There I was at my local library making copies of a payment agreement for my student loan that refuses to diminish in amount no matter what I pay when I experienced an epiphany. As I sat down at an available computer across from a guy who was practically leaning inside the screen and dozing off to the point where his snoring caused the windows to rattle, I realized I'd left my keys on the copier. That's when I realized why chicks have it so much easier and mo' better-er than guys and came up with this list!
-5 NOT BEING ABLE TO CARRY A PURSE: This is mainly true in North America where a man carrying a bag is seen as a prison-bitch. You see, I'd left my keys on the copier because I didn't have anywhere to put them. Had it been cooler out, things would've been different, but it's hotter than Rosie O'Donnell's closed thighs outside. My GOD! the thangs I could accomplish with a purse. I could even carry my ski mask and duct tape with me for when I see a fine young thang playing hard to get!
-4 NOT BEING ABLE TO GET AWAY WITH BEING A BITCH TO WHOMEVER I CHOOSE: I know women love to say it's socially acceptable for men to be assholes but not for womento be bitches. But they're just being bitches when they make those comments! If a man is an asshole for even five seconds and a woman is in the vicinity, he is branded insensitive and abusive. Somehow women can bark, spit, piss and scream and it's OK because they have hormones (men don't, apparently) and there just might be some blood excreting from their Virginias. I want that so badly! I would be bitchy to all who came before me and tackle them to the ground so I could bleed on their foreheads!
(Oh My God this guy looks like he's high off his ass or doesn't have a home to go to! His eyes are all glazed over and he keeps hitting the keyboard with his face and snoring like a starving hog!)
Where was I? oh, right.
-3 NOT HAVING THE FREEDOM TO YAK-YAK-YAK TIL THE COWS COME HOME: Many’s the time I’ve wished I could just bump my gums incessantly about my private life at work and anywhere else I so desired without fear of being labeled someone who talks too much. Nothing would thrill me more than discussing various orifices and associated hygiene methods as well as detailing every moment of my private life at the top of my lungs.
-2 NOT HAVING FEMALE PROBLEMS: Here’s where they definitely have it over us walking tri-pods! Hmm? Oh. Not everyone has a tri-pod? Sorry, lil’ fellers. Anyway, one can only come up with so many excuses for calling off work or not attending annoying, stupid events like funerals and your kids’ graduation. Groin pulls aren’t common, infected wisdom teeth can be removed, and gunshot wounds only work if you’re a cop or a gangster or a Hollywood agent. But women! WOMEN! They have PERIODS and cramps ands hot spells and horrific headaches and all sorts of issues with internal organs that can fall apart and cause agonizing pain at any minute…GOD how I envy them! I want cramps! Can you picture it? “Scribe, my family is having a little get-together.” “Love to, can’t. Cramps!” “Scribe, it’s the Second Coming of Jesus and he wants all humanity to come unto him!” “Tell ‘im I love his work, but my vag is leaking like a secret in a government office!” Periods are wasted on those who actually have the ability to give birth!
-1 NOT BEING ABLE TO CRITICIZE THE OPPOSITE SEX WITHIOUT FEAR OF HARSH & BRUTAL RETALIATION: This one’s more of a personal cause. I am all for the women’s movement and the freedoms sought by it. What I can’t support, however, is the abuse of status bitter females use to openly mount verbal attacks on men who are just supposed to grin and shrug and take it like a little guy in a prison shower. We are not allowed to reply in kind, however, because that makes us “sexist” and misogynistic. I don’t so much hate the fact that women feel the need to denigrate us, as I do the fact that we can’t return the favor. I have a comeback and argument for every comment a woman makes but society has been brainwashed into believing women can do no wrong. Thank Oprah and all her daytime TV cronies for the false perception. Just once I wish I felt free to air my grievances against women the way they air theirs against…Oh, wait. I just did. I guess I don’t let them control or intimidate me. Should I come up with another reason, then?
Nah. My fingers hurt. Fuck it.
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13 comments:
I for one am GLAD not to have to mount that cotton pony anymore. You can keep your Cramps champ.
Bluez,
leave it to you to drain all the inherent romance out of periods.
hey its ain't all its cracked up to be trust me!
Bluez, yup, men have it made, I envy them!
"...blood excreting from their Virginias. I want that so badly! I would be bitchy to all who came before me and tackle them to the ground so I could bleed on their foreheads!"
that made me laugh so hard :)
Dude seriously, what are you complainging about, men rule the free world (and the not so free world as well).
i don't wanna rule anything, I wanna get away with stuff!
Bill Clinton, once ruler of the free world got away with all sorts of stuff!
But it turns our Billy-boy was rockin' 2 organs. Don't believe me? It's all right here in the Sperm Limitation section which may or may not have been added to by an annoymous yet very funny and well-hung blogger.
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Bill_Clinton
lol love the quotes section, "Are you going to swallow?" Blech! Nasty!! lol
You wrote this part:
Upon his arrival into this world, Clinton came out smoking a cigar, slapped the nurse's bum, and began stuttering. Despite an obvious facial impairment, Bill did well in school, and was voted by his schoolmates "Boy most likely to become 42nd President of the United States after winning the 1992 presidential election with 43.0% of the vote against Republican incumbent George H. W. Bush's 37.4% of the vote." He completed his compulsory education with only a mild case of herpes and a B+ in Predacon geometry. He cites his hobbies growing up as playing the saxophone and reading comic books.
Upon graduation he earned a Rhodes Scholarship to University College, Oxford where he studied cosmetology and government. He developed an interest in rugby union, playing at Oxford and later for the Little Rock Rugby club in Arkansas. While at Oxford he also participated in Vietnam War protests. In later life he admitted to attending Woodstock and smoking cannabis at, but claimed that he "never inhaled". Some have argued that inhaling is probably the most fundamental part of smoking cannabis.
After blowing his scholarship at Oxford, Clinton attended Yale Law School and obtained a Juris Doctorate (J.D.) degree in 1973. While at Yale, he began dating law student Hillary Rodham who was a year ahead of him. They married in 1975 and their lovechild, Chelsea, was born in 1980.
I wish, but no. I only added that one small sentence.
oh I, also wrote the "who da man?" quote.
I thought it was you because when you were on myspace you wrote about your arrival into the world, being born in a manger and a bunch of other silly stuff similar to this here...lol.
that version of wikipedia is pretty funny :)
I know. I had to create a new entry on that crazy lady from Wife Swap and people started adding to it LOL
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