SCRIBE GRANTS INTERVIEW, WORLD SHARES COLLECTIVE ORGASM

FACING DECLINING READERSHIP, SCRIBE UPS ANTE WITH SHOCKING GAMBIT
-Pete Petey Peterson, CMW (Corporate Media Whore)

Metro Detroit, MI- Renowned blogger and all-around shit-stirrer Scribe E. McScribevich made some rather candid comments regarding the state of blogging in a news conference this past Wednesday.

The only reporters who were there to hear the comments were a guy from the free local auto trader weekly and the lifestyles reporter for the Meatpackers Local 1414 newsletter. Scribe later contacted some of the major media outlets for a second conference, which resulted in only this paper conducting a one-on-one interview.

Using basically the same comments he made during the first conference, even going so far as to refer to me as “That guy that likes to pack his meat” before being reminded I am not a meatpacker, Scribe then asked me if it was fudge I packed. He then giggled incessantly like a schoolgirl and slapped his knees like a down home country cousin for the next five minutes.

Once he’d finished laughing, he grew angry that no one else had joined in and started admonishing random passers-by with harsh comments such as, “Hey, Pimples! Why don’t you squeeze the pus out of some of those bumps so your hearing won’t be obscured?” He seemed to take delight in the reaction of the person as she ran crying into traffic and was nearly stricken by an oncoming SUV.

When asked why he’d accosted the stranger, Scribe replied, “Nine year olds are my enemy.”

As anyone who reads Organized Chaos can attest, Scribe has many so-called “enemies.” His targets range from militant midgets to soccer moms to neo-conservatives and he is unapologetic about this fact.

“Look, any idiot can write blog posts about their daily lives and stuff they like,” he said. “It takes a special blogger to link the actions of infants and the elderly with a supernatural conspiracy to overthrow the world and establish a dictatorship run by those evil bastards in the recyclables industry.”

It is exactly loose association like that that made Scribe’s early blogging so popular. A self-confessed sexually frustrated boot fetishist, Scribe was bought into the blogging world by some guy he refers to as “Dutch” in 2005. Some have speculated that this Dutch person is yet another figment of an already active and, some might say, frighteningly psychotic imagination.

A few years ago some pasty-faced losers with too much time on their hands, myself included, discovered a blog that was indeed started in 2004 by someone calling himself “Dutch” with a unibrow and the occasional witty observation on life.

Scribe’s early struggle to attain a readership was awkward and experimental. His work often came off as alienating and bizarre. Apparently this “Dutch” advised him to start writing about his relationship, which, at the time, was insane, and suddenly the readers found him. Comments on the original Organized Chaos blog could easily number more than thirty per post, especially between 2005 & 2007. Of those early days, Scribe says, “People love it when you’re more fucked up than they are. They eat it up. Look at George W Bush! Look at Octo-mom!”

According to him, he noticed a subtle shift in his response quantity when things started to normalize in his life.

“Once I’d found a decent job and had an actual physical book coming out, people didn’t seem as interested as they did when I was crying into the toilet at night and running nekkid in traffic in the hopes that Jesus would see me and bring me up into heaven with all the other Scientologists.”

While the naked in the street incident can be verified by checking the records of Scribe’s local police department, some more esoteric things are more difficult to pin down. For instance, did he stay with the infamous EFB so he’d have things to write about or because he is a glutton for punishment?

“Contrary to what people like to theorize,” Scribe said, “I don’t enjoy being miserable. I just don’t always think I deserve the illusion of happiness. And yes, part of me will endure almost anything for a good story.”

Another thing people have often wondered is whether or not Scribe is exaggerating when he writes his posts.

“When I’m exaggerating, it’s usually for effect. For instance, do you really think I walk up to nuns and start yelling at them to release the devil from the church dungeon so we can party? OK, that’s a bad example, but there are things I make up, just never stuff about my life.”

Is it important to him to “keep it real?” According to the Scribester, it’s more than important, it’s vital. However, keeping it real doesn’t mean not knowing when to refrain from boring the living piss out of your audience.

Scribe points to soccer moms, the group he considers the scourge of all that is good, decent and intelligent, as a perfect example of this.

“It’s safe for me to tell you and everyone else that soccer moms have absolutely nothing to say. Nothing. If they did, they wouldn’t be soccer moms.”

Many refute Scribe’s peculiar brand of logic as the rantings of a well-****, woman-pleasin’ loon. That kid who calls himself Bush-Cheney isn’t at all impressed with what the Scribe is cookin’.

“Dude, he’s so harsh and mean, like my dad after he’s been dumped by his latst boyfriend and has to go home to my mom.”

Scribe says he isn’t concerned with those who downed a giant mug of Haterade. In his view, anyone who disagrees with him is probably happy and therefore stupid.

Fellow blogger and sex machine Rudy the H.E. sees Scribe as the alpha and omega of blogging. “One night while we were planning our blogs for the week, Scribe told me I needed to post a picture of my massive genitalia online and pretend to be the president of a NAMBLA splinter faction that favors every decision made by the current Pope. I was nervous about doing this because the Pope and I were high school buddies, but Scribe forced my pants down and held me all night until I was able to do it. He’s such a caring nurturer.”

What amazes Scribe is the amount of melodrama that resulted from his blogging experience. He has been prepared on several occasions to cease operations because of the BS going on amongst his readers. But the writing bug doesn’t let anyone go that easily. That’s why Scribe has a radical plan to rebuild his readership.

“Much like concentration camps for Republicans, it’s time has come.”

More on what Scribe is up to in the second and final installment…unless nobody comments, in which case, muthafuckit!!!