Within two days of this character being unveiled, I’d incurred the righteous wrath of a tranny in Canada who didn’t seem to care for my “Hot dog! We have a wiener!” comment at all. However, I smoothed things over by writing in my character’s dubious multi-ethnic European dialect “No offenses, feisty kitten…I feel the pains of all the humans being.” Soon we became steadfast friends and (shudder) some flirtation took place. Mission accomplished I screamed from a battleship in the Mediterranean. Now it was time to firmly ensconce myself.
It’s amazing how many people will blindly add someone to their Friends list without knowing them on Facebook. This is especially true of those who have a product to sell such as novels, movies, music and Viagra.
Recently, EFB has come to regard her former martial arts instructor as a conceited asshole whose entire existence seems to be based around himself and what he’s doing. He considers himself a filmmaker and churns out low-budget action and horror films that look like the sort of thing that might have been cutting edge fifteen years ago. But what apparently got to her most was when he posted a pic of some weird-looking chick with the caption, “Now that’s what I call beautiful!” Others echoed the sentiment. I must admit I didn’t get it either. She had crossed eyes, shapeless lips and bizarre cheekbones covered in bronzer. I was asked to comment as the alter ego. I wrote, “Yes, is very beauty. She reminding me of the cross-eyes lady who cleaning the toilets in Minsk…I never been to Minsk but I hear story.”
There was no response to what I wrote, although the guy’s (we’ll call him Mitch) childhood friend wrote that she was very beautiful. A few days later I logged in as the character and grew annoyed at the guy’s constant data mining of his friends’ pages with his crappy movie stills. In this case, they were scenes from a strip club in one of his action movies. I wrote the word, “Repulsive” underneath the post.
A few hours later my cell phone received an email through Facebook from him headlined, “Repulsive?” The message demanded to know what the negative comment was about. Already this guy was showing his true colors as not only unprofessional but also unable to take criticism. I wrote back, “Why? Is only allowed to making the comments that are kissings the behind?”
In the meantime, Mitch had gone ahead and replied to my comment about the “beautiful” woman by writing. “Well, whoever the hell you are. God wasted a perfectly good ass when he put teeth in your mouth!”
I started laughing while driving home, already knowing what my comeback was gonna be: “Yes? Well, God make a perfect and complete ass and named it Mitch!”
That was all it took; he went into a blind rage at that point, threatening me with physical harm and proving what Id always suspected: His BS act of total mastery of his negative emotions was exactly that. Another one of EFB’s idols and secret crushes wore no underwear (metaphorically speaking, I hope).
I decided to fan the flames of a potential ass kicking by writing on his wall for all to see, “Why you talkings like street trash? We settles this like the true artists and see who making the better moviefilm. I use my cell phone camera to making it even.”
The following is the actual conversation thread between my alter ego and the increasingly scary and violent martial arts master who was stupid enough to leave a paper trail:
Subject: Bring it on!
Yeah well I knew you were a coward wimp you freak! I say lets meet up right now with that cell phone of yours. That phone will be filming the inside of your bloody hemorrhaging ass ! I live right in the Metro area.
Reply: so you are fighting type? How you know my ass hemorrhage?
Him: You don't know who the fuck I am but I will find out who the fuck you are ..You can count on it pal, Freak, whatever you are and I'm gonna make you pay for this shit!!
(3 minutes later he added the following) You can talk your shit on the internet coward but sooner or later I'm going to find out who you are.... and I won't even say what I'm going to do to you just for sport!! You better start asking around before you start picking fights with people you know nothing about!!!
Reply: I didn't picks fight with you I gave my opinion and you get all moody blues. IF YOU CANNOT TAKE HEAT LEAVE OUT OF THE FURNACE! I challenge you as artist and you threaten me because you can see I am real deal. I leave to you the alone if you not willing to be adult.
Him: Give me your opinion to my face if you have the balls any time anywhere. Now is just fine. Just tell me when and where. I know you aren't who you portray yourself to be on here.. I'm in the mood today to do some real serious damage!!
Reply: why you so angry? Where I am from we gives the opinions and has the debates. One times my mentor antonhe tell me my sketch make his rectal twitch then we go for rice puddings. If I am givings you bad day not what was in planning.
Him: That's ok man. I'm going to be proactive in finding out who your real identity is and then we will see what we'll see. (another 3 minutes later he responded to the twitching rectum comment with...) I don't care about all your internet ramblings to me.. i just want to exterminate you like a bug... Agree to meet me somewhere. Bring whoever you want.. Bring gun.. knife.. I don't care whatever makes you feel like you have a chance..Here is my number. You call it...(number reluctantly omitted)
Reply: You are too the violence. I no call you. Goodbye good lucks.
As much fun as I had with Mr. Testosterone 1985, I had even more when his much more reasonable childhood friend decided to contact the great artiste and give his two cents:
Friend: I think you owe this woman an appology for the words you said ..
Reply: (Alter ego) does not apologizes for this. You american are too sensitivity! I POO AT YOU!
Reply: (Alter ego) does not apologizes for this. You american are too sensitivity! I POO AT YOU!
Friend: You are too strange .. I poo every morning and often times 4 times a day . do you think the words you say offend me ..Never will happen ..Doesnt matter to me that your Russian Brain is about the size of a pea either ..I have many Russian Friends ..Or MAybe you are French ..I dont know , to hard to tell from all the hair and make up you have on ..Either way ..Enjoy ..I just think it is ignorant to make rude comments , if you do not even know the person you are talking about ..
Reply: do not need to know person to critique why mine get bad spanky? He is moviefilm maker but cannot taking the criticals. You seem like nice man dude. not like mean violence man who scare me and want to squash me like bug sounding like wrestler of america united states. Alfonse is very hurt and will leavings the bookface to finding places where complimentaries go to women who are the deserving. Oh and that is not picture of alfonse you no understandings the irony.
(This is the picture he thought was "me." Really dealing with some brain trusts here)
Friend:You were Critiquing of a beautiful woman ..You cant compare a beautiful woman to someone who cleans toilets ..No comparison there at all ..If you said those same words about my wife , I might want to squash you like a bug ..I guess maybe you might try to think before you speak .In other words on face book if you cant say something nice , just keep it to yourself ..So how about going back and deleting the comment you made on that beautiful woman ..If not because someone wants to squash , how about because a nice Man asked you to ..
Reply: well I am sorry to insulting violence man's wife but seriously new friend. What is beauty about woman with crossing eyes and fat lips. color is the striking but that due to makeup. I am artiste I have eye. But (alter ego) is finished with these monkeying of business. Tell violence man (alter ego)meaning no offenses. Cannot deleting comment because no longer friend with he.
Friend: I see , I think make up can be overdone as well ..I dont think he is violent , was just angry , I cant speak for him though ..I live to far away ..I am sure the comment will be deleted ..Anyway , that photo was probably a photo shoot done by a modeling agency ...As for the amount of makeup I assume the modeling agency is responsible for it .We will just leave it at that .
Reply: I am wishing more american man were like you. I TAKE BACK POO FROM YOU. you are good man.
There is more to this story that I won't bother posting here yet but isn't it amazing how much fun you can have with idiots and slightly less idiotic friends of idiots?
6 comments:
Your part of the conversation sounds like Borat!
heh heh. you should drop an anonymous line to the police saying you're concerned about this exchange you overheard so mr idiot gets a knock on his door.
In other news, is EFB on facebook? i almonst commented something about her after one of your status updates and then realised that she may be listening in!
I got a friend request from he/she. I declined. *phew*
AG,
I am defintely keeping this record just in case he sues his resources to track my ass down. Email me for specifics on your other question.
I'm so confused. But that's par for the course for me. I declined he/she too... Are you saying that was you?
*raises eyebrow*
Yes it was me.
Post a Comment