MORE DUDE FOR YOUR MONEY

The day I got to meet Dude’s Down under love muffin was a strange one. The previous morning I texted him to see if everything was okay over there and he replied that it was. What I’d written the night before was that I didn’t much care for the way she’d deceived him.

He wrote: Ya buddy. Working that one out still. All advice appreciated. Ya I’m not too thrilled about that either. Trying to give benefit of the doubt.

I’d like you reread Dude’s transcribed text message two more times for me and then join me on the next paragraph.

“Working that one out?” There’s nothing to work out. The bitch lied! She presented a false and outdated image of herself in the hopes that he’d fall in love before they met in person and overlook her true self! And what benefit of the doubt is there to give? I don’t understand this breed of male but let’s move on, shall we?

That next morning when I asked him how he was doing, he wrote: Well enough. She ‘n I need to have convo now. But I think it will be ok.

Now, when I hear a guy say that, to me it means he’s about to break it down niggidy new school style and tell her nice knowin’ ya. But this is Dude we’re talking about so I “gave the benefit of the doubt.”

An hour later, he wrote: We’re good buddy. Playing it all by ear. Going to Costco now.

Ah, Costco. Destination of many lovers and people who like to risk finding roach eggs in their cereal boxes. I asked him if playing it by ear meant he was willing to give this a shot and he wrote, “Yes. Have to start from this point ‘n move forward. This was important talk today.”

Yes indeed it must have been. Surely he said, “You LIED! You look nothing like your picture! You are a sloppy, hillbilly looking mess and I wasted seven months of my life thinking you were someone you are not!” I’m sure that’s exactly went down right before she happily agreed to meet him at Costco.

EFB & I made plans to go see “Bruno” with them Friday night and they accepted. However, that little “convo” where everything turned out so well apparently sowed the seeds of negativity later on. Dude didn’t provide details but he sent a text saying she was really upset with him and wanted to go home. I misinterpreted that as meaning back to his house but we found out later she meant back to Australia. The next three hours we waited and waited for his passive ass to let us know what we were gonna be doing. I even called and it went right to voicemail. EFB said they were probably having make-up sex. After ten minutes of projectile vomiting, we decided to get something to eat since Dude was obviously not going to make it.

Naturally, he called while we were eating and asked if it was still okay to go to the movies.

“I mean, you don’t think I’m too flaky, right?” he said.

“Not at all,” I said. I didn’t add, “And it wouldn’t matter if I did. I wanna meet this woman!”
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We got the theater with a few minutes to spare. Dude and the kangaroo had not yet arrived. In fact, thy were late as fuck. EFB grew angrier and angrier, rightly stating that she hadn’t come here to see a movie we’d already seen just to go in late and miss all the early parts. While she went in and grabbed a seat, I waited outside for Dude and ogled jailbait. Everybody needs a hobby.

When he showed up he was going the wrong way so I ran to his SUV and told him where to go. The kangaroo’s wide face filled my vision and all I could make out was a massive chin and messy blond hair that obviously came from a bottle. I told him where to park and waited…for another ten goddam minutes!!!

Due to his incompetence at locating a parking spot, Dude missed all the scenes I’d wanted him to see. As they entered the theater, he introduced us and she said nothing as I told her it was nice to meet her. I looked at her in her low cut pink shirt with designs all over it & couldn’t believe how old she looked. In fact, she looked absolutely nothing like those doctored pics with the various backgrounds I’d seen online.

In a move I found a bit classless, they walked up to the theater where the film was playing and got in line for popcorn…the film had been on for fifteen minutes at this point. Now EFB was fuming mad, almost ruining the film for others and possibly me. But when Dude and his woman arrived, her whole demeanor changed.

She had a better vantage point from which to view their interactions. I caught some of it too. They spent most of the film acting like two people who’d been married for years. Every time one of us went to say something to Dude, she grabbed his face and pulled him over to her.

Her nose and her chin seemed to be fighting to see which one would reach the other first. It was like looking at Jack Frost. I tried without success to see the “pretty” face he’d mentioned to EFB the other night and couldn’t. All I saw was some old chick that had lied to a younger, dumber man and was now playing him like a violin in a tuning shop.

Once the movie had ended, we stood in the theater a few minutes longer talking. She certainly was not a hillbilly. She’s intelligent. She also seemed nervous about us being the only people still in the theater so we walked outside to the hallway.

We stood there and talked for a while and then in the main floor lobby for a few more minutes. Dude kept flashing me the “what do you think” face but the kangaroo made sure she was always there. The night concluded with a plan to go out for drinks the following weekend. EFB couldn’t even wait until we got to the parking structure before she launched into an hours long tirade about how old, fat and conniving she was.

I must admit to being a bit under whelmed. I don’t have the white guy mentality that all women must be thin as reeds so what I saw was something slightly different form what they saw. I saw a chubby old broad with a wrinkled face. Certainly not the massive behemoth I was expecting from Dude’s harsh description. But aide from her physical appearance, she’s excellent at manipulation. It took me an entire day to form an opinion on her.

Bur old Dude’s moving forward just like he said. Yesterday he sent me a text saying, “Hey all’s well. We’re out to dinner with my dad ‘n fam and going to see sister’s (new) baby. Anxious to hear your impressions.”

I naturally asked him if his family seemed to be okay with her.

Dude: Haven’t had opportunity to talk to fam privately yet. She is very personable. It’s nice to see she’s comfortable.”

That was a direct reference to his soon to be ex-wife Minnie Mouse who had a severe social anxiety. But she as cute and, for is purpose, thin.

I write: So are you starting to feel comfortable with her now?

Dude: Yes having fun and doing things but sexually still slightly disturbed. Guess she created a fantasy that’s not reality.

Ummm, yeah most fantasies aren’t reality. It’s what distinguishes one from the other.

Me: Is it disturbing from a physical standpoint?

Dude: Physical and maybe a few other things. She means well…but think she’s a little confused and thinks she’s still the woman in her pics…I’ll explain later.

Minutes later he sent one last text about how aggressive she is which “would be great if she was actually woman I thought from pics but slightly disturbing.”

So he thinks she sees herself as the same woman from the pictures she sent. That would be a great theory if not for one simple thing: She waited until about 4 weeks ago to send what she referred to as “transition” pics, or her throughout the years. It’s an interesting word choice…”transitional.” It means you changed from one state to another.

She knows goddam well she looks different! She was hoping he’d be cool with it because of all the phone calls and emails and online chats. She has something to hide and she wanted to make sure she had a place to go and Dude was just what the doctor ordered.

Maybe I’m wrong. We’ll see in he coming days. He and I will probably talk soon~