DOUCHE OF THE YEAR RUNNER-UP

Below is a cut & paste of the confirmed message sent to Senator John Wayne Gacy McPain to prove I ain't no bitch. Also, for Mr. Green-jeans, although my blog link wasn't included, my email addy was...same for Palin.

Enjoy:


Thank You!
Your comment has been submitted. You can review and print a copy of your message below.
Prefix:The Honorable
First Name:Scribe
Last Name:McScribevich
Address:21800 Haggerty Rd
City:Northville
State:MI
Zip:48167
Email:scribesorganizedchaos@yahoo.com
Subject:Not Listed

Message:
Dear Senator McCain, It is with sincere regret & compassion that I must advise you of your runner-up status in the Douche of the Year contest. Altough your hardwork in remaining oblivious to the will of the American people and your hopelessly dated references were extensive, you simply weren't Douche enough.

If it is any consolation, 2008's competition was fierce. In a normal year, your Douche-like behavior would have almost certainly distinguished you amongst other such former noteworthies as John Travolta, Dennis Miller and Kobe Bryant.

Sadly, there was an even bigger Douche than you in 2008.

Please don't take this as a negative, Douche the Second. Even reaching the level of Second Douche is a great accomplishment. To be included in the Douche pantheon at all is worthy of the title Douche. None shall ever take away what a Douche you were in 2008!

Sincerely,

Scribe E. McScribevich
President International Douche Coalition

(I wonder where the hell that address came from! On a different note, ever wanted to get back at a former employer?)

DOUCHE OF THE YEAR UPDATE

Governor Sara Palin, undisputed Winner of Douche of the Year, has been alerted to her status. Once she is able to get past the shock of having actually won, we should receive a reply from her folksyness.

Here is the award letter I sent:

Dear Governor Palin,

This letter is to inform you that you have been, as the result of a fair & democratic election, named Douche of the Year! Not to be confused with the far less reputable Douchebag of the Year, which is just plain cruel.

As an individual in the public eye, I am sure you are fully aware of the enormous amount of Douche competition out there. As 2008 was an election year, that competition was obviously stiffer than usual. Yet you still distinguished yourself along such past winners as Dan Quayle, OJ Simpson, Kevin Federline,and that guy that invented the Pet Rock. I hope you understand what an honor this award is. I had a trophy designed & everything!

Not everyone can be Douche of the Year. This most prestigious award goes only to those who truly exemplify the very essence of the Douche. To be a Douche is to be removed from the mass of humanity, to conduct oneself in the manner commensurate wth the Great Douches of the World. You are a Douche, Governor. A great, big, world-renowned Douche and you should be proud!

Sincerely and with all respect due to a Douche,
Scribe E. McScribevochPresident International Douche Coalition

Respond and receive an image of your trophy!!! You like bright, shiny things, don't you? Of course you do!

Now...

We wait...

DA SCRIBE AIN'T FORGOT!!!

The Douche of the Year notifications shall be emailed to the victors this week. Fee free to let the Grand prize winner know what you think of her, as well:

http://www.gov.state.ak.us/govmail.php

CALL OF THE WEEK:

(Bear with me; the true lunacy of this call is difficult to capture without sound)

SCRIBE: What can I do ya for, you wonderful customer you?
CUSTOMER: I need to know if I can get…well, I work in sales and I get more calls than you can…So, I’m in a meeting and I turn off my phone and when the meeting’s done I turn it on and I got ten messages and my mother died so I don’t wanna lose those…
SCRIBE: Oh, I’m sorry to hear your…
CUSTOMER: So I need more time ‘cause you don’t understand I got all these clients and they’re wondering what happened and…you know, I can’t get to the messages so don’t…but I need more….can you give me more time on my voicemail ‘cause those messages, they don’t stop and I got the one
SCRIBE: Well, let me…
CUSTOMER: about my mom and I can’t lose that one! But these clients they just keep leaving messages and I got another phone but for some reason they always wanna leave it on this one and…
SCRIBE: We do have an enhanced voicemail feature that gives you double the…
CUSTOMER: yeah, I know but I need the enhanced enhanced voicemail!
SCRIBE: oh, I apologize, I just realized you already have…
CUSTOMER: yeah, so I mean is there any way I can get more time? I have that other phone but nobody ever uses that and now I can’t find it but I don’t remember the voicemail password so I can’t…
SCRIBE: I can reset that for you.
CUSTOMER: You can???
SCRIBE: Sure. It’ll be a temporary password to get you back in.
CUSTOMER: OK but I can’t lose my messages. My mother is on there!
SCRIBE: You won’t. This will only give you access to what’s already…
CUSTOMER: Thank you ‘cause I get all these sales calls and I’m working four jobs so I’m up at six in the morning and I get all these calls and nobody uses the other phone they all use this one and I always get voicemail full voicemail full voicemail full so is there any way to get more
SCRIBE: Actually, the enhanced…
CUSTOMER: time on my voicemail ‘cause man I get so many calls you have no idea!!!
SCRIBE: Actuallytheenhancedvoicemail istheonlyotheroptionwehave! (Whew)
CUSTOMER: Oh, it is. OK. Can I get the number to the people that record your voicemails for you then?
SCRIBE: The voicemail archival company? Absolutely, give me one second to get their number for you. (This company saves voicemail messages on CD’s or cassette tapes for a fee)
CUSTOMER: So there’s no way for the company to give me more voicemail time?
SCRIBE: No, I’m sorry, but that’s all we have a…
CUSTOMER: You know ‘cause I’ve been such a good customer for so long maybe they could give me more time on my voicemail ‘cause I get clients calling me and leaving messages all the time and I’ve four different jobs and I’m in sales and
SCRIBE: It’s a network thing.
CUSTOMER: Oh…ok. What’s the number to that place?
SCRIBE: (Provide number and hours of operation, then the dreaded question) Was there anything else I could assist you with today?
CUSTOMER: I tell you man I have been so frustrated with this phone I’ve had eight of them I’ve never had a problem with a phone like this with you guys before but something must be wrong with this model ‘cause this newest one I put the battery in it and it FELL OUT! So I told the guy and he sent out another one but it still isn’t working so I sent all this equipment back and I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t charged ‘cause I couldn’t use any of it
CUSTOMER: Well, I'm sorry you…
SCRIBE: And then the other phone I need to replace because I lost it and I have insurance on that line so I know I can get a new one but this one has been so frustrating you have no idea I’ve had eight of them (she’s had five) & I just wanna make sure I wasn’t charged for that equipment
SCRIBE: Did you return it?
CUSTOMER: YEAH! I can’t use it so I sent it back a few weeks ago and I’m not paying for it ‘cause I couldn’t use it well I lost one of ‘em ‘cause it fell out of the back of the phone but I just wanna make sure I wasn’t
SCRIBE: …
CUSTOMER: charged ‘cause these phones have been so frustrating and I’ve had eight of them this has never happened before
SCRIBE: …
CUSTOMER: but I’m not paying for any of it ‘cause I couldn’t…OH!!!
SCRIBE: H-hello?
CUSTOMER: I gotta go! I’m having a heart attack! I gotta go!
SCRIBE: …
CUSTOMER: (click)


…

A BLOG IN SEARCH OF AN IDEA

In case you don’t know, I regularly contribute to a movie review blog with my fellow online junkie Green. The frequency of our posting is pretty sporadic but we mostly have fun when we get around to reviewing something. I say "mostly" because sometimes Green’s comments are cruel and unusual and, frankly, pretty mean-spirited, in stark contrast to my light & fluffy, join-hands-and-sing prose.

The blog was my idea. I’d noticed Green posting weekly reviews of films on his own blog and I had done so quite a few times as well. On mine, I mean, not his. If I wrote them on his blog, I’d only review chick flicks and act like they were just so scrumptious and fabulous! Oh, wait. He basically does that now. Let’s move on, then.

The original intent of the blog was to challenge each other with movies and post our reviews once the other person had suffered through whatever helliish selection they could locate at their local library. I still haven’t forgiven him for Disney’s “Brother Bear” but I inadvertently got him back with “Apocalypse Now,” a movie every real man loves but Mr. Jennifer Anniston Film Collection over there hated. Still haven’t forgiven him for that, either.

Now we are one post away from our fiftieth, a milestone of grand, epic proportions on a par with losing a tooth or pumping one’s first tank of gas. And naturally Green, being the meticulous organizer he is, noticed this and asked me what we should do. He’s big on anniversaries and it seems the right thing to do.

The commentors haven’t exactly shown up in droves, by the way. Perhaps it is as Green says and our infrequent posting is the reason. Or perhaps Bluez is right when she criticizes out choices by saying we need to review newer films; advice I have heeded, by the way, as you will see in the coming months when I suggest a film. We’re hoping readership increases this year. There is no worse feeling to me than singing for an audience only to find out you’re doped up and strapped down in the county nuthouse, pissing into a tube and seeing naked Hobbits hanging from your ceiling. I’m sure Green can relate. I’m sure all of you can.

So, the idea factory is stumped. What should we do? Should we review something special? Should we do some type of recap post? Should we write essays on some topic in lieu of a film review? Or maybe there’s something neither of us has thought of…

Vultures, what do you think?

ANGRY MUSLIM PROTESTORS TAKE TO THE STREETS...OF MICHIGAN!!!

Saturday January 3, at about three o’clock we noticed a flag waving in the distance. It was decorated with green and white and what looked to be orange, a solitary figure holding it still as high winds whipped it around with a patriotic fervor. Police cars blocked off the main access points of the intersection of Fifteen Mile Rd. & Orchard Lake Road In West Bloomfield, a prominent and wealthy area inhabited by a rather large number of both Jews & Arabs.

“Uh-oh,” the driver of the vehicle I was in said. “That’s the Palestinian flag.”

Thus began a protest that we thought consisted of a handful of angry people rightly upset about the fact that their people were caught between a militant Israeli government and a demented militant faction of Islam.

“This is going to get ugly,” she said.

She’d know. She grew up there. She still remembers times when her high school was shut down and the students sent home because teenage Jews & Arabs brought guns to school to continue their blood-feud in a new land. The fact that they’ve lived together in relative peace for all these years is astounding and, no doubt, testament to the American dream and system of laws than anything else.

Still, one guy holding a huge flag and a few stragglers in traditional garb does not an “incident” make, and so we continued onward to our destination. Two hours later, everything had blown up…figuratively speaking, of course.

Coming from the opposite direction, we could see a line of protestors that was so long and thick, the businesses behind them were nearly invisible from the road. Police cars covered all four access points as yellow-clad officers directed traffic in chaotic fashion. Many vehicles didn’t seem to want to follow directions, however, as they bolted through the intersections despite the whistle-blowing and wild gesticulating of hands.

As we reached the stop light on the other side of the street, the signs the protestors carried became visible. Most of them criticized Israel’s bombing of their countrymen, mentioning the fact that the Israelis have targeted hospitals and not allowed medical relief. But the signs that really caught our attention were the ones that said “Nazi” on them. A curious choice until one got a closer look and saw the word was surrounded by the Star of David.

“Oh, shit” she said. “They’re actually trying to provoke a response from them.”

I nodded. “But, you know, they do have a valid point. They do act like Nazis at times.”

She called her brother and her mom to tell them what was happening. Shockingly her mom said, “Well, we’ve been forced to listen to one viewpoint for years. Maybe it’s time to hear a different one.”

Wow! That’s goin’ in the “Dear Diary” list! But she’s right. They do have the right to protest and they certainly have the right to make statements of such a controversial nature.

Some protestors shouted into megaphones as we drove past, their words carried away by the wind and obscured by the honking of horns and other traffic noise.

Again, we went on to our destination, a simple errand to return library items. Neither of us could resist going back for another look.

Traffic still moved at a tortoise’s pace, but something new had been added to the scene. A chopper flew low overheard, looking very military, as it shone a spotlight down on the area, circling over and over. There were even more cops now, some on foot, and most in cars.

The driver of my vehicle rolled down her window and addressed a middle-age black couple, thinking they would be the safest bet in this crazy-ass town of ancient blood feuds and rivalries. When she told them who was protesting, the man behind the wheel’s eyes got huge and he made the “O” face that isn’t based on pleasure.

When she rolled the window back up, I said, “How do you know they weren’t Muslims?”

Her facial expression was priceless. As we pulled up, we fully expected to get an earful of angry protestors.

But they were gone, dispersed, no longer protesting. That didn’t stop the chopper from circling or the cops from cordoning off the area for a few minutes longer.

The yellow-clad officers still directed traffic, but as we reached the stoplight, we saw that the protestors were gone.

At first, we thought they might be marching further down Fifteen Mile, not a good thought considering the huge synagogue down there. Then we thought maybe they went in the opposite direction, where the Jewish Community Center is located. Either way, the scenario was pretty scary.

A local news van showed up to interview some of the officers. Good old channel four, the only one that ever seems to notice local events on the weekend, even though they were late to the party.

By the time we’d turned around and started heading back, the cops had lifted the blocks and normal traffic was allowed to flow through. We went to a nearby restaurant where both groups sat in silence, eating. There was stillness in the air, especially on the part of the Jews in the room.

Michigan has the largest population of Arabs in the United States. If anything were going to happen on a street level, this would probably be the first place to experience it. What’s equally scary is how militant a lot of this country’s Jews have become in recent years. There’s a Middle-Eastern powder keg waiting to erupt in this country and much of it is out fault.

For years this country has made its allegiances clear. It was even instrumental in creating the Jewish state following Word War II, despite the fact that land was occupied. Where once we were a neutral nation, we have now become a constant tampering presence whose self-interests outweigh any ideology. That can only have one result, and we are looking at it right now.

That’s not to say we should condone the actions of the other side, far from it. Dangerous, violent fanatics are never acceptable. But before we start condemning an entire group of people for their actions and their mentality, maybe we should step back and take closer look at the ones we support without question.

We might be shocked at the amount of similarities we see~















(Click on the pic to enlarge it & read the sign)




***A VERY IMPORTANT POST FROM A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON***
http://justbecause81.wordpress.com/2009/01/03/talking/

SHIT THAT NEEDS TO GO FOR THE '09

I did one of these lists years ago and waited to see if my powers of predictiveness were still as acute as my powers of only bathing once a week. Or perhaps I should say my powers of stench resulting from only bathing once a week. To my delight, most of the things I listed either went away or were reduced to negligible numbers. So, with a new dawn on its way and a semblance of sanity restored to my homeland, I submit unto thee a new list so that we may all live in peace, harmony, and Jell-O.

Yo, check it sucka:

“LITTLE GUY”- Here’s an annoying phrase that has seeped under the cracks of our common sense like raw sewage. It is now even in the advertising. Soccer moms referring to their sons as their “little guy.” As absurdly cultish as this sounds, it’s even worse when you consider that half these “little guys” are old enough to shave. Why are these stupid, stupid women acting like nearly grown men still need them the way they did when they were five? What do they need? Help putting on their condoms??

REALITY TV- Seriously, it’s time. This sub-genre has begun cannibalizing itself to a disturbing degree. How much artificiality do we need crammed down our throats before we wake up and realize there’s no art or substance or entertainment value to publicity hungry morons competing to become the next “whatever happened to” story?

FOX “NEWS”- The greatest misnomer in the history of American journalism, the very idea that the Fox network delivers anything more than pro- neo-con propaganda is hilariously absurd. This is the same network that circulated internal memos advising reporters to find ways of discrediting prominent Democrats and soft selling the War in Iraq. Don’ believe me? I’ve seen them. Watch the film “Outfoxed.” Any channel that features Bill O’Reilley’s tabloid TV ass as an objective source of “No-spin” is already lacking in any credibility. Ratings are down and pundits are befuddled by Obama's choices. This is a good time to let them fade away.

STALKERS- I know there will always be those sick, twisted individuals that can’t help but stalk me and every other diva out there. But thanks to the Internet, more people are stalking than ever before. What’s wrong with people? It’s not worth it. It’s pathetic and just stupid. Cut it out. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go…Eva Mendes is about to go the bathroom and I don’t wanna miss that from my car!

REVERSE-SEXISM- I’m always hearing about reverse-racism, but nobody ever mentions this. For years now it has been socially acceptable for women to say whatever the hell they want about men and we are supposed to grin and shrug and shuffle along as if we somehow deserve it. Well, fucks dat! In order for any true healing to begin, open dialogue is a necessity. We can’t just allow the cavernous mouthed harpies on “The View” to spew anti-male diatribes unless it’s also cool to allow Howard Stern and Tom Leykus to do so about women. You can’t complain about unequal treatment and then enforce a double standard, unless you want the inevitable backlash. I am that backlash! Kneel before Zod! Only the hot ones, only the hot ones!!!

MOLLY CYRUS & THE ENTIRE DISNEY TEEN POP PHENOMENON- Just when you thought it was safe to turn on your radio or TV, the evil legacy of the New Kids on the Block and Menudo spawns yet another in a long line of monstrous teen pop celebrities. Now Disney has cornered the market and man are they good at it. By consolidating the media through TV movies and music, they have effectively created an unstoppable juggernaut of crap. On the surface, the males tend to be good role models like the virginal Jonas Brothers, while the girls tend to be utter ho-bags. Oh, and then there’s the music, which people tend to overlook due to all the other stuff. Of course kids are going to like catchy, simplistic tunes. But the message being imparted here, that marginal talent pays off and quality is immaterial, is far too dangerous to be tolerated in large quantities.

REPUBLICANS & THEIR MOUTHPIECES- if the elections of 2006 & 2008 have taught us nothing, and they haven’t but shut up let me make my stupid point, it is that the politics of exclusion and marginalization are becoming increasingly irrelevant. With the discrediting of the utopian trickle down economics theory and the exposure of the Republican Party as a schill for big corporations, Americans are starting to see the beast for what it is. Loudmouth jokes like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, desperately trying to remain relevant, merely reinforce the point that these people live in a dream world nobody with any common sense wants to experience. I am all for a multi-party system, so perhaps if we end the domination of the GOP, others will emerge to take their place. Sure! Why not? Let me just sew peace in the Middle East and feed the staving poor of Africa first. Be back in about 30 minutes!

2 PEOPLE/ONE NAME- I started with Ben Affleck’s relationships. both referred to as “Bennifer.” Now we’ve got “Brangelina.” But strangely Ashton Kutcher & Demi Moore are not “Dashton,” which sounds much cooler. This consolidating of human beings into mindless units is disgusting to me. But if it must be done, it should be consistent. Let’s rename famous couples throughout history. Caesar & Cleopatra are now “Caesapatra.” Abraham & Mary Lincoln are now “Mabraham.” Franklin & Eleanor Roosevelt are not “Frelanor.” Rome & Juliet are now “Romeiet.” Hey, this is kinda fun! I might need to reevaluate this one!

EMPLOYER BACKGROUND CREDIT CHECKS & INTERNET SEARCHES- The rock band Midnight Oil sang it best when they said, “Corporations have more rights than people.” What bearing does a person’s credit history have on their work performance? Someone could be terrible at finances but excel at the position for which they’re applying. It shouldn’t even be legal for an employer to look into someone’s credit history. As far as searching the Internet goes, apparently blogs and other similar sites can be used against people when being considered for jobs as well. Basically, not being good with money and having opinions is a detriment to being a god corporate citizen. I guess that’s why I call myself Scribe…on this blog anyway.

SOCCER MOMS- It’s been said a species can smell its own extinction, but what about sub-species’? Our economy is in the toilet, people are refraining from spending money in record numbers unseen since the Great Depression, yet these dinosaurs still stroll around in gigantic SUV’s and act as if everything is the same, partying like it’s 1996. Sometimes stupid people need to be told it’s time to wake up. It’s up to us.

QUASI-CELEBRITY BOOK DEALS- I resude to believe serious readers are the ones buying these so-called "books" featuring fucked-up weirdoes that are the flavor of the moment. Serious readers would never fall for the obvious shell game of these vapor clouds passing off the work fo some underpaid, unethical ghost writer as their own. Perhaps at one time those that are famous just for being famous had interesting stories to tell, but those days are over. Paris Hilton and the equally loathsome Tila Tequila have nothing relevant to say about anything.

MUSLIM EXTREMISM- Look I know it’s all the rage these days to strap on dynamite and walk into a crowded restaurant to take out the infidel. Drives the women wild and really makes the family proud. But let’s take away the glitz and glamour of blowing yourself to pieces in impotent protest. What kind of weak god needs you to blow yourself up to get back at his enemies? Why would a loving and compassionate god ask you to die killing men women and children who aren’t trying to kill you? How pathetic is it that your faith is so lacking you must buy your way into paradise with an explosion and unnecessary deaths? I think you’ll find that there are other activities that are even cooler like grinding puppies into sausage meat. That’s what Republicans do.

THE SOUTHERN UNITED STATES- Even the Western states woke up this past November and realized it was time to stop thinking like some antiquated relic. Not so the south, I’m afraid. They continue to be the home of ridiculous Bible belt theology and outdated politics of division and hatred. We should have let them split off during the Civil War, but stupid England was planning to use that as staging ground to retake the North. Things are different now. We are two very different countries shoring a name and it just isn’t working. Let the South go. It’s time.

VIDEO GAMERS- How I hate them. Smug, self-righteous dorks that have somehow succeeded in turning dorky behavior into something hip and cool. Maybe it’s the realistic violence or the fact that the current generations hates leaving their houses unless there’s food involved. Who knows? The sub-culture that has built up around gaming, especially the online variety, is repugnant to me and it needs to stop too.

STARBUCKS COFFEE- I have this theory, so bear with me: I think the so-called “coffee” served at Starbucks is actually a combination of raw sewage (second mention) and industrial waste by-product. That’s the only explanation for why it’s impossible to sweeten or lighten! Women especially seem fond of the bitter, dehydrating substance Starbucks passes off as coffee. And the weird part is how those who love the place will defend it unto death, even when I name five places off the top of my head that have better coffee…make that actual coffee. It’s a good company, though. Notice I said Starbucks Coffee, not Starbucks Corporation. Maybe they should start serving Dunkin Donuts or Tim Horton’s coffee.

80’S “RETRO” FASHIONS- Remember the Where’s Waldo books and those god-awful shirts he wore? They’re back and on the backs of emo kids and other wimpy children with hair they have to flip out of their faces and jeans that look like they’re wearing them to impress their boyfriends. These were fashion faux pas, kids! That’s why they went out of style.

TV SPIN-OFFS OF SPIN-OFFS- So the other day, completely out of character, I decided to watch Law & Order. Two days later, still in the same clothes and ripening more and more by the second, I wondered the bloody fuck this episode would end so I could go on with my life. Then I started wondering why the actors, unlike me, had changed clothes so many times and why their hairstyles were so different. Then I realized I wasn’t watching the same episode of Law & Order. In fact, I wasn’t even watching the same Law & Order! This was one of the 80,000 spin-offs! I got up, showered, shaved, and decided to unwind by watching CSI, another show I don’t like. A week later I couldn’t figure out why the main guy went from fat to having hair like a rooster to having eyes that bulged out of their sockets. I wrote to my congressman and he told me…more spin-offs!!! I can’t believe the stunning lack of originality on TV these days! It’s worse than the mid to late Seventies! I need to relax. Maybe I’ll watch a little Star Trek…hey, when did Sulu become black! When did Kirk become female? Is this a Quantum Leap episode? What’s Scott Bakula doing here? AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

WORKPLACE RULES AGAINST PUBLIC SCREWING- This is what outrages me most. If it isn't affecting my work performance and it's in my job description as a part of corporate America to fuck somebody over, what's the harm? So I ocassionally grab a comely co-worker and bend her over my desk...it's not like I'm not on break!!! Fucking prudes! I know what this is really about. The sight of my mammoth genetalia is the reason all my male co-workers have been calling off work so much. Poor bastards. Maybe if I shift to the left so the passers-by can't see me...no, then it'll just cast a huge penile shadow. This injustice must be reversed! May it happen in 2009!!!


Let me know if you're interested in a list of things we need to return and I'll grab a microscope & a flashlight to search the dank confines of my arse until I dig something up~

Happy New Year, bitches!