LOSING COOL POINTS:

From time to time, as we travel along on this blue-green septic tank known as “Erf,” the human race reaches out to others of its kind for guidance and…um, stuff. Sadly, those we choose to look up to are themselves just as flawed as the rest of us and occasionally let us down in ways both minor and significant.

The best way to monitor these eventual letdowns is through the Cool Points system. For those unacquainted or not cool enough, this is a system by which we are all bound. Everyone is issued a certain amount of Cool Points, the exact amount of which is determined to a lesser extent by lifestyle and accomplishments and to a larger extent by ME.

Inevitably, someone will have his or her points deducted for some reason or another. This list is concerned with those rare individuals who not only lost Cool Points but also caused irreparable harm to themselves to the point where they might never recover them.

Make sense? No? Re-read the previous paragraphs five more times then take a big bite out of the underwear I wore while I was feverish and incontinent! Now let’s get to it:

QUENTIN TARRANTINO: To quote David Byrne, “That man was my hero/Now that name has been taken from us.” He’s still someone to admire when it comes to writing, directing and imagery but what the hell was he thinking being A GUEST JUDGE on “American Idol?” As if that wasn’t bad enough, he then returned during the current season to select the music because he’s known for having such an interesting taste for his films. Why, QT? You’re the outsider agitating all the politically correct numbskulls in Hollywood, not the gosh-O-keen dork-O-matic candy-pop lovin’ doofus!!! This is the guy who once bitch-slapped the producer of Natural Born Killers for allowing Oliver Stone to do extensive re-writes? Can feminine hygiene product commercials be far behind?
STARTED WITH 100,000,000 POINTS
DEDUCTED: 15,000

MEL GIBSON: Where do I start with this guy? Unlike Green, the rest of the universe and I know Mel Gibson to have been one of our finest actors. At one time he was the hottest property in Hollywood. Then he went kinda crazy and started espousing extremist Catholic rhetoric, culminating in an excellent directorial effort about some guy who got beaten up a lot. I laughed off the anti-Semitic criticisms of the film and the man and his Holocaust denying father, but then he proved the old adage, “In vino veritas,” which translates to “Drunk muthafukas tell no lies.” He said it to that cop the way he feels. As bad as that was, his recent infidelity with reportedly more than one Russian babe with the same name has revealed him to be a hypocrite of the highest order, confirming what we non-religious types always suspect when we meet a zealot…they live secret lives.
STARTED OFF WITH 500,000 COOL POINTS
DEDUCTED: 200,000

EMINEM: I’m always on the fence about this guy. He’s from my home state so I have a different, less romanticized vision of him than people in other parts of the U.S. & other countries. I’m not saying he’s fake; I don’t think he is, although he probably exaggerates some of his “life story.” The man has street cred, regardless of what the Insane Clown Posse says about him. But every time he seems like the white Tupaq, he makes some bizarre and often pussy-ish choice. Taking his ex-wife back after she cheated on him, his odd choice to defend overrated cross-dresser with obvious daddy issues Marilyn Manson, and his almost as weird decision to perform a duet with Elton John during a Grammy broadcast. His rating goes up and down like Courtney Love in a pay toilet.
STARTED WITH 80,000 cool points
DEDUCTED: 25,000

BILLY BOB THORNTON: How could the guy who once hilariously referred to Smokey & the Bandit as the Citizen Kane of the South be such a prick? Apparently, like Rick Springfield before him, Thornton wants to be considered a serious musical artiste. I guess that can only take place if he gets everyone to overlook his film career. Recently on a talk show in Canada that is simulcast on TV and on the radio, he acted like such a colossal asswipe to the host as well as insulting Canadian audiences for being like “Mashed potatoes without the gravy” that he wound up angering an entire nation of maple syrup loving pacifists! Upload the interview if you can. He couldn’t have been a bigger, more arrogant slice of shit stew.
STARTED WITH 200,000 COOL POINTS
DEDUCTED: 100,000

CHRISTIAN BALE: Man, that wussy little tirade he threw at the lighting guy was so…Wait! Christian Bale was never cool! He is a sub-par actor with a weird mouth and he looks like he never bathes. Let’s go to the next one.
STARTED WITH…BWAAAA HAAA HAAA

And finally,

SCRIBE: That’s right, your friendly neighborhood blog author isn’t immune to the Cool Points system. Lord knows he’s lost quite a few over the years, especially with the onset of the 2000’s. “Highlights” include losing the love of his life & giving in to the lure of perceived normalcy by hooking up with you-know-who. In-between he lost some lifelong friends, alienated some family members who admittedly need to get over themselves, and stupidly spent his sizable inheritance. Currently he’s a corporate stooge who’s contemplating going back to school to become a teacher because it’s the least of many evils, despite his disdain for that so-called “profession.” Oh, and he supposedly has a novel coming out but he’s gotten the run-around so much that he’s starting to thinks he’s as full of shit as others probably do! Yep, when it comes to having lost Cool Points, the Scribester exemplifies the word, “fuck-up.”
STARTED WITH 25 COOL POINTS
DEDUCTED: 24

I am going to go lie down in a fetal position now. Laterssssssssss~