Jesus, I see the righteousness of thy words, and I see no way out of this so I shall tell the truth!
So now she’s gone, back living in Canada with her permissive parents, including a dad who used to frequent the nudey bars with Dude! And while that may make him cool in more ways than one (especially if he ponied up the dough for the lap dances) it isn’t the most encouraging background for a potential mate for a guy who believes in all the traditional stuff. OK, fine. She has a strange family and an even stranger personality. So be it. Have a good life. Nice not knowin’ ya, you done me wrong, etc.
But Dude’s not going out like that. Sure one expects a certain amount of crying and devastation and bitterness and…hunger, probably. Hell, I expect that to last a good year or longer. What I don’t expect, however, is for him to accept her calls about the baby. I do know they had it out a few weeks ago when he lit into her like an invading army, telling her how pathetic she was and how she’s let him down. And she did what she always did when confronted with harsh, grownup reality…she bawled like an infant.
Dude started manning up. It was about time, too. I was starting to think he’d left his groin in Spain when he went there as an exchange student. Now that he’d put her on blast, there was no way in New jersey he would feel any significant connection to her, right?
WRONG!!!
Haven’t you been reading? Start over, right now! Go back to the top of the page and start over. We’ll wait…
...
(Humming)
Ok, welcome back. Dude showed up to work on the day they were celebrating his birthday with his eyes all bulged out and swollen and red, having been crying for most of the day. When asked what was wrong, he said no matter what Minnie Mouse did, she was still his wife and it hurt him that she'd gone through that pain alone.
Yes, that makes sense. Let me send one of my cousin's homies over to rob and beat his ass into raw hamburger meat because this particular homie had a bad childhood and his actions are justified. Not the same? Yeah, it is. SHE CHEATED ON HIM IN THE BACKSEAT OF HER FRIEND'S CAR WITH A COKEHEAD WITHOUT WEARING PROTECTION AND LIED FOR SEVEN MONTHS ABOUT CARRYING THIS PERSON'S BABY!!!
Am I alone here. Is that my own urine fighting the breeze? What the fuuuuuccccckkkkkk!!!????
His crying seems to have been brought on by the fact she called crying about how sorry she was about how she'd fucked everything up and she didn't want him to be completely out of her life. Fair enough. Apology accepted, Captain Neda. (Green gets that one!) She probably is sorry. I would be too if I'd ruined my chances of living in the U.S. and escaping a tiny podunk Canadian town. I love Canada, by the way, but there are an awful lot of those boring, second-rate settlements strewn throughout the country.
I made a bet that the two of them will either get back together or die trying within the next 12 months.. When they first spoke about the baby, Dude convinced her to put it up for adoption. She has since decided to keep it. My prediction is that his punk-ass, out of the same fear of being alone that motivated him to marry her, will make a go of it and try to raise the kid as well. We are, after all, talking about the same guy who got the chance to confront the weasel that fucked his wife and simply told him "Shame on you" and that he'd have to deal with God's judgement some day. Ooo. Way to lay the smackdown, Father Dude.
Pussy. Wus. Bitch. None of these words come close to my opinion of him now.
What ya'll think?
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5 comments:
And the saga continues...well if they didn't get back together what would you have to write about?? LOL'n
But wow.
But sometimes even brick walls aren't enough for common sense.
He really believes he was in an actual marriage.
Yes, I understood your reference but I won't give it away, since that would be too easy.
Some people just lack common sense.
Seems like such a mismatched pair would be happy together.
Or not.
You're right, though. You can't make this stuff up.
I thought you didn't like the word "pussy"? And here you are throwing it about left and right.
The thing that I don't get is how people stay in marriages when they aren't even having sex!! I mean, that's like one of the main benefits!! Some one should have been a "write off" person here :)
I do but I really enjoyed my cat joke :)
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