3 wishes for Scribey:

Watch me pull a Fox News tactic, it’ll be great!!!

Ahem!

SOMEBODY said to me the other day that I should write a post featuring my secret desires and I just have to wonder how long I’ ve been aching to write that post!

See how I did that? Who needs sources & facts when you can just claim some phantom said something to somebody about something at some point? And here I wasted all this time despising Bill O’Reilley when I could’ve been using his insane tactics for my own good!

Not only did Somebody not mention this to me at all, but neither did anybody! Nobody did either!

Wait…Was I supposed to admit that? I don’t think that’s how it works! Man, those weasels at Fox are cleverer than I thought!

Well, too late to back out now. May I present for your excremental pleasure,

SCRIBE’S THREE WISHES:

Sadly, Eminem already wished for a big enough arse for the whole to kiss, so I guess I gotta come up with something else. Oh, I know!

1. A BIG ENOUGH DONG TO CHOKE THOSE WHO OPPOSE ME!!!

Yes, those of you who have been lucky enough to enjoy intimate aspects of the Scribester know firsthand that I am not far off from this goal by natural selection. However, like I told a female friend the other day, I wanna give 14 inches of love, but my friend won’t loan me his six. Do you know how galling it is to not quite reach double digits??? I feel so emasculated, so alone, so thirsty…if only someone would get me a lovely beverage. Nobody cares. They never have. That’s why I want the gargantuan dong! So I can make everybody love and respect me, like the neighborhood shakedown artist or, as Borat would say, the neighborhood “prust-ee-tewt.”

As readers of my now defunct original Organized Chaos blog know, I was recently fortunate enough to interview my tallywacker and found out some very interesting things that I summarily forgot as soon as I started writing this. So never mind that! My point is with the massive dong I’d be able to thrust it downward into the throats of my enemies and those who opposed me, thereby halting their platitudinous yapping and providing pleasure for myself at the same time. Here’s an example:

Officer- Do you know how fast you were going, sir?
Scribe- Yep.
Officer- Oh, you do?
Scribe- Damn right.
Officer- So why don’t you tell me how fast?
Scribe- Fast enough to snake your drain!
PLOP!!! Down goes the dong into the officer’s esophagus!!!
YEAH!!! Choke on it! Choke on itttttttttttttttt
Officer down! Officer down, biiiiiiaaaaattttcccchhhhhh!!!

Whew!!! That was fun...stupid cop!

2. CHURCHES WITH MANDATORY NAKED TWISTER NIGHTS!!!

Let's face it, what religion is missing is overt casual sex. The only reason there are sex scandals is because those committing them pretend to be virtuous and upstanding. But if my wish comes true, that will no longer be a factor as open sexuality becomes the spiritual norm. Think about it, people! No longer will we be made to feel bad about the various wet spots and unseemly bulges in our pantaloons. From now on, our very own religious "leaders" would be out there displaying raw asshole for all the parishioners, congregants and wilful suicide bombers to behold. How could anyone decry nudity as "sinful" when the person holding the Bible is balancing it on the edge of his John Thomas??? Not only that, everybody would truly be equal in God's eyes because they would all be bent over in bizarre positions displaying the nuts, berries and frosted flakes for all to see! O, it would be glorious, I tellz ya! Just one big Church-in!!!

3. WORLD PEACE!!!

That's right, I am not insensitive to the Utopian dream of no more war and strife. Nothing pleases me more than imaging a world where everyone gets along and there are no more weapons. A world where people hold hands and sing songs about Coca Cola, working together for a common goal of human development and growth. It brings a tear to my eyes to imagine little black boys and white girls and transgendered Asians walking side-by-side in a world that is safe and secure and the only thing "nuclear" is a stable family...

Yep, it sounds so nice. Especially because I would wait a few years until everybody thought everything was cool to walk about with my uncle's gun collection and start fuckin' people up! "Gimme that muthfukin' solar power plant, bitch!" POW-POW!!! Sure, some people would try to fight back with sticks and rocks and shit, but my specially trained army of genetically enhanced cyborg kangaroos would make quick of their punk-asses.

Then I would rule!!!

FINALLY TO RULE!!!

MUAAA HAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA!!!

And my flag would be a perfect replica of my massive throat-closing dong as I commanded the masses to pleasure me with worldwide Naked Twister festivals every Saturday!!!

Ah, the dreams of a a young impressionable boy...