FINAL REFUGE

This is the only place I can post my inner most thoughts without feeling like those who don't need to see it will. I can't do it on Facebook or MySpace or even my writer's blog, so here it is:

This has been one of the worst years of my life. I am so fucking depressed there are days I can't even function beyond eating, shitting, and going to work where, for some reason, I go into survival mode as if nothing is wrong for eight hours.

I won't go into lengthy detail but suffice to say everything that could have gone wrong has. Even the publication of my novel has not been the bright spot it should have been. In fact, there's been a pervasive anti-climatic feeling to the whole thing, not to mention how I feel about the way the promotional side has been handled. Which is to say it hasn't.

Financially I just can't seem to catch up without some new shit showing up, including an out of the blue garnishment for a so-called debt from 13 years ago! I'm not even sure that's legal but it doesn't matter now because it was owed to the State of Michigan and they decided to take it all in one lump sum, leaving me a couple hundred bucks for the next two weeks.

Try as I might, and there's no "might" about it, I can't seem to completely get over things from the recent past. Moments and memories plague me when I'm alone and no amount of writing can fill the hole that was left in me seven years ago. I still see the only face that ever brought a smile to mine but I don't smile when I see it anymore. Why should I? Someone else gets that priviledge now.

I'm making bad decisions with even worse consequences and I can't seem to make anything work for any significant length of time. I'd like to say I tried caring about things but bullshit kept getting in the way.

Don't go all wonky on me, but I have actually considered cashing it all in. Yes, that's exactly what it means. But then I realize I've been there many times before and wasn't even able to do that! So fuck it. Here I am, stuck, fucked and without luck.

Please don't send me comments of positive affirmations 'cause I really don't need that shit. It doesn't do anything except make me shake my head and roll my eyes. I don't need text messages of concern or emails asking for details. There aren't I'm willing to give. I'm just venting and this is my final refuge.

Fuck it. Forget I said anything~