ADVENTURES WITH THE "N" WORD.

I think it’s safe to assume that most of you reading this don’t have any direct experience with being a bi-racial man in America. It’s a unique one, especially for someone like me who came out of the womb looking more white than black. My physical appearance has afforded me certain levels of access to the secret conversations of racist white Americans that no person of color is ever going to hear unless they’re hiding and eavesdropping.

The reason I don’t mention being privy to the secret conversations of blacks is because they don’t tend to keep what they think about race to themselves. One of the “virtues” of being a minority, I suppose, is being able to openly discuss these viewpoints, no matter how fucked up many of them are.

I am the ideal double agent. I can get in unnoticed and report back what I heard. I do this sometimes mainly because I can’t stand the idea that these smug, racist pricks think they’re getting away with these comments. The real irony is that while sometimes I hear this stuff because nobody knows what I am, I also hear a lot of it from people who know exactly what I am. This baffled me until I realized it was happening for one of two reasons: (1) Convenient memory loss, during which the bigot in question overlooks or forgets what I am because it makes him more comfortable. (2) They want me to agree with them so a minority can validate their views.

Every once in a while I get labeled “one of the good ones.” As grateful as I am for such a high status in the echelons of these goddam bigots, that designation can be revoked at the slightest change in the racist’s comfort level. As the stupid woman asked my mom in a panicky voice before I was born, “WHO WILL HE DATE???” She replied, “Whoever he wants.” But she forgot to add, “But if her parents are racists, he better be prepared.” That goes for both races, by the way.

Sometime last week, EFB’s mom made comments of such a horrible and repulsive nature that it took everything I had not to pick up my phone and light into her decrepit ass. As is often the case with her, it was a seemingly unprovoked verbal onslaught that came out of nowhere and ruined an otherwise good time she and her daughter were having. Why do I say “seemingly unprovoked?” Because I know how her so-called mind works, and she knows I do which distresses her even more.

According to EFB, her mother loves me. I don’t believe that but she does so I don’t bother disputing it. See, I refuse to believe in a love that’s based on the “If Only” Principle. That’s what I call it when someone says, “You would be one of my favorite people, if only you were all white/black, etc.” You can’t love someone you consider not good enough; hence there is no love there. Fondness, perhaps, akin to what one would feel for someone else’s child or pet.

The two of them have had fights in the past regarding my racial impurity and the tiny chance of us having a child that does not appear white. I’m not used to hearing this kind of talk so I just kind of listened as EFB related it and stored it away for future reference. Don’t get me wrong: I know these conversations take place but having mostly dated women of color, I didn’t have to deal with it head-on. Technically, I still haven’t.

Fair warning: The language in this next part is going to get pretty harsh and uncomfortable. If I’m writing that, you know it’s gotta be pretty damn bad!

***You can stop here or read on, it's up to thee.***

For whatever reason, EFB's mom called her a "nigger." This wasn't the first time she's used this word, but it was the first time she qualified it by explaining she was using the word not to mean black people specifically but for its original meaning. Apparently she thinks nigger means a stupid person, which is the accepted definition of the word by both blacks and whites in the U.S. In actuality, the word's origin is simple according to Dave Wilton, an independent researcher in historical linguistics, etymology, and slang origins. It was originally the Latin word for "black" and did not become a word associated with derogatory usage until the Nineteenth Century when "polite white society" deemed it a classless term utilized by the white under-class.

So, not only is EFB's mom a racist, she's also ignorant & classless...a perfect Fox News demographic if ever there was one. But she didn't stop at calling her daughter a nigger, yet another in a long line of horrific insults that include "Latin trailer trash" for wearing a scarf on her head one day. She went on to include me in a way that finally confirmed something I've been telling EFB about her for years.

What she said basically was that I was acceptable because of the way I look (i.e. white) and that she liked me personally. Basically, I'm one of the "good ones." Contrary to what some ghetto-ass blacks may think of me because I speak well and don't bump hip hop from my too-cool Ford Taurus Wagon, I am far from being an Uncle Tom. I have no desire to be viewed by mainstream white society as an "acceptable one" any more than my mom did when a woman in our neighborhood canvassing for a Republican candidate said, "You seem like a responsible one" as if it were a compliment.

Despite my "good one" status, she issued a warning ---yes, a warning--- to her daughter not to even consider conceiving a child with me. Why this is even a topic of conversation if beyond me but I digress. What she said basically was that if she did have a child and it came out looking black (which is highly unlikely) she would have nothing to do with it and that it would be shunned by their family.

Oh, noooo! My child could be shunned by people I can't stand that stand for things I despise? What's next? Skinheads won't let it in to their rallies? What the fuck, you stupid old bitch? Are you so arrogant and mired in your white superiority that you actually think I'd be upset about that? Or was it just EFB you're trying to upset?

Considering she told her daughter not to mention these things to me in order to spare my feelings, I gots to go wit option one.

The likelihood of a guy who is mixed by way of an all-white dad and a mixed mom having a black-looking kid with an all-white female is pretty low. At most, it might come out looking Mediterranean or something. That brings me to my next point.

In a fit of blind rage, EFB asked her mom why she would be upset about this but not about her half-Jewish grandsons. Actually, she said, "Then you better stop acknowledging those two sand-niggers your other daughter gave birth to!" Now, I'm all for using appropriate shock value on an ancient racist, but this went a bit further than I thought necessary. Still, it had its desired effect and the two of them didn't speak for nearly a week.

It turns out her mom is nothing if not consistent. She did indeed give her other daughter a hard time for marrying a Jew who, incidentally, is an unbelievably racist, sexist, anti-gentile motherfucker. Another daughter was read the riot act for dating a Jewish genius as well. She was even upset because her one daughter married a guy who was half-IRISH! She sees them as some different group entirely.

A part of me wants so badly to knock EFB up. Nothing would make me smile bigger than a brown baby telling her to fuck off before she gets too old to know what's happening. But I don't believe in using children as social experiments.

Too bad~