SCRIBE GRANTS INTERVIEW part 2

-Pete Petey Peterson, CMW (Corporate Media Whore)

Metro Detroit, MI.- Famous blogger and nipple ring wholesaler Scribe E. McScribevich announced last Wednesday that he had a plan to increase his declining readership, realign the stars and dismantle George W Bush’s Legacy Tour.

But first he had some choice words for, well, everybody that pisses him off.

“And another thing I can’t stand,” said Scribe. “Hip hop lingo that lingers on way past its expiration date. If I have to hear ‘That’s what’s up” one more goddam time, I’m going to rent a crane and start piling up baggy pants wearing imbeciles at the local dump!”

This is the kind of conversation one should expect from Scribe when he’s had five Coronas and a doober. He will literally go on for hours about how stupid everybody in the world is and what he would do if he ruled the world.

“First thing I’d do as world ruler would be to outlaw dictators. And if anybody didn’t like it, I’d make ‘em like it.”

It’s best not to point out the inherent flaws in such a statement or risk a hissy fit that eclipses anything thrown by a drunken Herve Villechaiz.

It isn’t unusual to lose track of the conversation with Scribe and start gazing around he room for assistance that will never come. Fortunately, he doesn’t seem to notice and will continue his tirades and diatribes until a good-looking woman walks by.

“…never really believed Dean Martin was a Russian spy, but how else do you explain that beautiful voice of…Whoa! Look at that!”

As the night wears on, it becomes increasingly obvious that the reason other media outlets didn’t accept his invitation to a press conference is because they value their sanity. An evening spent with Scribe is a trip into the type of random, stream of consciousness favored by beat poets in the 1950’s without the jazz accompaniment.

“Have I ever told you why I hate pants and cabinetry?” said Scribe.

A brief perusal of his blog posts reveals a frighteningly irrational fear of pants and cabinetry but the reasons for his aversion have never been fully explained. Several psychotherapists have analyzed Scribe, but none have reached a conclusive diagnosis. In fact, one therapist reportedly refused to continue her observation because she was afraid she’d start hemorrhaging.

That psychologist was Scribe’s mother.

“There were advantages and drawbacks to having a shrink for a mom,” said Scribe. “It gave me insight into the human mind most don’t have, but that’s not always a positive thing. In fact, it never is.”

This is the Scribe others have mentioned glimpsing between conspiracy theories involving the shower curtain liner industry and advocating for marmitt’s rights. This is the serious, brooding Scribe who occasionally posts material so depressing it makes his readers wan to slash their wrists.

“If I didn’t have writing, I would have nothing.”

For Scribe, blogging was more than a pleasant distraction. For that, he says he has midget ****.

“I was literally withdrawing from my environment,” said Scribe. “I was so depressed, with no end in sight and no real support system, I felt cut off and alone…I had some truly disturbing shit running around ion my head and you wanna know the most disturbing part? I knew I should be afraid but it didn’t bother me.”

Still, Scribe insists it wasn’t blogging that saved his life, it was reality TV.

“The only thing more reprehensible is a teen melodrama. The advent of reality TV was such an affront to me that it provided me with renewed purpose not to mention quite a stiffy, I don’t mind telling you!"

Trying to stop Scribe from discussing his various forms of arousal is a losing battle and so the next thirty minutes are devoted to this topic, ending with the bizarre non-sequitir, “And that’s why Mormons tend to be so nice.”

”I apologize if I’m all over the place,” Scribe said. “It’s just that normal conversation bores me if it doesn’t change every three seconds. Makes it really hard when you’re giving the eulogy at someone’s funeral. Sorry, Mom.”

Scribe’s irreverence and total lack of discipline is what has made him so popular among the ladies of the blogosphere. By his own admission, he has porked so many of them he could fill a guest book with their names. But lately he confesses the nookie well has all but dried up.

“I didn’t get into this thing for the incredible, non-stop sex but it sure has been a fringe benefit.”

Not all of his conquests agree with that assessment. A blogger who calls herself “lccb” is one of them.

“Oh, my God I TOTALLY hate him! He never called me back and he forced me to make breakfast the next morning. And I was all like, ‘Um, ‘SCUSE ME? I’m a feminist! The only thing I cook for a man is his own balls! What-EVERrrrrrr!”

Similarly, a blogger named “Bluez” because the name Blanche is too cool for the Internet, feels cheated by her sexperience with the Scribe.

“He thinks he’s all that and a welcome mat but just because he has enormous, well-shaed gentials doesn’t mean he knows how to use it! Ok, he does! I’m just bitter because he switched teams and started seeing Rudy instead!”

For his part, Rudy the HE said he doesn’t discuss his personal business except when he feels like it but he thinks it’s really cool that there’s a whistling sound when he sits down now.

Still, Scribe insisted he wouldn’t change anything in the realm of blogging. Each experience has taught him something, he said, citing the time he and blogger “Green” stole the president’s golf cart and started propositioning women by taking turns referring to themselves as the “sexective in briefs.”

On the subject of continuing to blog, Scribe replies with a gentle affirmative. “What am I gonna do, post on Myspace? I don’t love myself enough. And Facebook’s OK for networking but nobody wants to read about my obsession with mule rectums there.”

Scribe views Facebook as a refuge for useless soccer moms and people who like to believe everything they’re thinking at the moment is to be shared. Blogger, he insists by banging on his chest with his fists and throwing meat at our waiter, is the only pure form of expression available online. So what does he plan to do to get more comments?

“This,” he said. “What’choo thought?”

So, the interview he granted was a subtle ploy to get people to comment?

“Yep.”

Wow. It’s not exactly “Who Shot JR?” but a casual glance at the previous post shows it was moderately successful.

“Sometimes,” Scribe said, “You have to bring the people back.”

Only time will tell if they will stick around~