SCRIBE'S LIST OF SHITE TO DO BEFORE HE IS KILLED BY SOMEONE'S JEALOUS HUSBAND:

Twin Japanese hotties Fook Me & Fook U approached Austin Powers one at a time and told him they were ready to throw it to him. Austin, still able to be shocked by such a wonderful development, was understandably flustered for a moment. As he invited them to join him on his revolving swinger’s bed, he paused for a moment and pulled out a piece of paper. On it was a list of things he wanted to do before he died, and Japanese twins were the next to last item on it. It was a funny gag, but it also got me thinking as only a comedy about a swingin’ spy could: What would be on my list?

I thought long and hard and finally gave up and threw this shit together:

(In no particular odor)

10. Attend a Neal Diamond concert expressly for the “Sweet Caroline” sing-a-long segment while providing Mr. Diamond with full frontal nudity from the back of the concert hall. One look at what the Scribe is cookin’ and I firmly believe he will switch teams and set me up in my own mansion. “So good, so good, so good” indeed!

9. Go to the Philippines with posters printed up that make it look as if my “new movie” is coming out and let the hineys fall where they may! I’d need an entourage, of course, and that’s where you come in. You need to be my people so I can score with Filipinas since I hear it’s so difficult and all.

8. Write, direct and star in the most offensive film ever made and film it in Israel, Mecca and the on the Great Wall of China. Israel will be renamed “Wacky Religion Town,” Mecca will be “The secret gay stronghold where everyone is taught to bow repeatedly,” and I’ll rename the Wall the Great Wall of Vagina. Eh? eh? The stars will be convicted rapists and Prostitute on parole (in real life) looking for the Holiest artifact ever…the Fabled Golden Baby’s Scrotum. People will love it universally and finally stop being so uptight about things and hate each other for who we really are. This was a vision given unto me by God…at least, I think it was God. She said she could give me life and take it away!
…Mommy?

7. Become a bona fide cult leader who draws his inspiration and belief system from the unlikely trinity of Mel Gibson, Paula Poundstone and Vic Tayback.

Take a ride on a spaceship, see the stars and the planets up close, encounter new life and new civilizations…boink alien women with or without tentacles, kill my benevolent crew and take their ship, conquer another world then several worlds, create a following based on my perceived godhood, come back to Earth and conquer it. Then she’ll have to take me back!

5. Finally get to the bottom of this whole creationism vs. evolution conundrum by time traveling back to the primordial moment of conception with a video camera. Once I’m there I will add my own ejaculateto the mixture and create prehistorical Scribe’s, each with a different pre-programmed biological imperative. Some will be hunters and gatherers; some will be artists and philosophers. But most of them will be pioneers in the fast food industry so that when the present is reorganized, we can actually understand the workers at these places and the orders will be accurate! Then I’ll believe there’s a God!!!

4. Find true love, cause it to cheat with me, and expose it for the hideous illusion it really is. Once that’s done, True Love and I will become Fox News pundits where we will yell and whine at each other and others as we abuse and demean all those who come to speak in the name of eternal love. Eventually, True Love and I will become lovers and I will introduce him/her/it to the midget Porn, er I mean lil' folk erotica underground where True Love will be required to sleep with only the homliest lil' folk , resulting in some truly horrible fighting and a bad break-up that will result in a book deal for both of us.

3. Become a high-placed lottery and Lotto executive so I can gain access to the system and rig all results so the winners will be rich people…regardless of whether or not they play. I will institute a huge PR campaign letting all the poor and middle class folk see these millionaires winning the lottery. At some point there will be a revolution against the proletariat and I will be its benevolent, elected leader-for-life. I came up with this when I realized Americans are far too shallow nowadays to revolt against anything that doesn’t involve their sense of entitlement when it comes to getting free shit.

2. Re-open the Mustang Ranch as a combination whorehouse and theme park. While the dads and moms are exploring their inner selves (or the inner selves of my employees) the kids can enjoy such fun rides as the Chlamydia Coaster and the Hall of Syphilis. Finally there will be an alternative to those other theme parks that tyrannically force families to stick together for entire vacations or “holidays” for our horny European friends. Now the family unit will be strengthened considerably when the day has concluded and daddy and mommy have a strange itching sensation. Everybody can then go to the emergency room together and the fun won’t cease as the kids get to participate in the dispensing of antibiotics and other suppressers. I will, of course, be hailed as some type of New Age entertainment guru and there will be statues in my honor set up to replace all those silly saints in front of Catholic churches. Instead you’ll see representations of me ‘n mah ho's!!!

1. Make love to some air headed hottie on international satellite hook-up from a stolen space shuttle a la’ “Moonraker” while the world looks on in abject horror when they realize there are no more TV shows except Scribe TV! All Scribe, all the time, bitches!!!! Tune in, turn on and fuck off!!!


As you know, I’ve already accomplished seven of these attainable objectives. And since you do know, I won’t need to repeat myself, right? Right!

Can’t wait to do those other three!!!