MOVIE REVIEW: TRANSFORMERS

I resisted seeing this film based on the fact that I still think the Transformers was the stupidest fucking cartoon this side of the Cabbage Patch Kids. I am not alone in my assessment, as my hero Randall of “Clerks” referred to it as an affront to God and the sacrifice of his only begotten son .Maybe he went a little overboard with his assessment of the concept, but his heart was in the right place: The idea was stupid as fuck.

However, the movie is pretty damn good! This is mainly due to the human performances that ground the film in utter watchability (is that a word?) and make the viewer give a rat’s ass what’s going on. Plus, the screenwriters & director Michael Bay wisely chose to keep the actual Auto-bots and Decepticons (no, I’m not making those suspiciously Earthbound sounding names up) mysterious as long as possible. This gives the human characters a chance to shine.

Following the George Lucas school of Blockbuster Film Storytelling, we are given likable, relatable characters to help guide us through a preposterous concept. It’s a smart move, because otherwise the more intelligent viewers would see the Transformers idea for what it really is, namely a buncha improbably organic robots with the ability to disguise themselves as vehicles fighting over a fucking cube.

But this is not just any cube (is it ever?) Just once I’d like to see a movie with a bunch of morons fighting over a pretty piece of cubic zirconia. Instead, we get the standard end-of-the-world scenario with a cube containing enough destructive power to re-decorate the entire planet.



I was disappointed that none of my questions were answered, most notably where the hell did these living machines come from? I don't mean their home-world, I mean who made them this way? Were they a cyber-organic weapon that achieved self-awareness or did a dying race turn themselves into these ugly-ass things to avoid extinction? One sentence would have lent some credibility to the film, but one sentence might have wasted precious explosion time.



And the explosions don't stop in what has now become a typical Michael Bay outing, an almost overwhelming, poorly edited, prolonged action sequence with a plot buried somewhere in-between all the noise and lights. Not necessarily a bad thing if that's what you're looking for, and I guess I was that fine Sunday morning 'cause it was one helluva ride.

I'd never seen Shia Labouf in anything before, mainly because his name makes me want to bitch-slap him into infinity. But he was great, as was most of the rest of the cast. John Tuturro in particular stands out as a cocky, power-tripping special agent of a section whose role is nobody's business.

If anything, the movie's third act, the part the Auto-bot geeks were waiting for, is where the film falls apart a bit. Much like The Chronicles of Narnia, this movie throws everything except its underwear at you for the last 3o minutes! Action sequence after explosion after death scene fill the screen in a confusing mess of bad editing and over-blown pyrotechnics. At once I yelled out, "I don't know who the fuck is who in this movie unless they look like people!" And despite not liking the cartoon, I know the characters.

The Decepticons are not developed at all in this film. Head baddie Megatron (Again, I don't make these stupid-ass names up) was always more interesting than Optimus Prime, the leader of the good guys. Yet he is given about 15 minutes of screen time and isn't all that impressive when he shows up. Oddly enough, the human drama on the ground keeps the movie moving and interesting. The fight scenes between the robots were cool and all, but it would have been liking watching the American Godzilla if not for the great acting and dialogue.

Visually, the movie is mostly impressive. The effects are top-notch, the integration of human and non-human is seamless. Why the designers gave the Transformers teeth is beyond me, and reduces their overall great appearance to something out of a 1950's B-movie. I chuckled a couple times when Megatron's face was filling the screen because he had cavities and an over-bite.

Despite any negativity in my review, this was as good as a Transformers movie could be. I sure as hell couldn't have written a better screenplay because I wouldn't have taken it seriously enough. The appeal of these silly toys never made sense to me and I was shunned a lot as a kid for it, but the hell with 'em. I stand by my assertion, in spite of having enjoyed the movie.

The real test of a good film based on what is euphemistically referred to as "licensed material" is whether or not it would have been a good movie without the gimmick. This one would have and that's good enough for me.

***1/ out of ****