***DUDE UPDATE***

As I mentioned previously, I like to wait a while before posting Dude updates because that way I can compile all the information into one grand slam post. This time I am confident you’ll agree it was worth the wait:

Since the Aussie pig arrived, Dude has been bitter about the fact that his Internet dream girl turned out to be an old-looking, sloppy, shapeless mess. Understandable. But she was either oblivious or unconcerned as far as his revulsion went and proceeded to carve out a niche for herself in Dude’s life. She cooked gourmet meals, befriended his female family members and paid some of his bills.

Now, before you go getting’ all self-righteous, that was the arrangement they made. The whole purpose of her coming to the U.S. was to not only become his woman but also to help out financially. They were also supposed to get married…sight unseen. Her contention was that if they were going to take this huge step involving at least one of them leaving their country for the other, marriage had to be a distinct possibility. I imagine him holding the phone in one hand, his **** in the other while looking at the pictures she’d sent him claiming they were her and saying, “OK!”

Dude can’t get past the fact that she lied about her appearance. As he put it, “What you guys saw in clothes was nothing. It doesn’t even come close to how she looks naked!" After the initial lovemaking ran its course, Dude refused to do anything with her up to and including cuddling. Within the space of a few weeks, they’ve become like two roommates.

He comes home to a woman he finds physically repulsive watching reality TV shows he finds equally disgusting. He goes into his bedroom and watches TV while she stays in the guest bedroom because his snoring keeps her awake. During a fight, she went on his computer and removed all images of her from his C-Drive. Hmm, it’s almost as if she’s erasing any history of her lies so that she has a better case for herself if he tries to make her leave and involves the law.

Here’s where Dude fucked up. He pledged the possibility of marriage to a woman he’d only met through long-distance means. He believed the photos she sent him were her. He did no research on this woman before she arrived, choosing to trust every word out of her mouth. He set it up so that she would be staying with him for 90 days and did not make her sleep in a different room when she arrived because he saw them as being in a relationship. They did the dirt deed her fist there not once but several gut-wrenching times. He allowed her to meet his family within a week of her arrival, providing plenty of opportunity for her to schmooze his female relatives who now love her. And he let her pay bills, probably with a credit card that shows a history of payment.

She’s no idiot. She knows exactly what she’s doing and Dude’s mom and sister must be the biggest tools since…well, since him! He took her with him to Northern Michigan so she could meet everybody at his family reunion a week after she got here. She has gone out with his mom and sister to hair appointments and to get their nails done, not to mention shopping. She’s such a contrast to his wife (still not technically his ex) that they are over-compensating for the fact that she is able to talk and function in social situations. They love her so much that they have tried to convince Dude to make it work as long as he can get her to admit she lied about how she looks. His dad, the lone voice in the wilderness, says no way in Hell. But his dad is weak-willed and she is working on his new wife who despises Dude but loves her.

Dude ain’t havin’ it. Not only is he furious over her lies, he knows he will never find her attractive no matter how well they get long. He doesn’t think he should be forced to settle…I guess he has a lot to offer. Besides, there’s this really hot chick in Canada who just became interested in him. He knows she’s hot ‘cause she sent him pictures of herself.

So, the other day Dude decided it was time to take a stand. He told the Aussie he didn’t want a relationship with her and was still angry because of how she’d misrepresented herself. They got into a screaming fight over this where she repeated, “I’ve done nothing wrong” so many times it started to freak him out. I can see why. She either really doesn’t believe she looks that radically different from the pictures or she doesn’t care because she had now set up a nest and nothing is going to change that. Either way, she insisted she wasn’t going anymore.

Dude has finally decided to heed EFB’s advice from months ago and advertise for a paying roommate. Sadly, he can’t do that with her occupying his guest room. Like his wife before her, the Aussie spends all day in that room sulking. Unlike his wife, she spends a lot of time hanging with his mom and sister and winning them over. But it’s not all about sadness. She too is taking a stand. She told him she’s not leaving.

She also told him she’s not paying the speeding ticket she got up north when she was driving his vehicle on her permit. According to her, it’s too expensive once she does the exchange rate on the money. Besides, she is running low on funds thanks to all the grocery buying she’s done. “That’s because you always wanna cook gourmet meals!”

Oh, didn’t I tell you? She invited the mom and sister over and made them a gourmet meal. And he allowed this why? Would you have done the same? I wouldn’t have. Shit, EFB felt uncomfortable getting milk out of my refrigerator for months and she met my family for the first time at my aunt’s funeral! And we had actually met in person! Yes, I’m an asshole but I play it safe in this increasingly dangerous world.

Dude’s a wus. He’s letting this domineering, troll-like marsupial run roughshod over his ***. He is arguing with her and telling her no way but he’s not bringing the hammer down so she still thinks they can work it out. To be fair, we can’t blame her. This is a person’s life we’re discussing here and Dude’s only reason for not wanting to be with her is the way she looks…oh, and she lied about it. At what point does righteous indignation became superficiality?

Still, there’s a functional component here. Dude needs money and a paying tenant would help out immensely. She is potentially stopping that from happening. Now Dude has an ad on the bulletin board at the college where he works that might not be worth posting and he’s trapped in an awkward situation, angry because she won’t talk to him yet this is what he was aiming for the whole time.

On a personal note, I wish some human pile of hog-slop would tell me she wasn’t leaving my house! Imagine the unmitigated gall, the temerity, the…other shitI can’t summon words for at the moment! I’d be all like, “No, you di’iiinnnnttttt!” It would take all my self-control to keep Thunder & Lighting holstered in my pockets! Lets do what I know you people love to see me do most…ROLEPLAY SCENARIO TIIIMMMMEEEEE!!!

She: I did nothing wrong, mate! Get outta me way so I can throw another shrimp on the Barbie!
Me: What do you mean you did nothing wrong? You sent me pictures of someone with a hot body and you showed up lookin’ like you ate her!
She: I did nothing wrong! G’day!
Me: G’day? Bitch, you won’t be seeing a good day until you return to the land of kangaroos!
She: I’m not going anywhere! We can work this out!
Me: Indeed? Make sure you tell the hotel manager that when he asks you for a credit card ‘cause you outta heah!!!

Or, you know, words to that effect. Stay tuned, dearest vultures. They still have about two months to go and he’s planning to take a trip to Canada to meet the other chick within the week!

Isn’t this just the bestiest???