THE BEST DUDE UPDATE YET!!!

Here’s how things stand now: Dude’s Aussie love muffin has been busily turning the female members of his family against him by pouring on the charm with equal parts sympathy and domesticity. Furious, Dude decided to shut down emotionally for a while and just let her be as long as she was out of his hair. Big mistake.

The Aussie successfully got his mom, sister and even hated step-mom to put pressure on him to make things work despite his revulsion at her physical appearance and anger over how she misrepresented herself. His dad, not being in possession of the sturdiest spine in history, eventually caved as well.

Outnumbered and outgunned, Dude turned to his “good buddy” Scribe for advice. But Scribe wasn’t interested in talking for a few days and nearly missed out on all the juice. When I finally returned his call, I heard things that actually shocked me.

Dude basically told his family that is they loved her so much they could take her off his hands. As I wrote previously, she refused to return to Australia early because of the expense involved and Dude has no money with which to call her bluff. Besides, she showed no real interest in leaving. This is gumming up the works of Dude’s roommate ad idea because she is squatting in his guest room and Dude is trying to wade through Hurricane Kangaroo so he can go meet his true love, the hottie in Canada he has never met. He sent me pictures. If that is her, I can see why he is so anxious, but considering what happened with this one…well, you get the idea.

When I spoke to Dude on the phone, he told me something I hadn’t anticipated. The Aussie had come to him and told him she’d missed her period and was concerned and frightened. She then let him know she’d told his step-mom about it.

“What the hell were you thinking?” he yelled. “You know I hate that woman!”

“It was just us girls and I needed to tell someone,” she replied.

Dude’s an idiot, by the way, in case you didn’t know. The fact that there are still guys out there that don’t know this is a typical manipulative female tactic is pathetic. She told the step-mom to garner sympathy and further support while sowing the seeds of a grapevine to achieve further backing from his family. Guys like dude still think women are these delicate little things with barely a brain in their heads that couldn’t possibly conspire against them. Dumb ass!!

I asked him how possible he thought this was considering she’s 46 (she looks 56) and he didn’t think it was likely but was scared anyway. He also reminded me of the fact that she has two daughters back home she claims her ex-husband molested even though they chose to stay with him. They are 17-year-old twins and one of them apparently has the mind of a five-year old. Dude happened upon her cell phone one day and saw the following text message string involving the other daughter:

Mom: But (daughter) I love you.

DAUGHTER: Mum, you know what you did and you know what you’re doing.

This is the point where in the movie the foreboding music cues up and the dizzying camerawork starts. If you’ve ever seen the movie “The Step-father” you might understand what it is about her that’s so creepy. Puzzle pieces are starting to fit now. She’s a psychopath and a con artist and Lord knows what else!

The most disturbing part of all this has been Dude’s family’s apparent inability to see through her. I don’t wanna toot my own horn let alone EFB’s, but we could see she was full of it the one and only night we met her. I told Dude I could see the anger in her and he was surprised. “Funny you mention that,” he said. “She’s an extremely negative person. I didn’t think anybody saw it.”

That’s because he’s surrounded by morons! All they see is that she’s cleaned the house some of them once wouldn’t step foot in and made him more domesticated.

I told him to relate it to his family like this…she is running bait & switch con. What she does is lie about basically everything but present the appearance of a lovable, helpful person who really wishes Dude would just open his mind and his heart.

Following that conversation, something even more disturbing occurred a few weeks later. Dude’s sister recently gave birth to a baby girl. At a Labor Day get-together, Dude said the Aussie kept playing with the baby with a glazed look in her eyes and ate tons of red meat. But when I asked him if he got her to take a pregnancy test, he brushed off my question as if it was no big deal. It’s difficult to feel sorry for a guy who panics one moment then acts like it’s noting the next.

However, the following week was his niece’s christening. A big day in a Catholic family, nobody in their right mind would try to throw a monkey wrench into something like that, right? You be the judge.

The Aussie insisted she waned to be part of the Christening and Dude insisted that she not be present for it. He went and bought a card and forbade her to buy any gifts. The Aussie called his mom and started telling her what a horrible person her son was and how she really wanted to go. This time Dude’s mom didn’t fall for the con. In fact, she grew furious and said, How dare you call on an important day like this and insult my son?” Yes, she actually said, "How dare you.”

The Aussie would not be dissuaded, She called Dude’s dad and turned on the waterworks. Picture this part of the movie:

EXTERIOR DUDE’S HOUSE: Dude exits his home, smiling as his mom pulls up. Her expression is strangely tense as he gets in.

CUT TO DUDE’S HOUSE: The Aussie emerges from the side door, carrying an armful of wrapped packages, also smiling as she heads down the driveway.

CLOSE-UP OF DUDE: Where does she think she’s goin’?

CUT TO SHOT OF DUDE’S STREET AS ANOTHER CAR PULLS UP BEHIND THEM: It is Dude’s dad who has come to pick up the Aussie so she can attend the Christening after all!

Do I even need to describe the tension at the Christening as the Aussie literally dumped all the gifts onto Dude’s sister’s lap as he stood there with only a greeting card in hand?

So now the mom is furious, the dad isn’t too happy, and only the evil stepmother still likes her. The other day Dude supposedly purchased some tickets from Expedia.com and the Aussie expressed her desire to return home.

We shall see if she leaves on the 22nd of September.

Stay tuned, vultures. The Greatest Story Ever Bowled might be coming to a head!