SCRIBE'S NEW GUIDE TO FREAKIN' OUT THE SQUARES:

Anybody who knows me or has either met or been stalked by me knows there’s one thing I enjoy more than anything else: Freakin’ out the Squares! This can only be accomplished through seemingly outrageous behavior of the type rarely seen in today’s button-down, SUV, reality TV mockery of human existence. Thus, from time to time, I unveil various methods for waking up the sleeping masses in the hopes that if you don’t do exactly as I say, you will burn in Zoroastrian Hell for all eternity!!!

You think I just pull this stuff outta me arse??? So what if I do!? It’s still valid! Mine is not just any arse!!! This is an arse of truth! Truth, I say!!! So when things come out of it…y’know, sometimes I just stop and listen to what I’m saying and it truly frightens and disgusts me. I would seek help but nobody’s qualified to provide it to me.

Let’s just go ahead and read my latest five steps to freakin’ out the squares and wakin’ up the dead:

-In no particular order of brilliance-

- HECKLING AT FUNERALS: Look, I don’t care what people say about respecting the dead. Nobody has a better sense of humor than a recently embalmed corpse! Don’t believe me? Take a look at those smiles. They must be happy about something, right? I’ll tell you what they’re happy about: They think they go away with it! And perhaps they did…until now. Now that I’ve opened your eyes to the reality, hie thee to a funeral and heckle the fuck outta that naughty corpse! It doesn’t even matter if you knew him or her…make shit up! The laws of probability state they probably did at least one of those things. Also, know your audience. If it’s one of them there Evangelical Christian funerals, tailor your comments for maximum effect by claiming the deceased was a member of the homosexual underground and a Satanist who planned to open a daycare. At Jewish funerals claim they were Nazi sympathizers and at Muslim funerals claim he ate pork on a daily basis and wore lacy under-garments…then run like hell! Atheists are not immune, either. Goth funerals are the best. If you can wade through the smoke machines and the fake spider-webs, be sure to yell out loud how the deceased was a closet Christian who had accepted Jesus into his heart and was an avid viewer of the 700 Club! Teaching lessons, that’s what it’s all about during a time of bereavement.

- DRIVING DRUNK & IN THE NUDE SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF FOUNDERS FESTIVALS: Why, you may wonder, am I being so specific? If you are, you are most likely one of the squares that requires freakin’ out. Filthy conformist scum! Only people like you think founders festivals are a positive when they are little more than bullshit celebrations built upon the glorification of a pack of lies…like the Grammy’s only worse. Well, OK, maybe not but the security isn’t as tight. Besides, only mind-numbed imbeciles of the soccer mom variety (not you, Autumn, you know you mah girl!) don’t know that these festivals are symbolic of the pervasive denial of the American public when it comes to history. The truth is that these towns celebrating their “rich cultural heritage” are usually built upon the bones of someone else and hide deep, dark secrets from the world. HAVEN’T YOU EVER READ STEPHEN KING AND BENTLEY LITTLE!? I’m afraid the only solution to this ongoing self-deception is a wakeup call involving hard liquor and full front nudity. It’s simple enough to make this happen: Get drunk, rent a convertible and strip down! Wait…maybe you should rent the car THEN get drunk? Either way is good! For the best impact, wait until the old-timers are marching and remembering past glories at the sock hop or the Army Reserve or the weekly cross burnin’ before plowin’ that puppy right into the middle of the festivities. DON’T FORGET TO WAGGLE AND WIGGLE THINGS. If you don’t have anything to waggle, bend over. This is a time-tested technique for rousing people from their slumber and showing them what life is really about: Cars, nakedness, and a little drinky-poo among strangers.


- FREQUENTING CITY COUNCIL MEETINGS & MAKING THEM YOUR BITCH: Not only is this an ideal grass roots place to start your campaign of enema-like enlightenment, it is also a place that has no choice but to listen to your (hopefully) psychotic ramblings. You see, most city council meetings feature a portion of the evening where citizens and other concerned individuals can demand long stretches of time to say whatever the fuck they want! I used to cover these things as a journalist and always secretly hoped one well-intentioned anarchist would show up and blow the lid off the whole artifice. Never happened, though, which is where you come in. Your mission, should you choose to abide by my infinite and compassionate will, is to freak out the squares in a place they can’t silence you as long as you don’t turn violent or obscene. Save that for the end of your time. Don’t let them fool you. They will kindly ask you to step aside for others to speak, so you must be clever. Either pay off the others or wait until they have spoken and get right back up. If you’re not particularly imaginative, don’t worry. I can provide hours of material. Here are a few examples: 1) the plight of local rodents who are being displaced by disorderly teens throwing bottle rockets at gopher holes. 2) The cult that meets behind various area businesses that won’t let you join. 3) The prostitue ring operating out of that church whose name changes every time someone asks you which church you’re talking about. Once you’ve exhausted those, you can wait until X-Mas and mount a protest against public buildings using manger scenes that aren’t anatomically correct. City council meetings are where you can pick up the necessary skills for the next option…

- GOING TO THE AIRPORT’S INTERNATIONAL TERMINAL & YELLING AT VARIOUS FOREIGNERS THAT THE BOMBS/DRUGS ARE SAFE & NOT TO WORRY: Hmm, I guess this one's pretty self-explanatory. All I can really add to this is that I've actually done it before on a small scale and the fun never ends. Of course, I never added the phrase, "Praise Allah" to the equation. Be right back!!!








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That was fun! OK, back just in time for the fifth and final entry that will ensure the squares are freaked out.

DRESS LIKE THIS GUY:

Freaked me out!!!


Death to the facist insect that preys upon the minds of the people!!!

Have no fear, the Cosmic Fool is here, to blow the lid off your conformist button-down world!

-Homer Simpson