FORCED POSITIVITY & THE EVENTUAL RETURN OF PESSIMISM:

I envy people who have nightmares. I do. I would do anything to trade what goes on in my head for something as easily explained and understandable as a bad bit of beef or a traumatic childhood. What I wouldn’t give to be one of those TV talk show characters with a sob story and a book deal.

Alas, I don’t think Oprah would find my “story” interesting enough to exploit for ratings and prestige. In fact, it’s probably safe to say that the Great Giver of our times would be freaked out and ready to flee.

It might be worth it, though, just to take the mighty Queen of Forced Positivity down a few pegs. Nothing disgusts me more than the Positive Thinking Movement and Oprah is its current spokesperson. The sheeple that follow her live their lives according to her advocacy of this mentality but they don’t seem any happier to me now than their counter-parts were before Oprah ascended to the throne.

Forced Positivist has become an oppressing force in this country. Its ancestor, Political Correctness, was bad enough but I don’t think anybody foresaw what it would create: A cottage industry of poorly written self-help manuals and smug, self-loving “experts” on happiness and fulfillment filling our TV screens. The worst offender is that corn-pone cheese-ball-mustache sporting judgmental twit with the creepy next neighbor vibe known as Dr. Phil, yet another Oprah alum.

Dr. Phil is little more than Dr. Laura with a twang and a dick. If Oprah celebrates the positive, Phil punishes the negative with harsh and brutal criticism. I was raised by a psychotherapist and nobody of any ethical or professional mentality would indulge in his behaviors. Dr. Phil is more like some demented televangelist, moralizing and issuing threatening proclamations as if he’s standing in a revival tent passing around the collection plate. He is a repugnant, coarse human being and I am jealous because he has cornered the market on crass behavior! SOB!!! Where’s my moment? Where’s my miracle???

To add insult to enema, he’s not even very good at it. Like the chubby kid that got beat up on the playground during recess, he uses the only thing he can: His mouth. And he uses it on people who are typically…well, let’s just say it…MORONS. Helpless, stupid mothers and senseless, two-dimensional fathers abound to make Dr. Phil look like the mental health sage of our age. And objectivity is merely a punchline to a joke told by those who make their riches off of idiots.

He is certainly not the only offender. Other talk show hosts who profit off tragedy and familial dysfunction include Montel Williams and Maury Povich, both of whom thrive on prurient interest. Williams has cornered the market on self-help claptrap by advocating for everyone with a “be positive” attitude and Povich simply stands amidst chaos wearing a superior expression on his perfectly preserved face.


Despite overwhelming evidence that Americans thrive on negativity, this tight-arsed Forced Positivity continues to reign supreme in schools, corporations and municipalities the nation over. In and of itself, positivity is not a bad thing. It certainly has its place in maintaining a measure of good mental and emotional health. Where it falls apart, however,m is when one realizes how ridiculously fake it is.

If it weren't fake, people wouldn't feel the need to constantly remind others to "think positive." How many times have you heard or even uttered that magical little phrase? "Let's be positive here." Why, bitch? It ain't a positive situation! How the fuck am I supposed to think positively about someone's impending death or the loss of their job? Think positively? Sure, OK! I am positive that Forced Positivity is the next stupidest thing to blind, unquestioning faith. How's that?

One of the major proponents of this absurd movement is...drum roll, please...EFB's mom! How in the crimson depths of Hell this racist, elitist, judgmental woman can endorse positivity while uttering what amounts to constant hate speech is beyond even my immortal powers of intuition. For years now I have endured her silencing her daughter whenever she brings up anything that disturbs her comfort zone, as if the very mention of a thing gives it so much power that it will manifest itself in the fucking living room and devour us all! Example:

EFB: So-and-so was just diagnosed with cancer. So she will probably not make it past...

MOM: HONEY, PLEASE! Let's not talk about it, OK? Mention something positive!

In other words, we shouldn't discuss reality because it's too real. Who needs that crap when we can visualize ourselves on a sandy beach with the sun beating down on our denial-filled heads???

I don't have the luxury of Forced Positivity. As I mentioned earlier, the things that go on in this head cause me to see naught but probably outcomes. You don't need to be psychic when you can spot the various patterns of human existence. I've been told I am too negative, a criticism I reject out of hand. Is it negative to seek and speak the truth? Perhaps. But I won't stop just because people don't like it. Nor will I do it for that reason.

What most call pessimism and I call keepin' it real. Unless you don't believe any good can come form any situation, you are not a pessimist at all. The boomerang will fly back in my direction eventually.

Until then, I remain cautiously optimistic about the return of pessimism~