Pardon me whilst a bust a quick, out of my ass but appropriate rap: (Ahem)
So yeah muthafukas it’s 2010
And my whole punk-ass life done started over again!
Ain’t shit worked back in 2009
But now all my shit is on the decline!
I ain’t nothin’ but a joke and ya’ll know that’s real
Been fucked so many times in da ass I can’t even feel
It don’t matter anymore thought ain’t nobody gonna care
When I get me a gun and blow my fuckin’ brains through the air!!!
Bitch...
Thank you for indulging me. This particular rant may be a return to form for those of you have been reading me over the years, but it’s a return to Job’s dung heap as far I’m concerned. Back in 2006 I thought I’d finally done it. After six years of suffering shitty jobs and constant humiliation from insecure intellectual inferiors (alliteration rules) I though I’d finally found a home at the job I held for the next three and a half years.
Sure, it wasn’t my ideal job but it paid the bills for the most part and it offered good benefits...some of those benefits came in the form of my favorite female body part, nice, round asses of the juicy variety. I looked but never touched. I am not a louse or a cockhound, at least not when I take my job seriously and don’t want to fuck it up with stupid behavior.
Now that I have lost said job (see my end of the year post) I have found myself once again adrift in that wasteland of bad economic times and a perverse willingness to accept any decent paying job that comes along. Apparently my resume has become much more impressive, as what might have taken me months before took 24 hours this time. I updated my resume on www.jobfinder.com and within a day had already received a call for an interview with a place that pays pretty much the same and offers similar benefits, albeit later than the last job offered them.
Still in shock from my termination, I gave what was probably the best interview I’ve ever given. I answered all the questions correctly, said exactly what an employer wants to hear, and aced the online tests. Getting a kid to piss in a plastic bag for me so I could pass the drug test was no problem! I’m kidding. I flirted with the lab tech and used hers. I am nothing if not ethical!
I got the job obviously and although it bears some resemblance to my previous occupation, it is also different in some significant ways. For one thing, there’s heavy lifting involved. What do I mean by heavy, you ax? Well, on my first day of training I assisted one of the guys with the delivery of an entire living room and dinette set up treacherous stairs through an apartment corridor with a door that refused to stay open. It has been years since lifted anything heavier than a busty woman’s jugs and my back paid the price. Today was my second day and since there were no deliveries to be made, I sat in front of a computer for ten hours and took online trainings.
At this point, you’re probably wondering what I do now. If not, how about you go have a seat and put your head back so I can squat over you and provide my own special sauce to your hairline!!!??? Don’t fuck with me this day! I am PISSED as HELL!!!!
I work for a company that does the rent-to-own thing. For those of you of decent backgrounds who are most likely educated, I will dumb it down a shade and provide my working daffynition of the concept...
Rent-to-Own- A service provided to truly fucked up people living in trailer parks or in the ‘hood who have shitty credit, no cash and might just decide to keep the shit they’re renting, thereby forcing said company to sue them.
My title is “Customer Account Representative.” Being in Michigan, I was lucky as hell to get this job, so of course I’m still looking around for something else. The bestest part of all, dear sweet supple and lickable vultures, is the award-winning staff with whom I now find myself connected.
There’s the young and ambitious assistant manager whose every other word is peppered with such delights as “Muhfucker” and “Fuck” and “Fucking asshole” and “What the fuck” and “Fuck that shit” and “Who the fuck” well, you get the point. Then there’s the fifty-something black man who apparently once played pro-football but is happy working as a Customer Account Rep??? Then there’s a really nice guy who I think has Muscular Dystrophy and a body stench that announces its presence a full minute before he enters the room. He even warned everyone to avoid the restroom after he left it....as if the odor didn’t simply follow his smelly ass into the showroom!
To remind myself that I wasn’t in Kansas anymore, or in this case my beloved yet hated Metro Detroit, I decided to watch the news with these guys on the LCD TV facing the counter since the store was so dead today. A story came on about an elderly Japanese man who had been present for the bombing of Hiroshima only to evacuate to Nagasaki just as that bomb was dropped there.
Not only was I the only to react to the word “Nagasaki” until the news anchor mentioned that it had been attacked, but when the story described what the old man had seen as a boy, I made the mistake of opening my mouth for a second. What I was going to say was that there had actually been tales of skin being blown off bodies that were turned to ash, yet the skin survived and grew on the walls of buildings. Before I could get that far, however, the ex-football player said, “Well, it coulda been avoided.”
Wow, I thunk. That’s a pretty enlightened viewpoint for a place like this and hey, the guy with MS is agreeing with him. Yep, it could have been avoided. Absolutely! Good show, mofos!
“Yep,” MS guy said. “If they hadn’t bombed Pearl Harbor.”
“Yep,” Ex-jock replied. “At that point we had the right to bomb them into the ground.”
This was followed by amused and knowing chuckles. I might have joined in, except these dumb-fucks and their pathetic lack of knowledge numbed my mouth. It was as if 1945 had returned and people still couldn’t see the big picture. They probably had no idea that the United States had basically made a deal with defecting Nazi scientists in exchange for the atomic bomb program Germany had nearly completed and that Japan was a convenient and close in proximity example for the Russians not to go getting all uppity about territorial disputes at the close of the war.
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck shit piss ass cunt dick bitch damn hell bastard son of a mutherfucking ass-reaming ball biting boner cracking piece of dogshit!!!!!
Why did I ever think things would work out in a positive direction?
So yeah muthafukas it’s 2010
And my whole punk-ass life done started over again!
Ain’t shit worked back in 2009
But now all my shit is on the decline!
I ain’t nothin’ but a joke and ya’ll know that’s real
Been fucked so many times in da ass I can’t even feel
It don’t matter anymore thought ain’t nobody gonna care
When I get me a gun and blow my fuckin’ brains through the air!!!
Bitch...
Thank you for indulging me. This particular rant may be a return to form for those of you have been reading me over the years, but it’s a return to Job’s dung heap as far I’m concerned. Back in 2006 I thought I’d finally done it. After six years of suffering shitty jobs and constant humiliation from insecure intellectual inferiors (alliteration rules) I though I’d finally found a home at the job I held for the next three and a half years.
Sure, it wasn’t my ideal job but it paid the bills for the most part and it offered good benefits...some of those benefits came in the form of my favorite female body part, nice, round asses of the juicy variety. I looked but never touched. I am not a louse or a cockhound, at least not when I take my job seriously and don’t want to fuck it up with stupid behavior.
Now that I have lost said job (see my end of the year post) I have found myself once again adrift in that wasteland of bad economic times and a perverse willingness to accept any decent paying job that comes along. Apparently my resume has become much more impressive, as what might have taken me months before took 24 hours this time. I updated my resume on www.jobfinder.com and within a day had already received a call for an interview with a place that pays pretty much the same and offers similar benefits, albeit later than the last job offered them.
Still in shock from my termination, I gave what was probably the best interview I’ve ever given. I answered all the questions correctly, said exactly what an employer wants to hear, and aced the online tests. Getting a kid to piss in a plastic bag for me so I could pass the drug test was no problem! I’m kidding. I flirted with the lab tech and used hers. I am nothing if not ethical!
I got the job obviously and although it bears some resemblance to my previous occupation, it is also different in some significant ways. For one thing, there’s heavy lifting involved. What do I mean by heavy, you ax? Well, on my first day of training I assisted one of the guys with the delivery of an entire living room and dinette set up treacherous stairs through an apartment corridor with a door that refused to stay open. It has been years since lifted anything heavier than a busty woman’s jugs and my back paid the price. Today was my second day and since there were no deliveries to be made, I sat in front of a computer for ten hours and took online trainings.
At this point, you’re probably wondering what I do now. If not, how about you go have a seat and put your head back so I can squat over you and provide my own special sauce to your hairline!!!??? Don’t fuck with me this day! I am PISSED as HELL!!!!
I work for a company that does the rent-to-own thing. For those of you of decent backgrounds who are most likely educated, I will dumb it down a shade and provide my working daffynition of the concept...
Rent-to-Own- A service provided to truly fucked up people living in trailer parks or in the ‘hood who have shitty credit, no cash and might just decide to keep the shit they’re renting, thereby forcing said company to sue them.
My title is “Customer Account Representative.” Being in Michigan, I was lucky as hell to get this job, so of course I’m still looking around for something else. The bestest part of all, dear sweet supple and lickable vultures, is the award-winning staff with whom I now find myself connected.
There’s the young and ambitious assistant manager whose every other word is peppered with such delights as “Muhfucker” and “Fuck” and “Fucking asshole” and “What the fuck” and “Fuck that shit” and “Who the fuck” well, you get the point. Then there’s the fifty-something black man who apparently once played pro-football but is happy working as a Customer Account Rep??? Then there’s a really nice guy who I think has Muscular Dystrophy and a body stench that announces its presence a full minute before he enters the room. He even warned everyone to avoid the restroom after he left it....as if the odor didn’t simply follow his smelly ass into the showroom!
To remind myself that I wasn’t in Kansas anymore, or in this case my beloved yet hated Metro Detroit, I decided to watch the news with these guys on the LCD TV facing the counter since the store was so dead today. A story came on about an elderly Japanese man who had been present for the bombing of Hiroshima only to evacuate to Nagasaki just as that bomb was dropped there.
Not only was I the only to react to the word “Nagasaki” until the news anchor mentioned that it had been attacked, but when the story described what the old man had seen as a boy, I made the mistake of opening my mouth for a second. What I was going to say was that there had actually been tales of skin being blown off bodies that were turned to ash, yet the skin survived and grew on the walls of buildings. Before I could get that far, however, the ex-football player said, “Well, it coulda been avoided.”
Wow, I thunk. That’s a pretty enlightened viewpoint for a place like this and hey, the guy with MS is agreeing with him. Yep, it could have been avoided. Absolutely! Good show, mofos!
“Yep,” MS guy said. “If they hadn’t bombed Pearl Harbor.”
“Yep,” Ex-jock replied. “At that point we had the right to bomb them into the ground.”
This was followed by amused and knowing chuckles. I might have joined in, except these dumb-fucks and their pathetic lack of knowledge numbed my mouth. It was as if 1945 had returned and people still couldn’t see the big picture. They probably had no idea that the United States had basically made a deal with defecting Nazi scientists in exchange for the atomic bomb program Germany had nearly completed and that Japan was a convenient and close in proximity example for the Russians not to go getting all uppity about territorial disputes at the close of the war.
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck shit piss ass cunt dick bitch damn hell bastard son of a mutherfucking ass-reaming ball biting boner cracking piece of dogshit!!!!!
Why did I ever think things would work out in a positive direction?
9 comments:
there must be other cellular companies that you could apply to work at that have offices in the Deee-troit area
Don't you qualify for unemployment benefits in Michigan since you were fired? Can't (former EFB) pick up the slack for you in meeting the bills while you search for something better? Here in MA unemployment benefits are a fraction of your previous salary.
PS I had a similar thing happen to me in July 2009, lost my job because department expectations were so unreasonable that I could not meet them.
Have you considered selling your house outright (or have former EFB buy your half) and relocating to an area not hit so hard by the recession, where cost of living is less? Maybe rent instead of owning for a while?
so many questions!
but no answers...
Your new job sounds awesome. Makes me glad I can't understand 80% of what the people around me say at work.
LOL!!! I guess that's a positive. Actually, day three wasn't so bad.
WTF I've tried twice to comment!!
oh sure THAT comment posted! I'm too tired to comment anymore. I'll try again tomorrow but I want you to know I love the mechanical pencils at my new place of employment and the fact I don't have to face a manic psycho bitch for a boss anymore.
yeah? wait till you see the Rant the Third! Now I've been transferred to a bigger shithole!
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