SCRIBE’S LIST OF WORK-RELATED PET PEEVES:

This is a slight departure from my usual bullshit sessions regarding people and how much they inconvenience me by existing on MY planet. This isn’t a list of general workplace annoyances. This is a list specific to my workplace, the exciting and thrilling world of cellular phone service!!! It is an amusement park of excitement, and now I am bringing its most enjoyable aspects to you, my vultures and stalkers:

(Let me know if this turns out to be too “inside” and I’ll never do another one)

In no particular odor of relevance:

This list focuses on customers, who tend to be woefully ignorant of this business and its associated technologies:

10. “THE DISTANCE PEOPLE”- At least twice a week I hear people in my ear saying things like, “I only live 2 miles from a tower and can’t git no signal!” Hmm. That close, huh? Can see it from your house, eh? Well, golly it should be working perfectly! It’s not like there are any other factors involved. It’s not like cell providers can’t guarantee service inside a house due to the construction of the dwelling, especially if it’s brick. As we all know, signal travels through solid objects without any interference so those pesky trees can’t be the culprits. It’s us! It’s the network! We suck!

9. “CREDITS FOR VALID CHARGES PEOPLE”- These are my favorite!!! They take a rainy day and suddenly make it seem worthwhile. They know the charge on their bill is valid, they know they were responsible for it, but they still think it should be waived because they don’t like it. This kind of childish reasoning is what has made Americans incapable of self-sacrifice. I suppose it makes sense in this reward everybody equally world. After all, if they owned up to it, they should receive a credit for being honest. Baby, I cheated. Where's my money?

8. “MINUTE USAGE DISPUTERS”- “There’s no way I went over my minutes this month!” Well, the bill says you did. “I’ve never gone over my minutes before!” Well, ya did this time. “I don’t see how, I didn’t use the phone more than usual.” Um, yeah ya did. I’m looking at the calls right now. “I think I’m being charged for someone else’s calls!” Yes, that’s right. Somebody get Mulder & Scully on the line. Sounds like an X-File to me! This is the same person who broadsides your car and then yells at you about how you weren’t there.

7. “TEXT MESSAGE DISREGARDERS”- “I didn’t open those text messages so why am I being charged for ‘em” Well, dumb-ass text messaging is based on a delivery system. Once it’s delivered, it’s received and you’re charged for it. It doesn’t matter if you open it. The phone doesn’t even know whether or not you opened it. I’d like to deliver a foot up your ass but I’m afraid you would call back to dispute that, too!
And speaking of which,

6. DO NOT CALL LIST PEOPLE”- Ah, yes. The mighty do no call list. Let us all tremble before its power! It can stop sleazy telemarketers from calling you and, if they still do, help you prosecute them to the full extent of the law. But…they don’t work on text messages! Why? Because it’s not a PHONE CALL!!! See, the answer lies in the name of the DO NOT CALLLLLLLLLL list! It says nothing about DO NOT TEXT!!!! Text messages aren’t even seen as phone calls, they are a data feature. They are more like emails receiving spam. This has been a public service announcement form your friendly neighborhood Scribe!!!

5. “I DON’T HAVE THAT FEATURE” PEOPLE- these are the brain trusts who call and say, “I have a text message charge on my bill…I don’t HAVE text messaging!” No? That’s a first. For you see, text messaging is a standard fucking feature! Welcome to the 21st Century, Moses! Even mo’ better-er are the people who say they don’t have voicemail, which naturally begs the logical follow-up question, “Did you have it disabled?” Eventually “I don’t have it” morphs into “I never use it” when they realize voicemail is also a standard feature that one must request to have disabled. But these people will argue with you and curse those who set up their accounts ad infinitum. I’d like to care, but compassion for idiots wasn’t included in my package.

4. “SAME PHONE PEOPLE”- These are those customers I am assisting who just happen to have the same phone I have. There’s nothing more fun than walking a customer through some setting or troubleshooting step only to hear them say, “Mine doesn’t do that.” Excuse me? “Mine doesn’t have that option.” Oh, really? That’s interesting, because I am looking at my screen and, hey! There’s the option! ”Not on mine.” UH-huh. Let’s try it again. Do you see it this time? “Nope. Mine doesn’t do…” Don’t say it again! THEY ALL DO THAT! Unless there’s a glitch in the software, they all DO THAT!!! “User error” is the happy little euphemism we use for people like you, i.e. user has no idea what the fuck he or she is doing.

3. ‘MAGIC BUTTON PEOPLE”- Another personal favorite, these are those non-tech savvy people who still purchased a cell phone or, even worse, a PDA or smartphone, and don’t want to have to do anything to make it work properly. “Can’t you just do it?” No, Homer Simpson, I don’t have a magic button I can press and resolve all your issues in one fell swoop. I’m not an I.T. guy who can log into your PC and move your cursor around. You wanted this technology, now learn how to use it! I wish there were a magic button that could push to make pee rain down on your head but I guess I’ll just have to come over and do it manually!

2. “HOW MUCH IS THAT? PEOPLE”- Permit me to explain. Asking someone how much something is is not a peeve issue. It’s to be expected. Very few people are going to purchase anything without knowing its price. But when someone asks a blanket question in regards to about three dozen options, that rankles the fur around my taint!!! For example, I have just told you that you qualify for an upgrade with 2 year discounted pricing for the phone of your choice. Instead of asking me, “How much is dat?” what you would be saying is, “Can you give me some prices on a few phones?” For you see, when someone offers you the phone of your choice, that means prices vary depending upon WHICH goddam fucking PHONE YOU WANT!!! Do you go to an auto dealership and say, “How much ya’ll charge for dem cars?” No! But it sounds like fun. Mental note: Visit car dealership in ripped T-shirt and underwear and start asking questions.

1. “NON-DISCLOSURE REPS”- Saved the best for last. Lest ye think I save all my ire for the customers whose patronage allows me to buy booze and heroin, my co-workers in the stores deserve much worse. They are supposed to know better, yet they allow themselves to become overwhelmed and overlook vital information so they can move on to the next customer. By not disclosing things like activation fees and what the next bill will look like, they effectively force them to call me. And why not? Out of sight, out of mind, right? Not quite. We have a lil’ feature called a “feedback” form that gets submitted directly to the person’s supervisor for review. Far be it for me to narc anybody out, but I had plenty of them filled out on me my first few months and most of them were for piddly shit. I don’t want anyone to get fired; I just want him or her to do their jobs…and get fired!


And there ya go- file this one under “long time coming.”