SCRIBE CENSORED NO MORE

Why do people get so pissed off at me when I give my opinions on movies these days? It seems to have started sometime last year and it’s getting progressively worse as 2009 marches onward.

I’m not referring to people on Blogger or other online formats, either. I’m talking about people I know in real life. The weird thing is I know for a fact that my delivery hasn’t changed. I still provide my opinions the same way I always did, with forthrightness and an at least passing knowledge of storytelling composition and filmmaking.

People that know me in real life and even online know I don’t tend to espouse the typical moviegoer’s outlook on popular or lesser known fare. In fact, it’s safe to assume that when a cult crops up around a film based on its perceived hipness, I probably won’t be castrating myself and donning the androgynous robes. Still, that also doesn’t mean I will automatically hate the film. I’m not one of those people who dislike things based on their popularity, it just tends to happen that way

For instance, when the Tim Burton/Johnny Depp “Sleepy Hollow” remake was released, I felt it was a politically correct bastardization of a brilliant little tale. Instead of following the original with a bit more of fleshed out plot, Burton’s version transformed it into a Nineties era conspiracy tale of righteous female vengeance with Depp cavorting around like a wussy Cluseau-esque man of science. My friend Al loved the film, as he usually does whenever someone reinterprets something he never read. It’s safe to assume he never read anything, since Al only reads periodicals. So his opinions on literature adapted to film, in my humble opinion, are meaningless and often annoying. When we disagreed on “Hollow,” he said, “I’m sorry, I’m with the masses on this one.” I told him to enjoy his anonymity. He either didn’t get it or chose to ignore as he merely repeated what he’d already said.

But that was ten years ago. Since that time he and I have agreed and disagreed on several films, some of which we have sat right next to each other and watched. People have become more and more obnoxious about their critiques of films as Internet forums have increased. Everybody is an expert and nobody is a professional. I don’t consider myself a pro either, but I am trained in commentary and understand that what distinguishes an amateur from a professional is the ability to keep one’s feelings out of the equation.

Take, for instance, all those nuts that wrote hate mail to the critics that didn’t care for “The Dark Knight.” Those of you who remember my posts on that particular movie may remember I received some of my own for not joining in with the Bat-cult. http://scribesorganizedchaos.blogspot.com/2008/07/scribes-adventures-with-bat-cult.html

My former friend Ed whose allegiances now tend to run toward EFB because of his obvious barely concealed feelings for her thought “Dark Knight” was the Second Coming of Super-hero cinema. I thought it was a horrific misfire of pretentious over-reaching and pedestrian screenwriting. This threw Ed into a blind rage, as if I’d insulted his family or squashed the skull of his puppy with my booted heel. He actually informed me he didn’t want to hear my views on the film unless I agreed with him.

I saw “Dark Knight” with Al, who also thought it was the greatest thing since sliced Jell-O. He kept glancing at me during the movie to see how I was reacting, which I wasn’t, really. I chuckled a few times but aside from that I sat like a stone through the whole nearly three-hour long mess. As soon as I told him what I thought, he attempted to brush off my comments as me trying to be different. If you truly wanna piss me off, that’s one of the quickest and most effective ways to do it.

First of all, I am different, godammit. My background is in writing and I am a voracious reader. That places me in a different category than most of the movie going public automatically. Second, I will not be accused of making an effort to be different by someone who is so firmly ensconced in his own world that he actually thinks anything that looks stupid will be seen as such by everyone else. A person that lives in his own self-imposed kingdom of bullshit has no right making such a claim about someone who actually exposes himself to different ways of thinking and different types of people.

This past November, Al and I made our traditional trip to see the latest James Bond outing, “A Quantum of Solace.” The previous installment, “Casino Royale,” was arguably the best of the series, at the very least placing in the top three. Sometimes when I see a movie, especially one I’ve been anticipating seeing, it takes a while for me to fully form an opinion on it. That’s why I didn’t start saying how much I hated “The Matrix” until a few days later. “Quantum” wasn’t a film I hated, but it was definitely a huge disappointment.

Having drained the film of all that made the first one great, namely rich characterization, a plot that mattered to the viewer, and exceptionally astute writing, the follow-up was just an excuse to show us what a bad-ass James Bond is while providing so many frenetically paced action sequences the movie becomes monotonous. I actually feel asleep during the noisiest and supposedly most exciting scene in the film because there had been so many scenes like it my mind chose to shut down.

When I tried to tell Al how I felt, he kept changing the subject and trying to ignore me. Was he afraid that my views would influence his?

About a month and a half ago, my supervisor started raving about the Wil Ferrell movie, “Stepbrothers,” saying it was so funny she literally passed out laughing. According to her it was his funniest movie yet. I told her that was hard to believe. “Anchorman” is my favorite film of his, but he has made a few hilarious films, all of which had better plots than “Step-brothers.” She insisted it was the funniest and eventually brought me the DVD. I took it home and watched it. I laughed. A lot. But something was missing. It took a while to figure out what it was: The satire that made Ferrell’s other films instant classic wasn’t there. It had been replaced by a lot of yelling and foul language.

“Stepbrothers” is a funny movie, but “Anchorman” and “Talladega Night” it ain’t. When I told my supervisor how I felt via text, she bombarded me with insults so graphic I don’t even consider them appropriate for this offensive-ass blog.

That was it, I decided. From now on I’d just review films online with Green and keep my views to myself. If nobody wants to hear what I have to say when I don’t like something they like, they can guess from my silence how I feel.

This new philosophy was backed up the other day when I saw “Watchmen.” Alan Moore’s twelve-issue comic masterpiece has always been a favorite of fans and so well-received it actually transcended the genre and sold to non-fans as well. I read it almost twenty years ago and have reread it several times over the years. In all sincerity, I really couldn’t give less of a fuck what someone who never read it has to say about the filmed version. But that doesn’t seem to stop anyone.

I went and saw it alone because I’m the only person I know who would appreciate it. Apparently Al saw it with his nephew and couldn’t wait to tell me he thought it was “just ok.” I told him that meant I would love it since I actually know the story. He then asked me if I know how it ends. “Yes, dumb-ass, I read it!” I said. He decided to quiz me on the ending anyway.

As I was watching the film, Ed sent me a text message to tell me he’d seen it and also thought it was ok. I sent him a reply saying I am not accepting criticisms from people who didn’t read it. Some hours after I’d watched it, Al called me and asked me what I thought. I told him I loved it. He arrogantly said, “Really? You’re just saying that to upset me, aren’t you?”

Now that was the last straw. I said, “Yes, bitch, you caught me. My whole existence is wrapped up in trying to get a rise out of somebody who can’t understand why children’s movies are so popular. It’s not that I considered it a brilliantly faithful adaptation to a brilliant comic series, it’s because I wanted to upset you.” He then tried to repeat the reasons he thought it was just ok until I advised him I didn’t remember asking or giving a fuck.

Al then switched topics to the previews that were shown and asked me if I got wood during the “Star Trek” movie preview. No. I have an uncomfortable feeling about the film. Visually it looks great but the actor chosen to play young James T Kirk as a some James Dean type character is a huge turn-off. Shocked, he asked me what I thought of the new “Terminator” preview, to which I replied it looks “ok.” I was never a huge Terminator guy. I liked the first two but not to the point where I cared about there being more and as most of you know, I am no fan of Christian Bale’s.

I guess I took the wind out of his sails because at that point he switched to something far less controversial: Politics.

Apparently I’m not allowed to have opinions because they’re threatening. Making people think about why they think the things they do doesn’t sit well with the self-satisfied, and so I am marginalized whenever I do it...except here. So fuck ‘em. I’ll keep my opinions to myself and for the written word.