A LETTER I SENT TO MY LOCAL LIBRARY

Dear Library Overlords,

I am and have been a patron of your lovely library for decades now, more than I’d care to specify in this letter. I was there for the original, smaller location and provided my full support for the gloriously huge monstrosity that now sits at the edge of Evergreen Rd. and stares balefully at passers-by. However, I am most upset with some aspects of the internal running of your divine institution, most notably in regards to the borrowing policy.

I am an avid borrower. This horrible economy has necessitated that. I gravitate toward free forms of entertainment and, frankly, I have more than enough financial trouble these days keeping up with my fiancé’s Oxy-contin addiction and the mysterious disappearances of large sums of cash from my jewelry box. Yes, I have a jewelry box, please don’t judge me or view me as less than a man. Your opinions are important to me, as you are the longest-running relationship I have ever had. The second is my dog Ernest, named after Ernest Borgnine and not Hemmingway who was an overrated homo-phobic hack of monumental proportions. He would have delighted in wrestling me! I might hav e delighted in allowing it…

As an avid borrower and a resident of the city in which your palace of media-related enrichment stands, I feel often disregarded and disrespected by your otherwise yummy & scrumptious place of employment. Consequently, I’ve always wanted to work in a library, absorbing the smell of the books and the various patrons, reading on my lunch breaks and laughing with children as they break limbs in the play area and learn about life. Alas, I shall have to content myself with being a patron and avid borrower.

I am an avid borrower. I am there almost daily, exiting the building with armfuls of novels and films and sometimes CD’s when I’m feeling extra-frisky. Lately I have developed an interest in TV series on DVD, especially the ones that aired on cable. Ironically, those shows tended to remain on the shelves for months at a time, rarely if ever being taken out by other patrons. I know this because I am there so often. However, as soon as I developed an interest in a particular show, I suddenly had to start reserving the next installment and then waiting for up to a week for them to be returned! Now, obviously this is being done as a personal sleight to me. What else could be happening? What are the odds of some other patrons suddenly deciding to borrow the very next episodes of DVD’s I am, planning to borrow? Exactly!

What disgusts me is your complicity in this. How can you simply sit back in your ivory towers of six-figure incomes and free books and allow this to continue? I am a taxpayer (most years) and I demand satisfaction!!!

I cannot stomach the idea that atrocities such as this are being perpetrated without some form of oversight. I am losing sleep, rarely eating and my trips to the bathroom are far less frequent. Please address this issue as I do not know how much longer I can last before this cruel universe devours me. I threw out my Bible and copy of the Baghavad Gita the other day because there can be no god in a world with such outrageous injustice.
Sincerely,

-A Faithful Patron

P.S.
I hope you’ll understand why my name isn’t included in this email as I am most certain I have enemies in the Non-Fiction department who seek my destruction at all costs.