THOUGHTS ON LOVE AND OTHER RELATED, SWEAT-SOAKED ISSUES

So, we were all sitting around, drinking cheap beer and debating the nature of love. One of us thought it was all about self-gratification, the other said it was exactly the opposite. Finally, I spoke up and said, “Look! If you stuffed animals don’t shut the fuck up, there’s gonna be some!”

I hate getting all hardcore & grim with my friends, but sometimes they get so full of themselves it makes me sick! What does a fluffy pink piggy know about love and relationships? Well, quite a bit, actually, if you believe what the little elephant says about him. And I’m pretty sure the octopus agrees.

However, like any dogmatic, rigid thinking true believer, I refuse to allow others to have any impact on my mind for fear of actually admitting I didn’t know something. So, in spite of or perhaps because of their philosophical meanderings on the topic, I’ve decided to revisit these familiar waters and walk upon them like the sexy savior we all know I am.

It seems as if everybody has a theory on the nature of love and every other person thinks they have the inside track. Everybody is wrong unless they are me or in full agreement with me, in which case they are also wrong…

…Yeah!

I don’t really have any theories on love. I have some basic ideas and stuff, but theories imply work and research, both of which cause me to break out in hives. Besides, how the hell should I know what love is? Sure I have experienced it but, like being drunk, its effects can only be understood while it’s occurring. Once the moment fades, all we can do is try to ascribe words to the indescribable.

Fortunately, I’m all about dat, so let’s get to it.

Most people in the U.S. base love on the Puritanical model of one man/one woman all about children and the glorification of God model. Severely limiting in its scope and outlook, this can be a rather oppressive construct for those who either can’t or don’t fit into it. Gays, irreverent Scribes and obsessive video gamers come to mind. Most Third World nations are even more rigid in their enforcement, so where does one turn? Well, like all perverts and ne’er do wells, I turn to Europe.

Half of my heritage is French…hey, shut up!!! SHUT UP!!! Nobody asked for your opinion! Whatever! You’re just pissed because they point out American hypocrisy! SHUUUuuuuuuTTTttttt UUuuuuuPPPppppppp!!!!

OK, breathe in, breathe out…. no tension’s what it’s all about…

I’m OK. Like I said, my French heritage has an interesting take on the nature of love. Basically, love is what it is to the person feeling it. No Biblical mandates, no scientific explain-aways. Like art, like music, like reality TV, it is an objective experience defined by perception rather than external sources. You might be thinking this is some form of convenient morality…GODDAM RIGHT IT IS!!! WOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!

Who wants to join me in a rousing rendition of the French National Anthem? No? Fuck you. Wanna sing that with me instead?

Anyway, my point is there are many interpretations of love. But the question my stuffed purple bunny had was, “Can someone legitimately love more than one person at the same time?” Of coure this aprked off a huge debate that reached into the back of my closet, arousing my Star Wars action figures from their slumber as they flew in on the gigantic Spider-Man helicopter my dad bought me as a farewell gift before he and my mom divorced. This in turn sparked an ever bigger debate due to the fact that Spidey never needed nor had a fuckin' HELICOPTER! He swings from building, people!!! My father and Hasbro scarred me for life.

Spider-Man couldn’t be reached for comment.

I was able to get the argument back over to loving two or more people at once. I shut up everybody up with my brilliance and the fact that none of them have voices without me. I was also just emerging from the shower, so some of my inanimate buds were quite intimidated. No matter what I do, those tichy red bumps keep coming back!

Now hear this: I tend to believe that monogamy is an artificial state of being. That’s right. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible or stupid, just difficult and absurd. And even when it’s none of those things, it still comes with its share of regrets and “what if’s.” There has to be a reason for that, and I think we all know what it is: Scribe gots to get his groove on!

That’s right. I wrote all this to say if I don’t get some ass soon, there will be many walls with holes made in them without the assistance of a hammer! The other day I warned a MALE friend of mine to keep his childbearing hips away from me or suffer the consequences. I bumped into a nun in the grocery store and she is now with child. Last week I started following a woman with a curvaceous assaround in the hopes of perhaps brushing against her when I realized it was my own grandmother!!!! And I kept following her for five minutes after!

OK, that last thing didn’t happen but I believed it when I was writing it.

Bottom line: If ol’ Scribe doesn’t satisfy his wanton and craven lust you just might get caught in the crossfire.



I knew I'd started to lose it when this

































And





THIS

Caused the same level of arousal in me!!!

I mean, that first chick's skin and bones and boobs and hasn't got a single experience line on her face like Ms. Eudora Welty here!

P.S.

if you think this was a TMI post, you need to be the first one to bend over!!!