DID SOMEBODY SAY "PET PEEVES LIST?"

Hark, off in the distance! Dost thou hear it? Have thee any idea what doth occur? ‘Tis the clamor of hundreds of thousands of desperate voices crying out for a new Scribe post! And the Scribe, being the well-loved humble god-like being of extraordinary girth in the one place that counts that he is, hath decided to oblige.

Just when thou didst think he’d run out of new pet peeves to list, Scribe hath done did it again, MOTHER-BITCHESSSSS!!!!!

Absorb the tender yumminess below:

UGLY PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY’RE CUTE- a co-worker comes to mind. She is hideous but she makes these facial expressions that would be cute on someone passably human looking. It’s obvious she thinks she is adorable and that just causes bile to rise in my throat, providing me with a lovely between meal snack and a burning sensation that keeps me awake. Wait; was this a negative or a positive?

PEOPLE WHO BUY BOOKS THEY’LL NEVER READ- sadly, this now includes my book. In fact, this is all about my book! The bittersweet feeling of someone purchasing a novel you’ve written is easily diminished when days weeks and months go by without the person actually reading it. I can’t take this personally, though, because lots of people purchase books so they can appear well read. But it hurts, man. It HURTS!!! WUAAAH AAA HAAA HAAA HAAA!!!! Sniff-sniff.

PEOPLE WHO TAKE UNIMPORTANT JOBS TOO SERIOUSLY- everybody reading this just pictured someone they know. Perhaps the cop that pulled you over or a former supervisor (always “former,” right?) or even some overly authoritative personal ASSistant. There’s never a shortage of people who think what they do for a living is the most important thing in the world. I call them free festival security but some people might also call them campus cops.

PEOPLE WHO TRY TO LEGISLATE MORALITY- they exist on both sides of the so-called “aisle.” Leftists and Right Wingers alike think they can enact laws that can change the way people think when we all know the only real way to accomplish this is to let the aliens conclude their multi-generational breeding program! I have no patience for deluded people. (Actually I find it easier to believe in alien life than in God but I find it difficult to believe either one would find us even remotely useful)

DICK CHENEY & HIS ILK- for the first time in U.S. history, a former vice-president has attempted to remain relevant by bad-mouthing the current administration. In a move so tacky and classless it could only come from someone of debatable homo-sapien origin, Darth Cheney has gone on some kind of media blitz to tear down President Obama a mere half a year into his term. Apparently bitter that his “legacy” is an international embarrassment, he has reinvented himself as an agitator in favor of Cold War era politics.

FORMERLY HOT/CURRENTLY PREGNANT- this is not much as an observation as an epidemic! I have this theory that where I work someone winds up knocked up every time a bell rings. I’ve literally never been in a building with more preganant women! One chick is particular whose bnath water I would drink daily tried his damndest to keep her massive, parasite-filled belly from me! Now she sits next to me at work! Such injustices continue to happen because the president won't write back to me about my stop all births initiative!

HABITUAL PLAN MAKER/BREAKERS- who hasn’t been guilty of this from time to time? But one guy I know is the fucking king of broken plans and it has truly grown old. Nothing pisses me off more than some guy who nods and smiles and is all like, "Yeaaahhhhh, that sounds cool. Let's do it" only to either pull a no-call no-show or hem and haw until it's too late! Well, ok one thing pisses me off more: The fact that his bitch-ass did it before I could! That's my shit no one else's! Son of a bitch!

PEOPLE WHO GIVE ANIMALS HUMAN NAMES- everybody wants to kick my ass right now, I know it. Sorry, but this is a genuine pet peeve…wait. “Pet” peeve? A clever play on words! AHHHH haaa haa haaa! I can’t stop holding my sides it’s so funnnyyyyyy! Whew! Ok…ok…all right…ok. Whew…yeah, giving animals human names just places them on the wrong level in my opinion. No animal I’ve ever named has had anything resembling a human name. I would do the same with any children I might have!

Ok, back on Hiatus I go!