SCRIBE’S NEW SHIFT NIGHTMARE

It was my first day working my new shift of 6:00 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.

I chose this shift because I loved the idea of getting out of work while there’s still nearly an entire day left to waste reading in my papa-san chair and masturbating to lil’ people porn. It was Sunday morning and I was already off to a bad start.

Somehow, magically, my alarm clocks didn’t go off. I have two, one that is electric and another that is battery operated as a back up. Neither of them went off, but I was awoken to the sounds of, “Scribe, what time are you supposed to be at work? It’s 5:20.”

“Fuck!" I yelled and jumped out of bed from a lying on my belly position like an expert gymnast. “Shit. Why didn’t the alarm clocks do off?” The response was muffled and non-committal sounding, her face filled with guilt.

“Did you turn the clock off? Hello? Did you turn it off?”

Shrug. “I dunno. I don’t think so.”

“How can you not…forget it.”

Unable to take a shower, I ran to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and washed my face. Thank God my hair is so short right now or I would’ve been boned.

I was on time, of course. There’s no traffic at 5:40 in the morning on a Sunday in my town. No factories or mills around here. As I got off the elevator on the third floor and entered my workspace, I thought briefly about how nice it would be logging in so early, since nobody in his or her right mind would call his or her cellular service provider on a Sunday morning. Like my mommy said, all good people are at church on Sunday. She said that as I gripped the sides of the door to my house and refused to go to church where that big awful white bearded guy was going to smite me. I was 3.

Anyway, as I sat at my computer and started the login process, I experienced the first of what would soon become many brain-freezes. I couldn’t remember my password! In fact, I had no idea what it was!!!

I called the I.T. department and did a password reset via the automated system but the password wasn’t accepted. Apparently I’d tried logging in one too many times and my account was now locked. I again called I.T. and got that all straightened out so I could change the stupid password and log in for a nice, leisurely beginning to my morning.

A call came through as soon as I logged into my phone at 6:01. An older man who needed to reactivate his previous phone that worked better in his home area than the new one. A fluke, I thought. He needed his phone right away. Soon as this call ends, that will be it for, like, an hour.

Another call came in soon as that one ended, this one about billing. BILLING!? Who checks their online bill at 6:00 in the morning? Is sticker shock really that powerful? This was a new customer, so she was understandably confused, since the first bill is always higher than normal.

The calls kept coming, one after the other, the questions growing more and more inconsequential and brief. I won’t reveal an industry secret, but there is a substantial cost to the company (any company, for that matter) whenever someone calls in. That’s why we try to address all possible issues when you call us.

My voice cracking, my eyes refusing to remain open, I took call after call, hoping each one would end with a few minutes of respite before the next. Then something occurred to me. How many cars had I seen in the parking lot when I arrived? Five? Maybe six? The 6:00 a.m. shift was the opening shift of the call center, and I’d chosen it without realizing it was also one of the smallest as far as population. Son of a biscuit! That meant that regardless of the small volume of calls, there was an even smaller ratio of rep to customer, meaning every 5th or 6th call would go to me.

If it was like this on a Sunday, God only knew what Monday would bring. As expected, it’s traditionally the day people call in regarding just about everything related to their accounts, most notably billing issues and equipment orders.

Still, as the day wore on, the calls decreased in volume. I’m sure that was mainly due to the fact that the 7:00 & then 8:00 & 8:30 people started showing up. By 9:22 I was sitting in front of my computer screen listening to the distant sounds of mild static coming through my headset, occasionally interrupted by my own voice greeting the next contestant on the Price is Right.

By midday things sped up a bit. A little too much of a bit. Damn rainy days. By 12:30 there were over two-dozen calls waiting at any given moment. Unlike during the week, almost every call was for the same thing over and over. There’s nothing worse than being overloaded with repetitious calls on an under-staffed day.

I emailed a comely co-worker who was there on overtime and asked her what she up to. She replied that she couldn’t believe how busy it was today and said she’d been planning to come later in the day for more overtime. Within thirty minutes. She’d written, "I need to rethink this coming back thing.” Far as I know, she didn’t come back.

As the clock ticked mercifully down to 2:30, one final call came in that could only come to me. The customer needed to activate not one, not two, but FOUR phones and switch two of them once they were ready. That meant that at 2:28 I had to conference him into an automated system where he went through it four times to unlock each phone with his electronic signature agreement. Mercifully, I was all done by 2:43 because I insisted on having him activate them in assembly line fashion, one by one.

I’d like to say I ran screaming from the building but I didn’t have the energy to do much more than pant under the oppressive heat as I walked my resistant legs to the car.

But Goddamn!!!! It was nice to be off at 2:30!!!

(This is the last work-related post for a while, honest Norwegian)