AND NOW THE GROIN-TINGLING, RECTUM-PROBING, TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF

THE "FUCK YOU" SERIES!!!


I haven't done one of these since I relocated to the new blog, but it's time has come. So, without further ado,


Fuck you, Rob Zombie:

You’ve certainly had an interesting career. Going form lead singer of new metal band White Zombie to a successful solo career to writing and directing horror films. Wow! That doesn’t happen too often. Congratulations on your success.

If I may, I’d just like to ask one question: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU RUIN A CLASSIC LIKE JOHN CARPENTER’S ”HALLOWEEN!?”

What made you think some former rock star turned filmmaker could even come close to capturing the genius of a revolutionary director? Being a fan is one thing, but trying to re-tell somebody else’s masterpiece is a different matter entirely. Here’s a wacky notion: Since you’re arrogant enough to think you’re that good, I am gonna remake Star Wars only this time it will take place in ancient Atlantis and the Force will be changed to a special suit of armor that gives its users the ability to conduct electricity. Sound stupid? No stupider than breaking the one rule of creative writing I firmly believe everyone should follow regardless of what they write: SHOW, DON’T TELL!!!

Not to be confused with the military policy regarding homosexuals, this is a rule that depends, perhaps unrealistically, on the intelligence of the reader and/or viewer. Instead of flooding us with unnecessary exposition and back-story, stop for a moment and think about what makes the concept effective. I’ll give you an example.

What made the original Halloween so effective was the fact that we as the viewers had to use their own imaginations (you know, that thing the current generation no longer has?) to fill in the blanks. Instead of a textbook psychology lesson, we were treated to a true mystery in the form of Michael Myers. Carpenter wisely threw us right into the action as the young child dons a mask, grabs a knife and enacts horrible violence. He never speaks, he never rationalizes, and nobody tries to make us feel sorry for him because, sniff-sniff, him had a bad childhood. Awww.

Only a talent-less hack would have done the opposite of what Carpenter did. Hell, one could make the argument that only a talent-less hack would have even attempted a remake of this kind in the first place, but you did so we’ll deal with reality instead of what should be.

You took one of my favorite films and you reduced it to another in a long line of dumbed-down garbage. Much like Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula, Michael Myers is reduced to an annoying, supposedly tragic figure we are meant to see as a fallen soul. Far too much screen time and dialogue is wasted on establishing the Myers family as this emotionally abusive, dysfunctional white trash family. This film starts to feel more like a form of self-therapy for Rob Zombie than a horror film as we take a look into the toilet of his sub-conscious and endure gratuitous foul language and hammy acting on the part of the usually brilliant William Forsythe as Michael Myers’ step-dad.

Borrowing from every serial killer case study of the past 50 years, you portray this New Millennium Michael Meyers as a troubled young’n who enjoys killing animals and gets bullied a lot at school. Never mind that he is far too young for his delusional schizophrenic behavior. If you’re going to turn him into just another nut, at least make him an adolescent, which is when mental illness of that variety gets to the point of homicide.

Not only does Michael Meyers talk, thereby ruining all possible mystery, but everybody else does, too. Too much. When you finally show Michael as the killer, you do so in a way that literally stretches credibility and strives for shock value, much like your music. Michael doesn’t just kill his sister in this re-imagined version. He kills his handicapped step-dad, his sister’s boyfriend and his sister. That is one powerful 9 year old.

None of this is even remotely believable because, again, you have removed any supernatural element from the story. Now instead of a Michael Myers who may be inhabited by the Halloween demon enacting a ritualistic sacrifice, this motherfucker is just crazy…and not at all interesting.

Even worse, you apparently have no talent for getting good performances out of your actors. If everyone in your film was an unknown, I would blame it on their lack of acting ability or experience. But when you have none other than Malcolm McDowell and Brad Dourif, it couldn’t be anything but you. How else can I explain legendary actors adding nothing to a bad film?

As a fan of the original movie, I was especially disgusted at the treatment of the Dr. Loomis character. Gone was the icy, almost fanatical psychiatrist who knew his patient was beyond help. In his place stands a wussy, pathetic shell of a man who considers Michael to be his “best friend.” What the fuck kinda piss poor storytelling is that?

I don’t know how you managed it, but you found a way to make the killer’s motivations both meaningless and absurd. You also drained any passion or suspense from the story. You truly are a terrible filmmaker.

On the plus side, I can honestly say you didn’t ruin the film for me the way other remakes have. Gus van Sandt’s Psycho comes to mind. Your film is so repulsively bad that it isn’t even a true remake to me, just the product of a bankrupt imagination and a hack writer/director who should’ve stayed in his ghoulish make-up. The great horror filmmakers-John Carpenter, George A. Romero, Sam Raimi, and even Don Coscarelli- should have no fear of their legacies being threatened if your poor storytelling instincts and listless shooting style are what is passing for horror these days.

So, Fuck you Rob Zombie, for your lack of writing talent and your complete lack of an eye when it comes to shooting a movie as well as your arrogance in thinking you could re-interpret a classic. You are a poor man’s Alice Cooper, which isn’t saying much, so get over yourself!

Bitch~



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