DUDE RETURNS

The Dude Chronicles hiatus is officially over. I wanted to wait until I had compiled enough interesting factoids to write all at once and I got ‘em, my precious, supple vultures.

When last we visited the virtual world of Dude, his family had just met his disappointingly old-looking and misshapen online Australian dream girl. EFB and I had also met her and gone to the movies with the two of them.

For those of you following along at home, the Aussie turned out to be a rather aggressive instigator of, um, well, she likes the rough stuff.

Dude can’t get over the way she looks, despite their apparent compatibility. He says they have a good time together going places and talking. But when it comes to the cuddle hour, Dude is unable to overcome his revulsion at what she looks like without clothes.

She keeps asking him why he isn’t holding her and kissing her all the time because that’s what normal people in the early stages of a relationship do. Maybe so, but is that still the case when someone met online? Do those rules apply when the only real courtship occurred using a computer or telephone? Where exactly does reality come back into the picture? And, most importantly why do I sound like Carrie Bradshaw???

Dude told me he doesn’t want to hold her and kiss her. That would be fine if not for this next double-whammy: He’s still cool with her helping him out financially and doing housework and cooking for him. That was part of their agreement when they were courting but things changed when he decided he was repulsive.

What nobody knew was that these two had discussed marriage before she arrived. The deal was supposed to include whoever went to live in the other’s country. She pressed him on this several times during a phone conversation, asking him again and again if he would be willing to get married so that either she could obtain a green card in America or he could in Australia. He told her he was willing to do it. Then he saw her.

Dude keeps insisting he’s not shallow and this isn’t all about looks. His mother and sister met her and loved her. She is the polar opposite of his soon to be ex-wife, whose severe social anxiety prevented her from conversing in groups of people larger than two. This woman is extremely outgoing and engaging and she and his mom went and got they nails did the other day, gurrlll.

Apparently her bonding attempts proved successful as Dude’s mom and sister told him to make a go of it. There’s some logic there. He went to all the trouble of getting her here and talking on the phone for seven months. It makes sense to see what comes of it all. By contrast, his father admitted that he could see his son would be physically repulsed by her.

The other half of the previously mentioned double-whammy occurred when Dude admitted to EFB that he had another online love interest waiting in the wings. That's right, some chick in (wait for it) ANOTHER COUNTRY who is really hot and exactly what he was looking for. He knows this because she told him so and she showed him pictures to boot. The Aussie sent him pictures too. They were of some half-naked chick with a wondrous ass whose face was never visible. So obviously she wasn't faking them, right?

Well, the same goes for this chick in Canada. So now I guess he's playing a waiting game. According to Dude whose admittedly not an unimpeachable source, the Aussie keeps making noises about going back home because of the lack of intimacy.

Stay tuned~