THE DUDE CHRONICLES CONTINUED

“She went from being Christie Brinkley online to Bette Midler in real life.”

That’s what Dude said about his recently arrived love from Down Under. Disturbingly outdated pop culture references aside ( I might’ve said from Fergie to Rosie O’Donnell) he apparently had quite the uncomfortable experience at the airport. It’s best summed up this way:

WHAT DUDE WAS EXPECTING: A thin, youthful-looking woman in her mid-forties whose every movement dripped with class and sophistication.

WHAT DUDE GOT: A pudgy, old looking lump whose awkward movements and verbal delivery made him wonder if this was what an Australian redneck looks and acts like.

Here’s how it went down: Dude arrived at the airport where he had to wait for longer than expected thanks to delayed flights. He finally wound up in baggage claim, looking around pensively for the woman who was going to rescue him from the raw emptiness his life had become. So far, he hadn’t seen anyone that looked like her. Suddenly, someone yelled out, “Hi, Dude!”

“Um, hello,” he said. Who was this woman?

“It’s me!” she said, smiling big and wide.

Dude’s world fell and shattered like a cheap snow globe. When he was later asked if he’d recognized her, he said he had not. Even when she said hello to him, he still wondered who this woman was and how she knew him. It didn’t click that this was “her” until she said so, despite the Australian accent. Not only did she look nothing like her online picture (the same **** pic with different backgrounds) but her outfit was…well, it was pretty fucking strange!

She had on sunglasses and a large, weird hat along with her tight bike shorts. Dude felt the entire airport staring at them as they walked together, him unable to believe how old she looked. She doesn’t look like she’s the age she says she is, according to him. He’s going to sneak a look at her passport.

The details of their drive back to his house are unknown to all except them but I know where he lives and that is a long drive from the airport. It was probably less lengthy because of the time of night but something tells me he was hoping it would last longer.

The following day Dude seemed happy to be at work. EFB, his supervisor, said she’d never seen him so productive. But despite that happiness, he also presented the appearance of someone who had been severely traumatized. When she asked him how he was doing, he said, “It’ll be all right.”

Later he asked her to help him make some copies. Of course she knew he already knew how to do it so she said, “Sure, let’s go for a walk.” In the copy room, Dude admitted that there had been ***. Lots and lots of it. Apparently, the Down under Wonder has quite the appetite and liked what she saw. Dude worked out and got himself in shape for months, even going so far as to shave his chest hair and use bath salts on his pores. By contrast, his description of her makes it sound as if she did NOTHING to present a decent physical appearance. Hat’s not a good sign.

Dude descried her by saying her face was pretty but she looked old. He wasn’t even sure she was the age she claimed online. She’s busty, he told EFB, but they’re like grandmother tits and the rest of her is pudge to the left and the right. Why he allowed further manipulation by sleeping with her more than once I don’t know. Makes me ashamed of my fellow men.

Look, my mom taught me something invaluable in life. She said there were two things malicious women would try to use as a control mechanism: Sex and food. If you could control your libido and cook, they had no power over you, especially if you never had kids.

Dude doesn’t get women. I know! Try to get over the shock. According to him, she really loves him. Her eyes lit up when she saw him looking pretty much the same as the ten-year-old photo he uses and she’s really sweet and really nice and she really, really loves him!

Okay. Fine. Let’s take that at face value for a mo-mo. Let’s assume this woman who walks into an airport wearing sunglasses at midnight with a giant stupid hat is only here to start a new life. Let’s assume that the fact the she won’t allow him to photograph her isn’t suspicious at all…noooo, not at all! I’m sure her love is genuine…

Anyway, Dude’s all in a tizzy over this for obvious reasons. Sadly, I find myself going into “bro” mode and sympathizing with him. Already I’ve come up with two exit strategies for the poor *******, one of which involves INS. He wants both EFB and myself to meet his new lover and give our opinion. He wants to know if we can spot any chemistry between them. We were all supposed to be going out Saturday night to see “Bruno” because eh thinks the movie will relax his tension. I saw it and a homophobe like him would be far from relaxed. Trust me.

I pushed for us to do it Friday because EFB’s piss poor advice could ruin everything. She told me that he’s stuck with this situation because she isn’t some woman who came from the next town over. She sold her house and left her country. All true. She said he needed to go home that night and fool himself mentally by imagining they were childhood sweethearts who met again years later no longer looking the same.

“But he does looks the same!” I yelled as she told me this. “That’s the problem. She deceived him and showed up as a human tub of goo while he got all svelte for her!”

“Basically,” I said, “You gave him the advice women were given back in the 1600’s regarding sex. Just lay back, think about cleaning, and let him do is sinful business.”

Oh, my god, it’s happening isn’t it? I’m crossing over into the Bro-Zone. But I can't stand this guy! AaAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!

I’m a man, dammit! I am not ruled by emotion and spitefulness, but if you hurt my feelings I’ll spend years stabbing you in the back before I destroy you! I can put my differences aside and work for the common good: Namely, getting that Aussie cow back where she grazed from! Okay, maybe that was harsh but she played him like a fiddle and now it’s time for the big leagues to step in!

I’ll let you know more after I’ve met her~