SCRIBE'S MOVIE LIST

I’ve written it many times during my blogging career and will probably do so again before I have abandoned the medium in search of newer, more meaningful pursuits, but Americans love lists. They also like to think they’re experts on creative crafts such as movies, TV and music. I like lists, too, but I prefer my own. That’s not because I’m arrogant. It’s simply because I am god-like in both nature as well as stature and my word is law.

Thus, when I spake unto Roger Ebert, he did carry forth my list of movie commandments. But he was a bad, bad porker and threw them at the masses because they were too busy watching reality TV to hear my Word to Your Mother. I punished him with bad hair.

Now I have decided to unveil a list of questions that only the truly enlightened will answer correctly and ascend to the next plane of Scribeism, patent pending. I shall answer them the right away and then send it forth for the rest of you to ruin their sanctity.

Let us begin:

-BEST. MOVIE. EVER.- The Empire Strikes Back.

-WORST. MOVIE. EVER. – http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1800029783/info saw this as a kid with my mom. We held each other afterwards due to the severe trauma and laughter.

-MOST DEPLORABLE GENRE- The sub-genre of horror known as “torture porn.” Exploitation of the audience and the actors at its worst and most repugnant.

-MOST VOMIT-INDUCING REMAKE-Father of the Bride. I would’ve chosen the second one since it is technically more nauseating, but it wasn’t a remake and had a few laughs.

-MOST BEARABLE AND/OR ENJOYABLE REMAKE- JOHN CARPENTER's "The Thing." More like the short story, less like the cheesey 1950's crap-a-thon.

-8 WORDS OR LESS: WHY DOES SATAN KEEP MAKING ROMANTIC COMEDIES? He enjoys watching men’s sacks shrivel up.

-BETTER ACTOR: ELVIS OR JESUS? Hard to say, they were both so good. But I think Elvis had more range and better hair. Pretty sure he got laid more, too.

-2 WORDS: THE ONE THING THAT TURNS YOU OFF OF A MOVIE/FILM? Keannu Reeves.

-DUMBEST IDEA FOR A MOVIE- Earth Girls are Easy. Young Gena Davis as a horny human and Jeff Goldblum and Damon Wayans as furry and friendly aliens who look human when they are shaved.

-BEST IDEA NOT FULLY REALIZED-Total Recall- a brilliant Phillip K. Dick short story is givne the bloated budget Arnold SchwarzeNAzi treatment and becomes mindless action at mid-point.

-BIGGEST GUILTY PLEASURE- Ishtar! Shut up! It’s a brilliant satire! Shut up!

-GREATEST CASTING CHOICE-Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones- it was almost Tom Selleck. I’ve seen the screen tests, people! I’VE SEEN THE SCREEN TESTS!!!

-BIGGEST MISCAST- There have been many, but John Wayne as Genghis Khan is still numero uno. Hearing him utter, “How goes the battle, my brother?” in his typical tough-guy drawl is worth the first ten minutes of the film.

(Just in case you thought I made it up)

BEST BOOK TO MOVIE ADAPTATION- Tie: Fight Club & No Country for Old Men.

-WORST BOOK TO MOVIE ADAPTATION- "The Shining" Jack Nicholson version. I'll catch flack for attacking this beloved descent into camp, but the book and this version of it have nothing in common.

-MOST INACCURATE HISTORICAL DEPICTION- Braveheart. There was so much artistic license taken in that movie I half-expected it to end on another planet surrounded by hyper-intelligent apes.

-MOST INEFFECTIVE SOUNDTRACK- Shallow Hal. The music pulls you out of the terrible screenplay and complete lack of laughs...hmm, maybe it didn't really make a difference.

-MOST EFFECTIVE SOUNDTRACK- Star Wars, bitch!!! What’choo thought? Greatest usage of brass in movie history. Before then, music was steady and rarely altered in movies, John Williams decided to take an operatic approach by giving the main characters their own themes and then interweaving them into the main score.

-MOST OFFENSIVE MOVIE EVER MADE- D.W. Griffith's "Birth of a Nation." See it for yourself.

-WOULD GOD/ALLAH/YAHWEH/BRAHMA/& EVEN BUDDHA APPROVE OF YOUR MOVIE COLLECTION? Yes, they would all be impressed by my massive selection of midget porn.

OK, your turn!!!