DOUCHE OF THE YEAR ANNOUNCEMENT

Well, the votes for Douche of the Year have been tallied and the results are in! I know you’re all anxious to find out who the winner is, but indulge me a moment as I go off on one of my trademark yet very sexy tangents.

I swear to all that’s both holy and filled with holes that I must run into a douche a day these days. I mean they are simply everywhere! What’s going on in the US of A when one cannot walk more than three feet without getting sprayed by the stupidity of some douche? I find it most distressing, as I’m sure you do, since we know none of you are douches. If you were, you wouldn’t be reading this because you’d be too busy trying to figure out whether or not the refrigerator light stays on when it’s closed. (It doesn’t. I stuck my head in there fifteen times before I figure out I needed to remove all the shelving and climb in like a baby returning to the womb)

I believe it’s written somewhere in the Bible, possibly in Idiots 14:12 or Dumbfucks 1:15, that stupid are the douches for they cleanse us of all useful knowledge in favor of spin doctoring and yak theft. (Yak theft was huge in the Bible era)

Yes, the Bible warned us like 6 weeks ago about the eventual domination of the douches. For instance, in Vapor Clouds 12:16, Leon of the Mongoloids says unto some guy in a robe, “Surely thou doth not need to answer a direct question when thou canst simply wink at yon onlookers and sayeth unto them, thou betcha.”

Yep, Sara Palin won. How’d you guess? Was it the historically accurate Biblical references or the Shakespearean “Thou betcha” line? Noo, really I’d like to know! Fine, don’t tell me. Whatever.

I must confess to being a bit disappointed. Palin was such an obvious choice. I was hoping my vultures would try to spark some originality but the voters have spoken. Even though I already wrote about her stupid ass twice before, I will be writing an official Organized Chaos piece later this week.

Then the fun really begins! I have already composed letters for the winner and the runner-up which will be sent to them in various formats. There’s a trophy design and everything. All they have to do is admit to being a Douche and the trophy will be theirs!


John McCain came in second.

Did I use the word "douche" enough? I noticed a few sentences where douche doesn't appear once let alone twice.