CALL OF THE WEEK

All you need to know to read this one is that the male customer in this little real-life scenario spoke in a high-pitched, whiney, singsong tone that was at once hickish and condescending. Enjoy, since I sure as hell didn’t:

SCRIBE: What can I do ya for?
CUSTOMER: I wanna cancel this line! (Laughing)
SCRIBE: Well, I’m sorry to hear you’re looking to cancel but I’ll be happy to assist you. Can you confirm the phone number for me please? (Provides number) Oh, I apologize but I don’t see you authorized on that account. Is the account holder available?
CUSTOMER: That’s me! I pay the bills!
SCRIBE: Actually, I’m looking at a different name on the account. Is that person available?
CUSTOMER: NO!
SCRIBE: I am sorry but I can’t make any changes to the account without that person’s consent.
CUSTOMER: But I pay the bills!
SCRIBE: I understand but you aren’t the named account holder and that person didn’t authorize you to discuss it so you don’t currently have the ability to make any changes…
CUSTOMER: I don’t wanna make no changes! I wanna cancel it!
SCRIBE: …canceling is considered a change because, well, you know, it would no longer be active and stuff.
CUSTOMER: This is bullshit! How am I supposed to stop getting billed for this line?
SCRIBE: We just need to speak with the account holder. You’re saying there’s no way to get a hold of…
CUSTOMER: He ain’t here!!!
SCRIBE: He doesn’t have to physically be there, is there any way I can give him a call real quick? (At this point, gods forgive me, I’m actually hoping he will say the account holder is deceased so I can cancel and get him off the phone)
CUSTOMER: NO!
SCRIBE: Okay, well in that case I do apologize but without speaking to him, I can’t cancel out any account in his name.
CUSTOMER: Well, I ain’t gonna pay the bill no more! How’s that?
SCRIBE: That’s entirely up to you. It would affect the account holder, not you.
CUSTOMER: I want to cancel! You’re telling me (company) is gonna keep billing me?
SCRIBE: Well, we’re not actually billing you. We’re billing…
CUSTOMER: I pay the bills!!!
SCRIBE: Right, but that’s something that was arranged between you and the…
CUSTOMER: This is bullshit!!! I ain’t gonna pay it no more! You won’t let me cancel!
SCRIBE: It’s not that I won’t let you cancel, it’s that it would be illegal to cancel it by your request.
CUSTOMER: Well, I ain’t paying it!
SCRIBE: Again, totally up to you. If you can just have the account holder call in and…
CUSTOMER: He ain’t here!
SCRIBE: Whenever he is or you’re able to speak to him.
CUSTOMER: So, yer tellin’ me that I can’t cancel this line and you’re gonna keep billing me for it!
SCRIBE: I’m telling you it would be against the law to cancel an account that’s registered under another person’s social security number and name. That’s what we’re not going to do.
CUSTOMER: He’s my son! I can’t cancel my son’s account?
SCRIBE: That’s correct. Only he has the legal right to make any changes.
CUSTOMER: Well, I tell you what, this sucks! You know it sucks!
SCRIBE: I don’t think it sucks to protect customers’ privacy by not allowing unauthorized people to cancel their accounts that they might not want cancelled. That constitutes fraud. (With most reasonable, educated people the word “fraud” is like a magic button)
CUSTOMER: Well…I ain’t gonna pay it! I think this stinks.
SCRIBE: Sorry you feel that way, but it really is for the protection of…
CUSTOMER: And I’m gonna cancel my other accounts too! I have two other accounts!
SCRIBE: Well, we’d hate to lose your business because we can’t help you break the law but we aren’t gonna cancel something you’re not authorized to cancel.
CUSTOMER: This is bullshit! I’m gonna cancel everything!
SCRIBE: Still not gonna help you break the law.
(CLICK)

About an hour later I read the updated notes on the account and saw that the account holder had mysteriously become available and cancelled the account due to the user of the phone, who was actually his mother and not him, suffering from an unspecified illness.

Thoughts?