IRONY, THY NAME BE DUDE.

Brief recap: This guy I call “Dude” who is an unlovable slacker, sexist, racist, macho ******* has done it again. As you may recall, he married a younger woman from Canada who wound up pregnant by an illegal Mexican guy, they separated and Dude started fishing online for a new woman. Several failed attempts resulted, most notably the chick that told him first she needed to go to Florida and seek out a porn star. Eventually, he “met” an Australian woman who was older than him with an evil husband (they all seem to have these) supposedly sexually assaulted both of their daughters and is a pretty violent guy. Here comes Dude to save the day!

Now he and the Down under Wonder have formed a relationship that stretches the entire way to the other side of the world although they’ve never met. Despite repeated entreaties from EFB, he insisted he knew this woman inside and out and that they were in love. She sent pictures to him of herself and he drooled over them. I saw these pictures. I didn’t drool but I did notice something else: NO matter what the background, it always seemed to be the same photo.

Even EFB, normally a visually oriented person, didn’t notice this. Ah, the keen eye of the Scribe misses nothing! It was always her in front of different stuff, sometimes turned around but always that same outfit, facial expression, and hairstyle. For some reason, both Dude and another former co-worker I will call “Mr. Mackey” thought we were crazed conspiracy theorists when this was brought up. Obviously, my status as a writer caused my wild imagination to run free and start running scenarios through my head in order to make life more interesting.

A couple weeks ago, during a surprise birfday party for me, Mr. Mackey gave us the most recent scoop. Apparently, the Aussie dame had sent a newer photo of herself and dude was freaking out a little bit. This was not the woman in her early to mid thirties he’d been spankin' it to for months now. Mackey wouldn’t give details but he did keep saying she was definitely not the younger woman seen in the earlier photos. That in itself wouldn’t be a problem, I guess, but Dude always steps it up a notch.

He and the Aussie had worked out a plan. She was going to sell off all her things and move to the U.S. with Dude. Yep, she was leaving her abused daughters to live with their father who supposedly bribes them with gifts in-between legal battles. I’m not the only one that found it odd that she was willing to leave her children, no matter how old, to their own fates and move all the way to the other wise of the Earth. It’s almost as if she’s running from something.

I have been looking forward to her arrival for months now. In fact, it keeps me going on those nights when ‘m feeling low. EFB had started wondering if it would even happen. She thought it was possibly an online joke, but I had faith. You hear that, Green? I had faith in something! Enjoy it while it lasts, my friend.

The Big Day finally arrived. Dude ran to Costco to stock up his shelves with healthy food since that’s how she supposedly eats where she’s from. In an amusing side note, he admitted to feeling rather uncomfortable when he walked up to the cash register with strawberries, a giant bottle of olive oil, whipped cream and condoms. The cashier, he said, was angry with him and treated him badly.

Now, let’s step a little further to the side for a moment…the cashier was angry??? What right does some fucking cog in the warehouse club machine have judging a paying customer? So instead of simply doing the job she was hired to do like a good little robot, she had the nerve to display anger. Imagine me in that situation. I woulda been all like, “Oh, snap! I only got one box of muthafukin' condoms??? Sheeeeiiitttt! I need the rougher ones for when we switch it up and start doin’ it in the ass! Be right back!”

And fuck yeah I would’ve actually brought more!

Okay, back to Dude. As he waited around at the airport for her impending arrival, EFB and I texted him amusing comments. Well, mine were amusing anyway. I told him I was expecting a real-time pic when she showed up or else. When he expressed his nervousness, I assured him nothing would happen and that she wouldn’t turn out to be a psycho. If she did, I wrote, “we’ll avenge you.” It was a forced joviality on both of our parts, his because he was scared and mine because I was pretending to like him. Then everything changed when I received his text message at 12:18am.

“OK. Home now. Just a little bummed. Nothing like pics. I’ll be ok man.”

Jackpot! This was what I was waiting for! I texted back to find out what was wrong.

He wrote: “Now what am I gonna do right now. You know I’m a nice guy.”

Of course. Nice guys always wish babies dead because they are an inconvenience. No matter how upset you are, you don’t have the right to wish a baby hadn’t made it because it was born of an affair. But I digress. There was more.

“She’s really nice. Very sweet. Doesn’t look remotely like her pics. Maybe 20 years older and 50lbs heavier, she understated things she told me. Um don’t know.”

It took several hours for him to respond to my text messages the next day telling him I was sure it wasn’t that bad and to send me a pic and, oh, yeah, I’m worried about ya, man. (tee-hee)

Finally he replied with a rather uninspired, “Sorry didn’t get back with you. Will have to call later. I’m ok thanks.” I reiterated how “worried” I was and he thanked me. Now, the waiting game began…

Fortunately, it didn't last long. I texted EFB and asked how he looked. The following is our text conversation on the topic:

SHE: They boinked so he looks good but...

ME: LMAO He hit it anyway? But what?

SHE: She has saddle bags a huge gut and her bra strap got swallowed by her shoulder fat when she wore a sleeveless shirt and people were looking at them weirdly in public.

ME: Daaaaammmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnn!

SHE: Maybe not that bad. He is begging us to meet her cause he doesn't want her.

ME: What? Are we supposed to take her off his hands? LOL

SHE: LOL He needs to know if we see any chemistry between them.

ME: Maybe it is made of fudge?

SHE: He said she wore biker pants and shorts and pudge to the left and pudge to the right spilled out.

ME: This is so much irony!

SHE: I said, "You did wrap that weiner, right? He was like, "With the thickest condom they make!" I said, "Well, at least you got tap it cause you looked relaxed."

ME: Well he was obviously able to ejaculate!

SHE: YUCK-O! I guess. Didn't ask.

ME: You know his shot his load like a super soaker!

SHE: STOP.

I'm so under-appareciated. This one is going to require updates I just know it! Yeeehaaaaaa! I am so happy right now!!!