TIRED...

I don’t know about the rest of ya’ll, but I am tired of being fucked with.

I am tired of reality being fluid. I am tired of constantly being encouraged and discouraged in the same breath. I am tired of waking up and wishing I knew why I didn’t just stay asleep.

It is tiring to walk through life, pretending I don’t see it for what it is. It is exhausting to deal with the constant lies that cannot be overcome. I am tired of caring so much and being ridiculed for it.

What am I talking about? If you have to ask…well, you should know the rest. But for those of you who get it or will get it, welcome to whatever this is.

2009 has been a year of revelations for me. One wake-up call after another has assailed me until I have had no choice except to stop, reflect and come to some rather uncomfortable conclusions that I will not share at this time.

The important thing is that I’ve come to realize some things do indeed happen for a reason, whether I like it or not. And contrary to what many say, it doesn’t really matter why. It might matter whether or not there’s a purpose behind the reason, but I really couldn’t give less of a fat fickle fuck. It all ends up in the same place.

I am tired. I look in the mirror and see a wasted life staring back at me with its hollow eyes and dead expression. Sometimes I try to tell myself it’s an imposter, some thing that decided to sneak in under cover of night and replace the real reflection that still had life in its eyes. If it were alive, my newer reflection would laugh its ass off at my desperation.

I am empty. There are only so many things in this life that matter and I have exhausted all but the ones that wouldn’t do anything for me even if I tried them. I can only write so much or read so much. Music is now lost to me, having become relegated to little more than background noise while I’m driving or writing. Movies are great but half the time I wind up watching films from my youth that cause me to lose it at least once before they’re over. Too many holes, not enough stuff to fill them. I won’t even mention sex because I’d have to dig too deeply into my memory banks.

I am burned out. This constant onslaught of mindless conformity is overwhelming. Having to constantly endure harsh criticism because I don’t fit in and never wanted to is taking its toll. Not having someone at your side to back you up when you start to doubt isn’t always necessary but it sure as hell helps when you’ve fallen as far as I have! I cannot continue to piss uphill against a typhoon and tell myself I’m making good progress.

And more than anything else, I’m tired of my life being at the mercy of fucking morons who spout party line and company rhetoric as if it’s the most meaningful motherfucking thing in the world. I’m tired of pseudo-intellectual pieces of shit rationalizing insanity and expecting me to nod my head like a good little drone and say, “Amen.” On that note I’m tired of antiquated religions dictating policy and I’m tired of partisan whores running everything into the ground. I’m sick to death of glassy-eyed soccer moms and their equally self-absorbed breadwinner husbands acting as if they’re the only ones that are relevant. I’m also tired of their (hood 'rat counterparts who think looking pissed off all the time and acting as ignorantly as possible will show everybody how much they don’t give a fuck. I’m tired of being alone in a crowd and I’m tired of crowds in general because they’ve come to symbolize human desperation. I’m fucking tired of TV telling me what to fear and who to trust and I’m tired of the Internets giving voice to people like me who just want somebody to hear them and tell them what they think and feel and have to say matters!!!

I’m sorry. I’m just really, really tired.

Don’t mind me~