CALL OF THE WEEK

All you need to know to read this one is that the male customer in this little real-life scenario spoke in a high-pitched, whiney, singsong tone that was at once hickish and condescending. Enjoy, since I sure as hell didn’t:

SCRIBE: What can I do ya for?
CUSTOMER: I wanna cancel this line! (Laughing)
SCRIBE: Well, I’m sorry to hear you’re looking to cancel but I’ll be happy to assist you. Can you confirm the phone number for me please? (Provides number) Oh, I apologize but I don’t see you authorized on that account. Is the account holder available?
CUSTOMER: That’s me! I pay the bills!
SCRIBE: Actually, I’m looking at a different name on the account. Is that person available?
CUSTOMER: NO!
SCRIBE: I am sorry but I can’t make any changes to the account without that person’s consent.
CUSTOMER: But I pay the bills!
SCRIBE: I understand but you aren’t the named account holder and that person didn’t authorize you to discuss it so you don’t currently have the ability to make any changes…
CUSTOMER: I don’t wanna make no changes! I wanna cancel it!
SCRIBE: …canceling is considered a change because, well, you know, it would no longer be active and stuff.
CUSTOMER: This is bullshit! How am I supposed to stop getting billed for this line?
SCRIBE: We just need to speak with the account holder. You’re saying there’s no way to get a hold of…
CUSTOMER: He ain’t here!!!
SCRIBE: He doesn’t have to physically be there, is there any way I can give him a call real quick? (At this point, gods forgive me, I’m actually hoping he will say the account holder is deceased so I can cancel and get him off the phone)
CUSTOMER: NO!
SCRIBE: Okay, well in that case I do apologize but without speaking to him, I can’t cancel out any account in his name.
CUSTOMER: Well, I ain’t gonna pay the bill no more! How’s that?
SCRIBE: That’s entirely up to you. It would affect the account holder, not you.
CUSTOMER: I want to cancel! You’re telling me (company) is gonna keep billing me?
SCRIBE: Well, we’re not actually billing you. We’re billing…
CUSTOMER: I pay the bills!!!
SCRIBE: Right, but that’s something that was arranged between you and the…
CUSTOMER: This is bullshit!!! I ain’t gonna pay it no more! You won’t let me cancel!
SCRIBE: It’s not that I won’t let you cancel, it’s that it would be illegal to cancel it by your request.
CUSTOMER: Well, I ain’t paying it!
SCRIBE: Again, totally up to you. If you can just have the account holder call in and…
CUSTOMER: He ain’t here!
SCRIBE: Whenever he is or you’re able to speak to him.
CUSTOMER: So, yer tellin’ me that I can’t cancel this line and you’re gonna keep billing me for it!
SCRIBE: I’m telling you it would be against the law to cancel an account that’s registered under another person’s social security number and name. That’s what we’re not going to do.
CUSTOMER: He’s my son! I can’t cancel my son’s account?
SCRIBE: That’s correct. Only he has the legal right to make any changes.
CUSTOMER: Well, I tell you what, this sucks! You know it sucks!
SCRIBE: I don’t think it sucks to protect customers’ privacy by not allowing unauthorized people to cancel their accounts that they might not want cancelled. That constitutes fraud. (With most reasonable, educated people the word “fraud” is like a magic button)
CUSTOMER: Well…I ain’t gonna pay it! I think this stinks.
SCRIBE: Sorry you feel that way, but it really is for the protection of…
CUSTOMER: And I’m gonna cancel my other accounts too! I have two other accounts!
SCRIBE: Well, we’d hate to lose your business because we can’t help you break the law but we aren’t gonna cancel something you’re not authorized to cancel.
CUSTOMER: This is bullshit! I’m gonna cancel everything!
SCRIBE: Still not gonna help you break the law.
(CLICK)

About an hour later I read the updated notes on the account and saw that the account holder had mysteriously become available and cancelled the account due to the user of the phone, who was actually his mother and not him, suffering from an unspecified illness.

Thoughts?

DUDE RETURNS

The Dude Chronicles hiatus is officially over. I wanted to wait until I had compiled enough interesting factoids to write all at once and I got ‘em, my precious, supple vultures.

When last we visited the virtual world of Dude, his family had just met his disappointingly old-looking and misshapen online Australian dream girl. EFB and I had also met her and gone to the movies with the two of them.

For those of you following along at home, the Aussie turned out to be a rather aggressive instigator of, um, well, she likes the rough stuff.

Dude can’t get over the way she looks, despite their apparent compatibility. He says they have a good time together going places and talking. But when it comes to the cuddle hour, Dude is unable to overcome his revulsion at what she looks like without clothes.

She keeps asking him why he isn’t holding her and kissing her all the time because that’s what normal people in the early stages of a relationship do. Maybe so, but is that still the case when someone met online? Do those rules apply when the only real courtship occurred using a computer or telephone? Where exactly does reality come back into the picture? And, most importantly why do I sound like Carrie Bradshaw???

Dude told me he doesn’t want to hold her and kiss her. That would be fine if not for this next double-whammy: He’s still cool with her helping him out financially and doing housework and cooking for him. That was part of their agreement when they were courting but things changed when he decided he was repulsive.

What nobody knew was that these two had discussed marriage before she arrived. The deal was supposed to include whoever went to live in the other’s country. She pressed him on this several times during a phone conversation, asking him again and again if he would be willing to get married so that either she could obtain a green card in America or he could in Australia. He told her he was willing to do it. Then he saw her.

Dude keeps insisting he’s not shallow and this isn’t all about looks. His mother and sister met her and loved her. She is the polar opposite of his soon to be ex-wife, whose severe social anxiety prevented her from conversing in groups of people larger than two. This woman is extremely outgoing and engaging and she and his mom went and got they nails did the other day, gurrlll.

Apparently her bonding attempts proved successful as Dude’s mom and sister told him to make a go of it. There’s some logic there. He went to all the trouble of getting her here and talking on the phone for seven months. It makes sense to see what comes of it all. By contrast, his father admitted that he could see his son would be physically repulsed by her.

The other half of the previously mentioned double-whammy occurred when Dude admitted to EFB that he had another online love interest waiting in the wings. That's right, some chick in (wait for it) ANOTHER COUNTRY who is really hot and exactly what he was looking for. He knows this because she told him so and she showed him pictures to boot. The Aussie sent him pictures too. They were of some half-naked chick with a wondrous ass whose face was never visible. So obviously she wasn't faking them, right?

Well, the same goes for this chick in Canada. So now I guess he's playing a waiting game. According to Dude whose admittedly not an unimpeachable source, the Aussie keeps making noises about going back home because of the lack of intimacy.

Stay tuned~

FINAL REFUGE

This is the only place I can post my inner most thoughts without feeling like those who don't need to see it will. I can't do it on Facebook or MySpace or even my writer's blog, so here it is:

This has been one of the worst years of my life. I am so fucking depressed there are days I can't even function beyond eating, shitting, and going to work where, for some reason, I go into survival mode as if nothing is wrong for eight hours.

I won't go into lengthy detail but suffice to say everything that could have gone wrong has. Even the publication of my novel has not been the bright spot it should have been. In fact, there's been a pervasive anti-climatic feeling to the whole thing, not to mention how I feel about the way the promotional side has been handled. Which is to say it hasn't.

Financially I just can't seem to catch up without some new shit showing up, including an out of the blue garnishment for a so-called debt from 13 years ago! I'm not even sure that's legal but it doesn't matter now because it was owed to the State of Michigan and they decided to take it all in one lump sum, leaving me a couple hundred bucks for the next two weeks.

Try as I might, and there's no "might" about it, I can't seem to completely get over things from the recent past. Moments and memories plague me when I'm alone and no amount of writing can fill the hole that was left in me seven years ago. I still see the only face that ever brought a smile to mine but I don't smile when I see it anymore. Why should I? Someone else gets that priviledge now.

I'm making bad decisions with even worse consequences and I can't seem to make anything work for any significant length of time. I'd like to say I tried caring about things but bullshit kept getting in the way.

Don't go all wonky on me, but I have actually considered cashing it all in. Yes, that's exactly what it means. But then I realize I've been there many times before and wasn't even able to do that! So fuck it. Here I am, stuck, fucked and without luck.

Please don't send me comments of positive affirmations 'cause I really don't need that shit. It doesn't do anything except make me shake my head and roll my eyes. I don't need text messages of concern or emails asking for details. There aren't I'm willing to give. I'm just venting and this is my final refuge.

Fuck it. Forget I said anything~

SCRIBE DISCUSSES THE ISSUES...

Although my remaining vultures seem to be enjoying the exploits of Dude and his disappointing love life, I thought I’d take a break before the next phase to discuss some issues and stuff. I decided to pull three that I think are the most vital and post them from least to most. I haven’t really written about politics in a while but I suppose I need to start back up again at some point.

Please see topics below…

I said PLEASE! Don’t make me come through this monitor with old thunder and his buddy lightning ‘cause I’ll do it, man!

I’ll bring Hurricane Scribe to this BITCH and FEMA ain’t gonna help yo’ punk ass!!!

Ok, now that the requisite empty threats and shit talking are out of the way, let’s move on to the topic at hand: Scribe’s take On the Issues (So you don’t have to worry your pretty little head with all that darn thinkin’):

THAT STUPID INCIDENT WITH THE COP & THE HARVARD PROFESSOR: Every so often, an issue comes along that effectively divides white and black Americans right down the middle. They become so angry at each other over the perceived lack of understanding that they don’t notice those dirty Hispanics sneaking in their homes, putting their unwashed feet up on the furniture and eating their food. It’s a serious problem and one that’s only gonna get worse until we put up that electrified fence along the U.S. border. Even worse, while whites and blacks are fighting over stupid shit like this that doesn’t really amount to anything, those conniving Hindus are stepping in and taking over all customer service positions that aren’t created by the company I work for. Their ultimate goal is to make the experience so difficult for the customer through robotic monologues and incoherent accents that we will all break down and allow them to take over the country. Beware the brown people for they are on the march, my precious vultures!!!


THAT WHOLE HEALTH CARE BUGABOO: When a politician makes promises and doesn’t keep them, people act as if it’s the first time in history this has happened. More interesting, however, is when a politician tries his ass off to keep his promises and is blocked by the Old Guard of greed and corruption. Somehow nobody seems to notice this and reacts the same way they would if that politician had outright lied like Bush senior who claimed he wouldn’t raise taxes, Clinton when he said he would completely eradicate the ban on gays in the military, and W Bush when he said he wasn’t interested in nation building. President Obama has tried so hard to push his universal healthcare agenda through, yet something always seems to stop him. It’s easy to blame Republicans, whose only contributions to the national discussion have eben, “Everything Obama comes up with is a bad idea but we have no alternatives.” The real culprit here is the Democratic majority. Despite Obama’s often baffling attempts to gain bi-partisan support for his foals, the Democrats could push health care reform through whether the neo-cons like it or not. Instead, the so-called “blue dog” Dems in the Southern states, fearful for their political futures, are maintaining a steady resistance to what those on the right see as Obama’s socialist agenda. Those goddam commies. Always trying to give away the things we can use to make profit like human misery! That’s what this country was built on, by God! If we can’t exploit large groups of powerless people, how will we be able to afford that kick-ass LCD screen TV? Not to mention all the upright, moral members of congress and the House whose careers would be ruined if they were seen as supporting the masses over corporations which, by the way, have the same rights as individuals thanks to exploitation of the anti-slavery amendment.

So where’s all this going? Will we have an actual reform package enacted within the next year? Probably. Will it be watered down to the point of near unrecognizability by the time it’s passed through? Absolutely. Give him points for trying, but the president is ice-skating uphill on this one.

And now the most important issue of our (current) times:

THE EMINEM MARIAH CAREY FEUD: I must admit, Scribe do loves him a good feud! I’m not sure if this one qualifies yet, but Em’s history of fussin’ and feudin’ with people is legendary and I can’t think of a more deserving target. Don't get me wrong, my tongue swells at the sight of her, by Mariah Carey is an insane, alcoholic primadonna whose self-absorption is seconded only by English royalty. What’s the beef about, you ask? Apparently, Mariah Carey denies that she and Slim Shady ever dated six or seven years ago. Mr. Mathers found that insulting and did what he does best: came back with a funny line or two about Carey and her D-List husband, Nick Cannon. This prompted Cannon, a man whose main claim to fame is his stint on Nickelodeon as a child and his current hosting of the loathsome “So you think you can Dance,” fired back on his blog with such wacky witticism as, “I think homebody is obsessed.” He also used lots of caps and made sure to include “LOL” so we knew he wasn’t affected by something that obviously affected him deeply.

While there have been times when Eminem made one comment about someone and left it alone, this hasn’t been one of them. You see, Em claims to have proof that he and Carey dated and has threatened to provide it to the press if this keeps up. Why such a petty move? Well, ironically (if you believe in random chance that is foreshadowed by an idiot like Cannon) Carey released a song called “Obsessed” with a goateed stalker chasing her around in the video. Although she denies it, everybody else seems to think the stalker was supposed to be Eminem. Why she would be stupid enough to provide him with a brand new feud is beyond me but the bigger question is, why the fuck would you try to make a sly comment about a guy whose background is in winning battle-rap competitions where anything goes and all language is allowed? I may think Steven Segal is a joke but I ain’t gonna say it to his face!

Eminem responded to the perceived slam with a song called “The Warning” which not only goes into embarrassing detail about their one supposed sexual encounter but puts Nick Cannon back in his place with the hilariously apt line, “Before you try to destroy my career, you better get one.” He also extends an olive branch of sorts. You can hear the entire thing here: http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-warning-lyrics-eminem.html


This may not be Eminem’s greatest feud as it’s kind of like getting into an insult contest in high school with the kid who spent all night coming up with two good comebacks. I went up against that kid and wound up befriending him out of pity. Carey deserves no pity, and neither does black K-Fed. You can have that one, Em, since you were in semi-retirement during the years when you should’ve been going after Brittney Spears’ useless ex-husband~

Side note:
SOME NOTABLE EMINEM FUEDS OFF THE TOP OF ME NOGGIN:

Cage- A white New York rapper who used to get arrested for street fighting and spent time in a mental institution, Cage claimed Eminem stole his style for his first album. Feud seemed to die down after about 2002.

Insane Clown posse: Detroit-based wicked clown rappers who took umbrage to Eminem’s comments that he and Kid Rock were the only rappers rocking Detroit. They decided to do a song called “Slim Anus"to insult the upstart Johnny-come-lately and he naturally responded on the song, “Marshall Mathers.” They responded with the song, “Nothin’ but a Bitch Thang.” The disses from both were funny and both sides denied being punked out by the other. Feud culminated with Em pistol whipping ICP’s tour manager when he caught him with his no ex-wife and Rude Boy from ICP’s label chocking a guy in the crowd at a concert where an M&M’s t-shirt. Nobody died.

Vanilla Ice- The original white rapper (discounting the Beastie Boys & Third Bass) wasn’t too pleased with some of the lines on Eminem’s first album in reference to him. What he didn’t seem to get was Em was distancing himself from the man who had become an overnight joke before the comparisons started. Ice responded by saying Em rapped “like a girl” and Em made fun of the blond dreadlocks he was sporting at the time. Due to Ice’s apparent inability or unwillingness to create a put-down song, this one ended rather quickly.

Debbie Mathers- Eminem’s mom, whether she suffers from Munchausen’s disease or not, proved an invaluable source of inspiration to the lyrical grandmaster in his early days of notoriety. Sadly, it was all negative. She sued him at once point but he got more mileage out of her than any other subject matter.

MORE DUDE FOR YOUR MONEY

The day I got to meet Dude’s Down under love muffin was a strange one. The previous morning I texted him to see if everything was okay over there and he replied that it was. What I’d written the night before was that I didn’t much care for the way she’d deceived him.

He wrote: Ya buddy. Working that one out still. All advice appreciated. Ya I’m not too thrilled about that either. Trying to give benefit of the doubt.

I’d like you reread Dude’s transcribed text message two more times for me and then join me on the next paragraph.

“Working that one out?” There’s nothing to work out. The bitch lied! She presented a false and outdated image of herself in the hopes that he’d fall in love before they met in person and overlook her true self! And what benefit of the doubt is there to give? I don’t understand this breed of male but let’s move on, shall we?

That next morning when I asked him how he was doing, he wrote: Well enough. She ‘n I need to have convo now. But I think it will be ok.

Now, when I hear a guy say that, to me it means he’s about to break it down niggidy new school style and tell her nice knowin’ ya. But this is Dude we’re talking about so I “gave the benefit of the doubt.”

An hour later, he wrote: We’re good buddy. Playing it all by ear. Going to Costco now.

Ah, Costco. Destination of many lovers and people who like to risk finding roach eggs in their cereal boxes. I asked him if playing it by ear meant he was willing to give this a shot and he wrote, “Yes. Have to start from this point ‘n move forward. This was important talk today.”

Yes indeed it must have been. Surely he said, “You LIED! You look nothing like your picture! You are a sloppy, hillbilly looking mess and I wasted seven months of my life thinking you were someone you are not!” I’m sure that’s exactly went down right before she happily agreed to meet him at Costco.

EFB & I made plans to go see “Bruno” with them Friday night and they accepted. However, that little “convo” where everything turned out so well apparently sowed the seeds of negativity later on. Dude didn’t provide details but he sent a text saying she was really upset with him and wanted to go home. I misinterpreted that as meaning back to his house but we found out later she meant back to Australia. The next three hours we waited and waited for his passive ass to let us know what we were gonna be doing. I even called and it went right to voicemail. EFB said they were probably having make-up sex. After ten minutes of projectile vomiting, we decided to get something to eat since Dude was obviously not going to make it.

Naturally, he called while we were eating and asked if it was still okay to go to the movies.

“I mean, you don’t think I’m too flaky, right?” he said.

“Not at all,” I said. I didn’t add, “And it wouldn’t matter if I did. I wanna meet this woman!”
\
We got the theater with a few minutes to spare. Dude and the kangaroo had not yet arrived. In fact, thy were late as fuck. EFB grew angrier and angrier, rightly stating that she hadn’t come here to see a movie we’d already seen just to go in late and miss all the early parts. While she went in and grabbed a seat, I waited outside for Dude and ogled jailbait. Everybody needs a hobby.

When he showed up he was going the wrong way so I ran to his SUV and told him where to go. The kangaroo’s wide face filled my vision and all I could make out was a massive chin and messy blond hair that obviously came from a bottle. I told him where to park and waited…for another ten goddam minutes!!!

Due to his incompetence at locating a parking spot, Dude missed all the scenes I’d wanted him to see. As they entered the theater, he introduced us and she said nothing as I told her it was nice to meet her. I looked at her in her low cut pink shirt with designs all over it & couldn’t believe how old she looked. In fact, she looked absolutely nothing like those doctored pics with the various backgrounds I’d seen online.

In a move I found a bit classless, they walked up to the theater where the film was playing and got in line for popcorn…the film had been on for fifteen minutes at this point. Now EFB was fuming mad, almost ruining the film for others and possibly me. But when Dude and his woman arrived, her whole demeanor changed.

She had a better vantage point from which to view their interactions. I caught some of it too. They spent most of the film acting like two people who’d been married for years. Every time one of us went to say something to Dude, she grabbed his face and pulled him over to her.

Her nose and her chin seemed to be fighting to see which one would reach the other first. It was like looking at Jack Frost. I tried without success to see the “pretty” face he’d mentioned to EFB the other night and couldn’t. All I saw was some old chick that had lied to a younger, dumber man and was now playing him like a violin in a tuning shop.

Once the movie had ended, we stood in the theater a few minutes longer talking. She certainly was not a hillbilly. She’s intelligent. She also seemed nervous about us being the only people still in the theater so we walked outside to the hallway.

We stood there and talked for a while and then in the main floor lobby for a few more minutes. Dude kept flashing me the “what do you think” face but the kangaroo made sure she was always there. The night concluded with a plan to go out for drinks the following weekend. EFB couldn’t even wait until we got to the parking structure before she launched into an hours long tirade about how old, fat and conniving she was.

I must admit to being a bit under whelmed. I don’t have the white guy mentality that all women must be thin as reeds so what I saw was something slightly different form what they saw. I saw a chubby old broad with a wrinkled face. Certainly not the massive behemoth I was expecting from Dude’s harsh description. But aide from her physical appearance, she’s excellent at manipulation. It took me an entire day to form an opinion on her.

Bur old Dude’s moving forward just like he said. Yesterday he sent me a text saying, “Hey all’s well. We’re out to dinner with my dad ‘n fam and going to see sister’s (new) baby. Anxious to hear your impressions.”

I naturally asked him if his family seemed to be okay with her.

Dude: Haven’t had opportunity to talk to fam privately yet. She is very personable. It’s nice to see she’s comfortable.”

That was a direct reference to his soon to be ex-wife Minnie Mouse who had a severe social anxiety. But she as cute and, for is purpose, thin.

I write: So are you starting to feel comfortable with her now?

Dude: Yes having fun and doing things but sexually still slightly disturbed. Guess she created a fantasy that’s not reality.

Ummm, yeah most fantasies aren’t reality. It’s what distinguishes one from the other.

Me: Is it disturbing from a physical standpoint?

Dude: Physical and maybe a few other things. She means well…but think she’s a little confused and thinks she’s still the woman in her pics…I’ll explain later.

Minutes later he sent one last text about how aggressive she is which “would be great if she was actually woman I thought from pics but slightly disturbing.”

So he thinks she sees herself as the same woman from the pictures she sent. That would be a great theory if not for one simple thing: She waited until about 4 weeks ago to send what she referred to as “transition” pics, or her throughout the years. It’s an interesting word choice…”transitional.” It means you changed from one state to another.

She knows goddam well she looks different! She was hoping he’d be cool with it because of all the phone calls and emails and online chats. She has something to hide and she wanted to make sure she had a place to go and Dude was just what the doctor ordered.

Maybe I’m wrong. We’ll see in he coming days. He and I will probably talk soon~

THE DUDE CHRONICLES CONTINUED

“She went from being Christie Brinkley online to Bette Midler in real life.”

That’s what Dude said about his recently arrived love from Down Under. Disturbingly outdated pop culture references aside ( I might’ve said from Fergie to Rosie O’Donnell) he apparently had quite the uncomfortable experience at the airport. It’s best summed up this way:

WHAT DUDE WAS EXPECTING: A thin, youthful-looking woman in her mid-forties whose every movement dripped with class and sophistication.

WHAT DUDE GOT: A pudgy, old looking lump whose awkward movements and verbal delivery made him wonder if this was what an Australian redneck looks and acts like.

Here’s how it went down: Dude arrived at the airport where he had to wait for longer than expected thanks to delayed flights. He finally wound up in baggage claim, looking around pensively for the woman who was going to rescue him from the raw emptiness his life had become. So far, he hadn’t seen anyone that looked like her. Suddenly, someone yelled out, “Hi, Dude!”

“Um, hello,” he said. Who was this woman?

“It’s me!” she said, smiling big and wide.

Dude’s world fell and shattered like a cheap snow globe. When he was later asked if he’d recognized her, he said he had not. Even when she said hello to him, he still wondered who this woman was and how she knew him. It didn’t click that this was “her” until she said so, despite the Australian accent. Not only did she look nothing like her online picture (the same **** pic with different backgrounds) but her outfit was…well, it was pretty fucking strange!

She had on sunglasses and a large, weird hat along with her tight bike shorts. Dude felt the entire airport staring at them as they walked together, him unable to believe how old she looked. She doesn’t look like she’s the age she says she is, according to him. He’s going to sneak a look at her passport.

The details of their drive back to his house are unknown to all except them but I know where he lives and that is a long drive from the airport. It was probably less lengthy because of the time of night but something tells me he was hoping it would last longer.

The following day Dude seemed happy to be at work. EFB, his supervisor, said she’d never seen him so productive. But despite that happiness, he also presented the appearance of someone who had been severely traumatized. When she asked him how he was doing, he said, “It’ll be all right.”

Later he asked her to help him make some copies. Of course she knew he already knew how to do it so she said, “Sure, let’s go for a walk.” In the copy room, Dude admitted that there had been ***. Lots and lots of it. Apparently, the Down under Wonder has quite the appetite and liked what she saw. Dude worked out and got himself in shape for months, even going so far as to shave his chest hair and use bath salts on his pores. By contrast, his description of her makes it sound as if she did NOTHING to present a decent physical appearance. Hat’s not a good sign.

Dude descried her by saying her face was pretty but she looked old. He wasn’t even sure she was the age she claimed online. She’s busty, he told EFB, but they’re like grandmother tits and the rest of her is pudge to the left and the right. Why he allowed further manipulation by sleeping with her more than once I don’t know. Makes me ashamed of my fellow men.

Look, my mom taught me something invaluable in life. She said there were two things malicious women would try to use as a control mechanism: Sex and food. If you could control your libido and cook, they had no power over you, especially if you never had kids.

Dude doesn’t get women. I know! Try to get over the shock. According to him, she really loves him. Her eyes lit up when she saw him looking pretty much the same as the ten-year-old photo he uses and she’s really sweet and really nice and she really, really loves him!

Okay. Fine. Let’s take that at face value for a mo-mo. Let’s assume this woman who walks into an airport wearing sunglasses at midnight with a giant stupid hat is only here to start a new life. Let’s assume that the fact the she won’t allow him to photograph her isn’t suspicious at all…noooo, not at all! I’m sure her love is genuine…

Anyway, Dude’s all in a tizzy over this for obvious reasons. Sadly, I find myself going into “bro” mode and sympathizing with him. Already I’ve come up with two exit strategies for the poor *******, one of which involves INS. He wants both EFB and myself to meet his new lover and give our opinion. He wants to know if we can spot any chemistry between them. We were all supposed to be going out Saturday night to see “Bruno” because eh thinks the movie will relax his tension. I saw it and a homophobe like him would be far from relaxed. Trust me.

I pushed for us to do it Friday because EFB’s piss poor advice could ruin everything. She told me that he’s stuck with this situation because she isn’t some woman who came from the next town over. She sold her house and left her country. All true. She said he needed to go home that night and fool himself mentally by imagining they were childhood sweethearts who met again years later no longer looking the same.

“But he does looks the same!” I yelled as she told me this. “That’s the problem. She deceived him and showed up as a human tub of goo while he got all svelte for her!”

“Basically,” I said, “You gave him the advice women were given back in the 1600’s regarding sex. Just lay back, think about cleaning, and let him do is sinful business.”

Oh, my god, it’s happening isn’t it? I’m crossing over into the Bro-Zone. But I can't stand this guy! AaAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!

I’m a man, dammit! I am not ruled by emotion and spitefulness, but if you hurt my feelings I’ll spend years stabbing you in the back before I destroy you! I can put my differences aside and work for the common good: Namely, getting that Aussie cow back where she grazed from! Okay, maybe that was harsh but she played him like a fiddle and now it’s time for the big leagues to step in!

I’ll let you know more after I’ve met her~

IRONY, THY NAME BE DUDE.

Brief recap: This guy I call “Dude” who is an unlovable slacker, sexist, racist, macho ******* has done it again. As you may recall, he married a younger woman from Canada who wound up pregnant by an illegal Mexican guy, they separated and Dude started fishing online for a new woman. Several failed attempts resulted, most notably the chick that told him first she needed to go to Florida and seek out a porn star. Eventually, he “met” an Australian woman who was older than him with an evil husband (they all seem to have these) supposedly sexually assaulted both of their daughters and is a pretty violent guy. Here comes Dude to save the day!

Now he and the Down under Wonder have formed a relationship that stretches the entire way to the other side of the world although they’ve never met. Despite repeated entreaties from EFB, he insisted he knew this woman inside and out and that they were in love. She sent pictures to him of herself and he drooled over them. I saw these pictures. I didn’t drool but I did notice something else: NO matter what the background, it always seemed to be the same photo.

Even EFB, normally a visually oriented person, didn’t notice this. Ah, the keen eye of the Scribe misses nothing! It was always her in front of different stuff, sometimes turned around but always that same outfit, facial expression, and hairstyle. For some reason, both Dude and another former co-worker I will call “Mr. Mackey” thought we were crazed conspiracy theorists when this was brought up. Obviously, my status as a writer caused my wild imagination to run free and start running scenarios through my head in order to make life more interesting.

A couple weeks ago, during a surprise birfday party for me, Mr. Mackey gave us the most recent scoop. Apparently, the Aussie dame had sent a newer photo of herself and dude was freaking out a little bit. This was not the woman in her early to mid thirties he’d been spankin' it to for months now. Mackey wouldn’t give details but he did keep saying she was definitely not the younger woman seen in the earlier photos. That in itself wouldn’t be a problem, I guess, but Dude always steps it up a notch.

He and the Aussie had worked out a plan. She was going to sell off all her things and move to the U.S. with Dude. Yep, she was leaving her abused daughters to live with their father who supposedly bribes them with gifts in-between legal battles. I’m not the only one that found it odd that she was willing to leave her children, no matter how old, to their own fates and move all the way to the other wise of the Earth. It’s almost as if she’s running from something.

I have been looking forward to her arrival for months now. In fact, it keeps me going on those nights when ‘m feeling low. EFB had started wondering if it would even happen. She thought it was possibly an online joke, but I had faith. You hear that, Green? I had faith in something! Enjoy it while it lasts, my friend.

The Big Day finally arrived. Dude ran to Costco to stock up his shelves with healthy food since that’s how she supposedly eats where she’s from. In an amusing side note, he admitted to feeling rather uncomfortable when he walked up to the cash register with strawberries, a giant bottle of olive oil, whipped cream and condoms. The cashier, he said, was angry with him and treated him badly.

Now, let’s step a little further to the side for a moment…the cashier was angry??? What right does some fucking cog in the warehouse club machine have judging a paying customer? So instead of simply doing the job she was hired to do like a good little robot, she had the nerve to display anger. Imagine me in that situation. I woulda been all like, “Oh, snap! I only got one box of muthafukin' condoms??? Sheeeeiiitttt! I need the rougher ones for when we switch it up and start doin’ it in the ass! Be right back!”

And fuck yeah I would’ve actually brought more!

Okay, back to Dude. As he waited around at the airport for her impending arrival, EFB and I texted him amusing comments. Well, mine were amusing anyway. I told him I was expecting a real-time pic when she showed up or else. When he expressed his nervousness, I assured him nothing would happen and that she wouldn’t turn out to be a psycho. If she did, I wrote, “we’ll avenge you.” It was a forced joviality on both of our parts, his because he was scared and mine because I was pretending to like him. Then everything changed when I received his text message at 12:18am.

“OK. Home now. Just a little bummed. Nothing like pics. I’ll be ok man.”

Jackpot! This was what I was waiting for! I texted back to find out what was wrong.

He wrote: “Now what am I gonna do right now. You know I’m a nice guy.”

Of course. Nice guys always wish babies dead because they are an inconvenience. No matter how upset you are, you don’t have the right to wish a baby hadn’t made it because it was born of an affair. But I digress. There was more.

“She’s really nice. Very sweet. Doesn’t look remotely like her pics. Maybe 20 years older and 50lbs heavier, she understated things she told me. Um don’t know.”

It took several hours for him to respond to my text messages the next day telling him I was sure it wasn’t that bad and to send me a pic and, oh, yeah, I’m worried about ya, man. (tee-hee)

Finally he replied with a rather uninspired, “Sorry didn’t get back with you. Will have to call later. I’m ok thanks.” I reiterated how “worried” I was and he thanked me. Now, the waiting game began…

Fortunately, it didn't last long. I texted EFB and asked how he looked. The following is our text conversation on the topic:

SHE: They boinked so he looks good but...

ME: LMAO He hit it anyway? But what?

SHE: She has saddle bags a huge gut and her bra strap got swallowed by her shoulder fat when she wore a sleeveless shirt and people were looking at them weirdly in public.

ME: Daaaaammmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnn!

SHE: Maybe not that bad. He is begging us to meet her cause he doesn't want her.

ME: What? Are we supposed to take her off his hands? LOL

SHE: LOL He needs to know if we see any chemistry between them.

ME: Maybe it is made of fudge?

SHE: He said she wore biker pants and shorts and pudge to the left and pudge to the right spilled out.

ME: This is so much irony!

SHE: I said, "You did wrap that weiner, right? He was like, "With the thickest condom they make!" I said, "Well, at least you got tap it cause you looked relaxed."

ME: Well he was obviously able to ejaculate!

SHE: YUCK-O! I guess. Didn't ask.

ME: You know his shot his load like a super soaker!

SHE: STOP.

I'm so under-appareciated. This one is going to require updates I just know it! Yeeehaaaaaa! I am so happy right now!!!