As I mentioned previously, I like to wait a while before posting Dude updates because that way I can compile all the information into one grand slam post. This time I am confident you’ll agree it was worth the wait:
Since the Aussie pig arrived, Dude has been bitter about the fact that his Internet dream girl turned out to be an old-looking, sloppy, shapeless mess. Understandable. But she was either oblivious or unconcerned as far as his revulsion went and proceeded to carve out a niche for herself in Dude’s life. She cooked gourmet meals, befriended his female family members and paid some of his bills.
Now, before you go getting’ all self-righteous, that was the arrangement they made. The whole purpose of her coming to the U.S. was to not only become his woman but also to help out financially. They were also supposed to get married…sight unseen. Her contention was that if they were going to take this huge step involving at least one of them leaving their country for the other, marriage had to be a distinct possibility. I imagine him holding the phone in one hand, his **** in the other while looking at the pictures she’d sent him claiming they were her and saying, “OK!”
Dude can’t get past the fact that she lied about her appearance. As he put it, “What you guys saw in clothes was nothing. It doesn’t even come close to how she looks naked!" After the initial lovemaking ran its course, Dude refused to do anything with her up to and including cuddling. Within the space of a few weeks, they’ve become like two roommates.
He comes home to a woman he finds physically repulsive watching reality TV shows he finds equally disgusting. He goes into his bedroom and watches TV while she stays in the guest bedroom because his snoring keeps her awake. During a fight, she went on his computer and removed all images of her from his C-Drive. Hmm, it’s almost as if she’s erasing any history of her lies so that she has a better case for herself if he tries to make her leave and involves the law.
Here’s where Dude fucked up. He pledged the possibility of marriage to a woman he’d only met through long-distance means. He believed the photos she sent him were her. He did no research on this woman before she arrived, choosing to trust every word out of her mouth. He set it up so that she would be staying with him for 90 days and did not make her sleep in a different room when she arrived because he saw them as being in a relationship. They did the dirt deed her fist there not once but several gut-wrenching times. He allowed her to meet his family within a week of her arrival, providing plenty of opportunity for her to schmooze his female relatives who now love her. And he let her pay bills, probably with a credit card that shows a history of payment.
She’s no idiot. She knows exactly what she’s doing and Dude’s mom and sister must be the biggest tools since…well, since him! He took her with him to Northern Michigan so she could meet everybody at his family reunion a week after she got here. She has gone out with his mom and sister to hair appointments and to get their nails done, not to mention shopping. She’s such a contrast to his wife (still not technically his ex) that they are over-compensating for the fact that she is able to talk and function in social situations. They love her so much that they have tried to convince Dude to make it work as long as he can get her to admit she lied about how she looks. His dad, the lone voice in the wilderness, says no way in Hell. But his dad is weak-willed and she is working on his new wife who despises Dude but loves her.
Dude ain’t havin’ it. Not only is he furious over her lies, he knows he will never find her attractive no matter how well they get long. He doesn’t think he should be forced to settle…I guess he has a lot to offer. Besides, there’s this really hot chick in Canada who just became interested in him. He knows she’s hot ‘cause she sent him pictures of herself.
So, the other day Dude decided it was time to take a stand. He told the Aussie he didn’t want a relationship with her and was still angry because of how she’d misrepresented herself. They got into a screaming fight over this where she repeated, “I’ve done nothing wrong” so many times it started to freak him out. I can see why. She either really doesn’t believe she looks that radically different from the pictures or she doesn’t care because she had now set up a nest and nothing is going to change that. Either way, she insisted she wasn’t going anymore.
Dude has finally decided to heed EFB’s advice from months ago and advertise for a paying roommate. Sadly, he can’t do that with her occupying his guest room. Like his wife before her, the Aussie spends all day in that room sulking. Unlike his wife, she spends a lot of time hanging with his mom and sister and winning them over. But it’s not all about sadness. She too is taking a stand. She told him she’s not leaving.
She also told him she’s not paying the speeding ticket she got up north when she was driving his vehicle on her permit. According to her, it’s too expensive once she does the exchange rate on the money. Besides, she is running low on funds thanks to all the grocery buying she’s done. “That’s because you always wanna cook gourmet meals!”
Oh, didn’t I tell you? She invited the mom and sister over and made them a gourmet meal. And he allowed this why? Would you have done the same? I wouldn’t have. Shit, EFB felt uncomfortable getting milk out of my refrigerator for months and she met my family for the first time at my aunt’s funeral! And we had actually met in person! Yes, I’m an asshole but I play it safe in this increasingly dangerous world.
Dude’s a wus. He’s letting this domineering, troll-like marsupial run roughshod over his ***. He is arguing with her and telling her no way but he’s not bringing the hammer down so she still thinks they can work it out. To be fair, we can’t blame her. This is a person’s life we’re discussing here and Dude’s only reason for not wanting to be with her is the way she looks…oh, and she lied about it. At what point does righteous indignation became superficiality?
Still, there’s a functional component here. Dude needs money and a paying tenant would help out immensely. She is potentially stopping that from happening. Now Dude has an ad on the bulletin board at the college where he works that might not be worth posting and he’s trapped in an awkward situation, angry because she won’t talk to him yet this is what he was aiming for the whole time.
On a personal note, I wish some human pile of hog-slop would tell me she wasn’t leaving my house! Imagine the unmitigated gall, the temerity, the…other shitI can’t summon words for at the moment! I’d be all like, “No, you di’iiinnnnttttt!” It would take all my self-control to keep Thunder & Lighting holstered in my pockets! Lets do what I know you people love to see me do most…ROLEPLAY SCENARIO TIIIMMMMEEEEE!!!
She: I did nothing wrong, mate! Get outta me way so I can throw another shrimp on the Barbie!
Me: What do you mean you did nothing wrong? You sent me pictures of someone with a hot body and you showed up lookin’ like you ate her!
She: I did nothing wrong! G’day!
Me: G’day? Bitch, you won’t be seeing a good day until you return to the land of kangaroos!
She: I’m not going anywhere! We can work this out!
Me: Indeed? Make sure you tell the hotel manager that when he asks you for a credit card ‘cause you outta heah!!!
Or, you know, words to that effect. Stay tuned, dearest vultures. They still have about two months to go and he’s planning to take a trip to Canada to meet the other chick within the week!
Isn’t this just the bestiest???
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
ADVENTURES WITH THE "N" WORD.
I think it’s safe to assume that most of you reading this don’t have any direct experience with being a bi-racial man in America. It’s a unique one, especially for someone like me who came out of the womb looking more white than black. My physical appearance has afforded me certain levels of access to the secret conversations of racist white Americans that no person of color is ever going to hear unless they’re hiding and eavesdropping.
The reason I don’t mention being privy to the secret conversations of blacks is because they don’t tend to keep what they think about race to themselves. One of the “virtues” of being a minority, I suppose, is being able to openly discuss these viewpoints, no matter how fucked up many of them are.
I am the ideal double agent. I can get in unnoticed and report back what I heard. I do this sometimes mainly because I can’t stand the idea that these smug, racist pricks think they’re getting away with these comments. The real irony is that while sometimes I hear this stuff because nobody knows what I am, I also hear a lot of it from people who know exactly what I am. This baffled me until I realized it was happening for one of two reasons: (1) Convenient memory loss, during which the bigot in question overlooks or forgets what I am because it makes him more comfortable. (2) They want me to agree with them so a minority can validate their views.
Every once in a while I get labeled “one of the good ones.” As grateful as I am for such a high status in the echelons of these goddam bigots, that designation can be revoked at the slightest change in the racist’s comfort level. As the stupid woman asked my mom in a panicky voice before I was born, “WHO WILL HE DATE???” She replied, “Whoever he wants.” But she forgot to add, “But if her parents are racists, he better be prepared.” That goes for both races, by the way.
Sometime last week, EFB’s mom made comments of such a horrible and repulsive nature that it took everything I had not to pick up my phone and light into her decrepit ass. As is often the case with her, it was a seemingly unprovoked verbal onslaught that came out of nowhere and ruined an otherwise good time she and her daughter were having. Why do I say “seemingly unprovoked?” Because I know how her so-called mind works, and she knows I do which distresses her even more.
According to EFB, her mother loves me. I don’t believe that but she does so I don’t bother disputing it. See, I refuse to believe in a love that’s based on the “If Only” Principle. That’s what I call it when someone says, “You would be one of my favorite people, if only you were all white/black, etc.” You can’t love someone you consider not good enough; hence there is no love there. Fondness, perhaps, akin to what one would feel for someone else’s child or pet.
The two of them have had fights in the past regarding my racial impurity and the tiny chance of us having a child that does not appear white. I’m not used to hearing this kind of talk so I just kind of listened as EFB related it and stored it away for future reference. Don’t get me wrong: I know these conversations take place but having mostly dated women of color, I didn’t have to deal with it head-on. Technically, I still haven’t.
Fair warning: The language in this next part is going to get pretty harsh and uncomfortable. If I’m writing that, you know it’s gotta be pretty damn bad!
***You can stop here or read on, it's up to thee.***
For whatever reason, EFB's mom called her a "nigger." This wasn't the first time she's used this word, but it was the first time she qualified it by explaining she was using the word not to mean black people specifically but for its original meaning. Apparently she thinks nigger means a stupid person, which is the accepted definition of the word by both blacks and whites in the U.S. In actuality, the word's origin is simple according to Dave Wilton, an independent researcher in historical linguistics, etymology, and slang origins. It was originally the Latin word for "black" and did not become a word associated with derogatory usage until the Nineteenth Century when "polite white society" deemed it a classless term utilized by the white under-class.
So, not only is EFB's mom a racist, she's also ignorant & classless...a perfect Fox News demographic if ever there was one. But she didn't stop at calling her daughter a nigger, yet another in a long line of horrific insults that include "Latin trailer trash" for wearing a scarf on her head one day. She went on to include me in a way that finally confirmed something I've been telling EFB about her for years.
What she said basically was that I was acceptable because of the way I look (i.e. white) and that she liked me personally. Basically, I'm one of the "good ones." Contrary to what some ghetto-ass blacks may think of me because I speak well and don't bump hip hop from my too-cool Ford Taurus Wagon, I am far from being an Uncle Tom. I have no desire to be viewed by mainstream white society as an "acceptable one" any more than my mom did when a woman in our neighborhood canvassing for a Republican candidate said, "You seem like a responsible one" as if it were a compliment.
Despite my "good one" status, she issued a warning ---yes, a warning--- to her daughter not to even consider conceiving a child with me. Why this is even a topic of conversation if beyond me but I digress. What she said basically was that if she did have a child and it came out looking black (which is highly unlikely) she would have nothing to do with it and that it would be shunned by their family.
Oh, noooo! My child could be shunned by people I can't stand that stand for things I despise? What's next? Skinheads won't let it in to their rallies? What the fuck, you stupid old bitch? Are you so arrogant and mired in your white superiority that you actually think I'd be upset about that? Or was it just EFB you're trying to upset?
Considering she told her daughter not to mention these things to me in order to spare my feelings, I gots to go wit option one.
The likelihood of a guy who is mixed by way of an all-white dad and a mixed mom having a black-looking kid with an all-white female is pretty low. At most, it might come out looking Mediterranean or something. That brings me to my next point.
In a fit of blind rage, EFB asked her mom why she would be upset about this but not about her half-Jewish grandsons. Actually, she said, "Then you better stop acknowledging those two sand-niggers your other daughter gave birth to!" Now, I'm all for using appropriate shock value on an ancient racist, but this went a bit further than I thought necessary. Still, it had its desired effect and the two of them didn't speak for nearly a week.
It turns out her mom is nothing if not consistent. She did indeed give her other daughter a hard time for marrying a Jew who, incidentally, is an unbelievably racist, sexist, anti-gentile motherfucker. Another daughter was read the riot act for dating a Jewish genius as well. She was even upset because her one daughter married a guy who was half-IRISH! She sees them as some different group entirely.
A part of me wants so badly to knock EFB up. Nothing would make me smile bigger than a brown baby telling her to fuck off before she gets too old to know what's happening. But I don't believe in using children as social experiments.
Too bad~
The reason I don’t mention being privy to the secret conversations of blacks is because they don’t tend to keep what they think about race to themselves. One of the “virtues” of being a minority, I suppose, is being able to openly discuss these viewpoints, no matter how fucked up many of them are.
I am the ideal double agent. I can get in unnoticed and report back what I heard. I do this sometimes mainly because I can’t stand the idea that these smug, racist pricks think they’re getting away with these comments. The real irony is that while sometimes I hear this stuff because nobody knows what I am, I also hear a lot of it from people who know exactly what I am. This baffled me until I realized it was happening for one of two reasons: (1) Convenient memory loss, during which the bigot in question overlooks or forgets what I am because it makes him more comfortable. (2) They want me to agree with them so a minority can validate their views.
Every once in a while I get labeled “one of the good ones.” As grateful as I am for such a high status in the echelons of these goddam bigots, that designation can be revoked at the slightest change in the racist’s comfort level. As the stupid woman asked my mom in a panicky voice before I was born, “WHO WILL HE DATE???” She replied, “Whoever he wants.” But she forgot to add, “But if her parents are racists, he better be prepared.” That goes for both races, by the way.
Sometime last week, EFB’s mom made comments of such a horrible and repulsive nature that it took everything I had not to pick up my phone and light into her decrepit ass. As is often the case with her, it was a seemingly unprovoked verbal onslaught that came out of nowhere and ruined an otherwise good time she and her daughter were having. Why do I say “seemingly unprovoked?” Because I know how her so-called mind works, and she knows I do which distresses her even more.
According to EFB, her mother loves me. I don’t believe that but she does so I don’t bother disputing it. See, I refuse to believe in a love that’s based on the “If Only” Principle. That’s what I call it when someone says, “You would be one of my favorite people, if only you were all white/black, etc.” You can’t love someone you consider not good enough; hence there is no love there. Fondness, perhaps, akin to what one would feel for someone else’s child or pet.
The two of them have had fights in the past regarding my racial impurity and the tiny chance of us having a child that does not appear white. I’m not used to hearing this kind of talk so I just kind of listened as EFB related it and stored it away for future reference. Don’t get me wrong: I know these conversations take place but having mostly dated women of color, I didn’t have to deal with it head-on. Technically, I still haven’t.
Fair warning: The language in this next part is going to get pretty harsh and uncomfortable. If I’m writing that, you know it’s gotta be pretty damn bad!
***You can stop here or read on, it's up to thee.***
For whatever reason, EFB's mom called her a "nigger." This wasn't the first time she's used this word, but it was the first time she qualified it by explaining she was using the word not to mean black people specifically but for its original meaning. Apparently she thinks nigger means a stupid person, which is the accepted definition of the word by both blacks and whites in the U.S. In actuality, the word's origin is simple according to Dave Wilton, an independent researcher in historical linguistics, etymology, and slang origins. It was originally the Latin word for "black" and did not become a word associated with derogatory usage until the Nineteenth Century when "polite white society" deemed it a classless term utilized by the white under-class.
So, not only is EFB's mom a racist, she's also ignorant & classless...a perfect Fox News demographic if ever there was one. But she didn't stop at calling her daughter a nigger, yet another in a long line of horrific insults that include "Latin trailer trash" for wearing a scarf on her head one day. She went on to include me in a way that finally confirmed something I've been telling EFB about her for years.
What she said basically was that I was acceptable because of the way I look (i.e. white) and that she liked me personally. Basically, I'm one of the "good ones." Contrary to what some ghetto-ass blacks may think of me because I speak well and don't bump hip hop from my too-cool Ford Taurus Wagon, I am far from being an Uncle Tom. I have no desire to be viewed by mainstream white society as an "acceptable one" any more than my mom did when a woman in our neighborhood canvassing for a Republican candidate said, "You seem like a responsible one" as if it were a compliment.
Despite my "good one" status, she issued a warning ---yes, a warning--- to her daughter not to even consider conceiving a child with me. Why this is even a topic of conversation if beyond me but I digress. What she said basically was that if she did have a child and it came out looking black (which is highly unlikely) she would have nothing to do with it and that it would be shunned by their family.
Oh, noooo! My child could be shunned by people I can't stand that stand for things I despise? What's next? Skinheads won't let it in to their rallies? What the fuck, you stupid old bitch? Are you so arrogant and mired in your white superiority that you actually think I'd be upset about that? Or was it just EFB you're trying to upset?
Considering she told her daughter not to mention these things to me in order to spare my feelings, I gots to go wit option one.
The likelihood of a guy who is mixed by way of an all-white dad and a mixed mom having a black-looking kid with an all-white female is pretty low. At most, it might come out looking Mediterranean or something. That brings me to my next point.
In a fit of blind rage, EFB asked her mom why she would be upset about this but not about her half-Jewish grandsons. Actually, she said, "Then you better stop acknowledging those two sand-niggers your other daughter gave birth to!" Now, I'm all for using appropriate shock value on an ancient racist, but this went a bit further than I thought necessary. Still, it had its desired effect and the two of them didn't speak for nearly a week.
It turns out her mom is nothing if not consistent. She did indeed give her other daughter a hard time for marrying a Jew who, incidentally, is an unbelievably racist, sexist, anti-gentile motherfucker. Another daughter was read the riot act for dating a Jewish genius as well. She was even upset because her one daughter married a guy who was half-IRISH! She sees them as some different group entirely.
A part of me wants so badly to knock EFB up. Nothing would make me smile bigger than a brown baby telling her to fuck off before she gets too old to know what's happening. But I don't believe in using children as social experiments.
Too bad~
Sunday, August 23, 2009
ALL-NEW PET PEEVES LIST:
Ain’t nuthin’ like a pet peeves list, but when the list comes from the tortured yet arousing mind of Scribe, ‘tis a cause for celebration and a call to revolution!
How’d that read? I’m working on my own PR campaign where I write as if I’m a critic who can’t stop singing my own praises. Anyway, enough about me. Let’s talk about how I feel about things instead. I worked hard on this list because I wanted to be sure I wasn’t repeating or revising previous ones. So sit back, shoot up, kick the animal or person nearest you, and enjoy my latest list of pets that peeve:
Yellers- As a person working in customer service, I think it’s safe to say I’m exposed to this type of person more than most. These sad sacks of shit have somehow come to the conclusion that constant raising of the voice and interruptions will get them what they want. Problem is, they don’t always know what they want. I can tell the difference within seconds but there are still those around me who get “hooked” and allow the person to get to them. This type isn’t limited to my job, though. They’re everywhere and they sincerely believe their loud voices will wear down all resistance. Then, of course, they encounter lil’ ol’ soft spoken me and change their worldviews.
Epigram People- I’ve always despised people who rely on the words of others to get points across. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate what others have said in the past, but when one comes armed with only that, one comes with an unloaded gun. Bible bumpers are notorious for this behavior, especially black ones. Sorry, the rest of us aren’t impressed. And I for goddam sure don’t appreciate the constant posting of quotes on sites such as Facebook. One Facebook friend of mine posts nothing but quotes from other sources! Bottom line: If you don’t have your on words, you add nothing to the human condition or the discussion so fuck off (Scribe, 2009)
“Seriously???”- Every year some new, obnoxious expression arrives to drive me closer to that naked in he watchtower with a .22 rifle moment. This year it’s the word listed at the beginning. I am hearing this so often that is has almost eclipsed that ridiculous LOVE thing soccer moms are using when they have absolutely nothing to add. And I’m like, “Seriously? Really? No, no, dude. DUDE! Seriously?” That’s right, just stand in one place for a moment longer…click…SERIOUSLY!? Boom!
Fox News, it’s everywhere!- For a network whose ratings are reportedly dropping, I sure see it on in a lot of public venues. I’ve seen it on at the Laundromat, doctor’s offices that don’t use those pre-recorded medical tips “shows,” and even in restaurants. The volume is often turned down, thankfully, but the garish, cheap sets and wide-open mouths of the pundits can be seen from almost any angle. A recent insider poll was conducted to determine the Fox News fan base and the results weren’t too surprising to me: Non-college educated whites 55 and older. That’s their audience! Those are the people watching Bill O’Lie-ley as Al Franken renamed him and Sean Insanity and all the rest of those propagandists and buying every word they hear. Sadly, that demographic fits a rather large segment of Michigan’s population including (SSHHhhh) EFB’s superior-minded and very racist mother (more on that in my next post).
Women with three names- This is another one of those annoyances I started noticing once I’d joined the Facebook cult. I knew they existed but had no idea how prevalent it was. I’m talking about women who want to be married, live the traditional lifestyle, drop out of the workplace and regress the women’s movement by fifty years through being soccer moms who still somehow think they shouldn’t have to completely lose their last names. Previous run-on sentence notwithstanding, this just pisses me right the fuck off! You cannot have it both ways. You either want to be an independent woman who likes to brag “No man pays MAH bills!” or you wanna be June Cleaver, the proverbial maid in the kitchen and tiger in the sack with the lights off and the shades drawn. The sort of “duality” required for the three-name thing is hypocrisy at its highest level. If you don’t want to lose the last name because of a loss of identity, get a fucking job with a name badge and get over yourselves!!!
AAAaarrrrgggghhhh that one almost caused me to lose it, vultures! Just one more to go before I can lave for my anger management class and fantasize about the others in there dying in the worst ways possible…
Gen-X’ers who think and act like Baby Boomers- I don’t get it. Generation X is defined as that sort of transitional group of kids who bridged the gap between the insensitive prick’s of the previous decades and the utter wimps of nowadays. We can still be jerks from time to time, but not in the way our predecessors were. We aren’t supposed to see the opposite as a separate species. Naturally there are exceptions to the rule. Women with absent or abusive fathers, men with controlling mothers, and first generation Americans tend to fall under that umbrella. But for those of us who are none of those things, it simply makes no sense.
All right, that's it. My next post promises to be extremely contriversial and for once it's not about what i find my underwear upon waking~
How’d that read? I’m working on my own PR campaign where I write as if I’m a critic who can’t stop singing my own praises. Anyway, enough about me. Let’s talk about how I feel about things instead. I worked hard on this list because I wanted to be sure I wasn’t repeating or revising previous ones. So sit back, shoot up, kick the animal or person nearest you, and enjoy my latest list of pets that peeve:
Yellers- As a person working in customer service, I think it’s safe to say I’m exposed to this type of person more than most. These sad sacks of shit have somehow come to the conclusion that constant raising of the voice and interruptions will get them what they want. Problem is, they don’t always know what they want. I can tell the difference within seconds but there are still those around me who get “hooked” and allow the person to get to them. This type isn’t limited to my job, though. They’re everywhere and they sincerely believe their loud voices will wear down all resistance. Then, of course, they encounter lil’ ol’ soft spoken me and change their worldviews.
Epigram People- I’ve always despised people who rely on the words of others to get points across. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate what others have said in the past, but when one comes armed with only that, one comes with an unloaded gun. Bible bumpers are notorious for this behavior, especially black ones. Sorry, the rest of us aren’t impressed. And I for goddam sure don’t appreciate the constant posting of quotes on sites such as Facebook. One Facebook friend of mine posts nothing but quotes from other sources! Bottom line: If you don’t have your on words, you add nothing to the human condition or the discussion so fuck off (Scribe, 2009)
“Seriously???”- Every year some new, obnoxious expression arrives to drive me closer to that naked in he watchtower with a .22 rifle moment. This year it’s the word listed at the beginning. I am hearing this so often that is has almost eclipsed that ridiculous LOVE thing soccer moms are using when they have absolutely nothing to add. And I’m like, “Seriously? Really? No, no, dude. DUDE! Seriously?” That’s right, just stand in one place for a moment longer…click…SERIOUSLY!? Boom!
Fox News, it’s everywhere!- For a network whose ratings are reportedly dropping, I sure see it on in a lot of public venues. I’ve seen it on at the Laundromat, doctor’s offices that don’t use those pre-recorded medical tips “shows,” and even in restaurants. The volume is often turned down, thankfully, but the garish, cheap sets and wide-open mouths of the pundits can be seen from almost any angle. A recent insider poll was conducted to determine the Fox News fan base and the results weren’t too surprising to me: Non-college educated whites 55 and older. That’s their audience! Those are the people watching Bill O’Lie-ley as Al Franken renamed him and Sean Insanity and all the rest of those propagandists and buying every word they hear. Sadly, that demographic fits a rather large segment of Michigan’s population including (SSHHhhh) EFB’s superior-minded and very racist mother (more on that in my next post).
Women with three names- This is another one of those annoyances I started noticing once I’d joined the Facebook cult. I knew they existed but had no idea how prevalent it was. I’m talking about women who want to be married, live the traditional lifestyle, drop out of the workplace and regress the women’s movement by fifty years through being soccer moms who still somehow think they shouldn’t have to completely lose their last names. Previous run-on sentence notwithstanding, this just pisses me right the fuck off! You cannot have it both ways. You either want to be an independent woman who likes to brag “No man pays MAH bills!” or you wanna be June Cleaver, the proverbial maid in the kitchen and tiger in the sack with the lights off and the shades drawn. The sort of “duality” required for the three-name thing is hypocrisy at its highest level. If you don’t want to lose the last name because of a loss of identity, get a fucking job with a name badge and get over yourselves!!!
AAAaarrrrgggghhhh that one almost caused me to lose it, vultures! Just one more to go before I can lave for my anger management class and fantasize about the others in there dying in the worst ways possible…
Gen-X’ers who think and act like Baby Boomers- I don’t get it. Generation X is defined as that sort of transitional group of kids who bridged the gap between the insensitive prick’s of the previous decades and the utter wimps of nowadays. We can still be jerks from time to time, but not in the way our predecessors were. We aren’t supposed to see the opposite as a separate species. Naturally there are exceptions to the rule. Women with absent or abusive fathers, men with controlling mothers, and first generation Americans tend to fall under that umbrella. But for those of us who are none of those things, it simply makes no sense.
All right, that's it. My next post promises to be extremely contriversial and for once it's not about what i find my underwear upon waking~
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
CALL OF THE WEEK
All you need to know to read this one is that the male customer in this little real-life scenario spoke in a high-pitched, whiney, singsong tone that was at once hickish and condescending. Enjoy, since I sure as hell didn’t:
SCRIBE: What can I do ya for?
CUSTOMER: I wanna cancel this line! (Laughing)
SCRIBE: Well, I’m sorry to hear you’re looking to cancel but I’ll be happy to assist you. Can you confirm the phone number for me please? (Provides number) Oh, I apologize but I don’t see you authorized on that account. Is the account holder available?
CUSTOMER: That’s me! I pay the bills!
SCRIBE: Actually, I’m looking at a different name on the account. Is that person available?
CUSTOMER: NO!
SCRIBE: I am sorry but I can’t make any changes to the account without that person’s consent.
CUSTOMER: But I pay the bills!
SCRIBE: I understand but you aren’t the named account holder and that person didn’t authorize you to discuss it so you don’t currently have the ability to make any changes…
CUSTOMER: I don’t wanna make no changes! I wanna cancel it!
SCRIBE: …canceling is considered a change because, well, you know, it would no longer be active and stuff.
CUSTOMER: This is bullshit! How am I supposed to stop getting billed for this line?
SCRIBE: We just need to speak with the account holder. You’re saying there’s no way to get a hold of…
CUSTOMER: He ain’t here!!!
SCRIBE: He doesn’t have to physically be there, is there any way I can give him a call real quick? (At this point, gods forgive me, I’m actually hoping he will say the account holder is deceased so I can cancel and get him off the phone)
CUSTOMER: NO!
SCRIBE: Okay, well in that case I do apologize but without speaking to him, I can’t cancel out any account in his name.
CUSTOMER: Well, I ain’t gonna pay the bill no more! How’s that?
SCRIBE: That’s entirely up to you. It would affect the account holder, not you.
CUSTOMER: I want to cancel! You’re telling me (company) is gonna keep billing me?
SCRIBE: Well, we’re not actually billing you. We’re billing…
CUSTOMER: I pay the bills!!!
SCRIBE: Right, but that’s something that was arranged between you and the…
CUSTOMER: This is bullshit!!! I ain’t gonna pay it no more! You won’t let me cancel!
SCRIBE: It’s not that I won’t let you cancel, it’s that it would be illegal to cancel it by your request.
CUSTOMER: Well, I ain’t paying it!
SCRIBE: Again, totally up to you. If you can just have the account holder call in and…
CUSTOMER: He ain’t here!
SCRIBE: Whenever he is or you’re able to speak to him.
CUSTOMER: So, yer tellin’ me that I can’t cancel this line and you’re gonna keep billing me for it!
SCRIBE: I’m telling you it would be against the law to cancel an account that’s registered under another person’s social security number and name. That’s what we’re not going to do.
CUSTOMER: He’s my son! I can’t cancel my son’s account?
SCRIBE: That’s correct. Only he has the legal right to make any changes.
CUSTOMER: Well, I tell you what, this sucks! You know it sucks!
SCRIBE: I don’t think it sucks to protect customers’ privacy by not allowing unauthorized people to cancel their accounts that they might not want cancelled. That constitutes fraud. (With most reasonable, educated people the word “fraud” is like a magic button)
CUSTOMER: Well…I ain’t gonna pay it! I think this stinks.
SCRIBE: Sorry you feel that way, but it really is for the protection of…
CUSTOMER: And I’m gonna cancel my other accounts too! I have two other accounts!
SCRIBE: Well, we’d hate to lose your business because we can’t help you break the law but we aren’t gonna cancel something you’re not authorized to cancel.
CUSTOMER: This is bullshit! I’m gonna cancel everything!
SCRIBE: Still not gonna help you break the law.
(CLICK)
About an hour later I read the updated notes on the account and saw that the account holder had mysteriously become available and cancelled the account due to the user of the phone, who was actually his mother and not him, suffering from an unspecified illness.
Thoughts?
SCRIBE: What can I do ya for?
CUSTOMER: I wanna cancel this line! (Laughing)
SCRIBE: Well, I’m sorry to hear you’re looking to cancel but I’ll be happy to assist you. Can you confirm the phone number for me please? (Provides number) Oh, I apologize but I don’t see you authorized on that account. Is the account holder available?
CUSTOMER: That’s me! I pay the bills!
SCRIBE: Actually, I’m looking at a different name on the account. Is that person available?
CUSTOMER: NO!
SCRIBE: I am sorry but I can’t make any changes to the account without that person’s consent.
CUSTOMER: But I pay the bills!
SCRIBE: I understand but you aren’t the named account holder and that person didn’t authorize you to discuss it so you don’t currently have the ability to make any changes…
CUSTOMER: I don’t wanna make no changes! I wanna cancel it!
SCRIBE: …canceling is considered a change because, well, you know, it would no longer be active and stuff.
CUSTOMER: This is bullshit! How am I supposed to stop getting billed for this line?
SCRIBE: We just need to speak with the account holder. You’re saying there’s no way to get a hold of…
CUSTOMER: He ain’t here!!!
SCRIBE: He doesn’t have to physically be there, is there any way I can give him a call real quick? (At this point, gods forgive me, I’m actually hoping he will say the account holder is deceased so I can cancel and get him off the phone)
CUSTOMER: NO!
SCRIBE: Okay, well in that case I do apologize but without speaking to him, I can’t cancel out any account in his name.
CUSTOMER: Well, I ain’t gonna pay the bill no more! How’s that?
SCRIBE: That’s entirely up to you. It would affect the account holder, not you.
CUSTOMER: I want to cancel! You’re telling me (company) is gonna keep billing me?
SCRIBE: Well, we’re not actually billing you. We’re billing…
CUSTOMER: I pay the bills!!!
SCRIBE: Right, but that’s something that was arranged between you and the…
CUSTOMER: This is bullshit!!! I ain’t gonna pay it no more! You won’t let me cancel!
SCRIBE: It’s not that I won’t let you cancel, it’s that it would be illegal to cancel it by your request.
CUSTOMER: Well, I ain’t paying it!
SCRIBE: Again, totally up to you. If you can just have the account holder call in and…
CUSTOMER: He ain’t here!
SCRIBE: Whenever he is or you’re able to speak to him.
CUSTOMER: So, yer tellin’ me that I can’t cancel this line and you’re gonna keep billing me for it!
SCRIBE: I’m telling you it would be against the law to cancel an account that’s registered under another person’s social security number and name. That’s what we’re not going to do.
CUSTOMER: He’s my son! I can’t cancel my son’s account?
SCRIBE: That’s correct. Only he has the legal right to make any changes.
CUSTOMER: Well, I tell you what, this sucks! You know it sucks!
SCRIBE: I don’t think it sucks to protect customers’ privacy by not allowing unauthorized people to cancel their accounts that they might not want cancelled. That constitutes fraud. (With most reasonable, educated people the word “fraud” is like a magic button)
CUSTOMER: Well…I ain’t gonna pay it! I think this stinks.
SCRIBE: Sorry you feel that way, but it really is for the protection of…
CUSTOMER: And I’m gonna cancel my other accounts too! I have two other accounts!
SCRIBE: Well, we’d hate to lose your business because we can’t help you break the law but we aren’t gonna cancel something you’re not authorized to cancel.
CUSTOMER: This is bullshit! I’m gonna cancel everything!
SCRIBE: Still not gonna help you break the law.
(CLICK)
About an hour later I read the updated notes on the account and saw that the account holder had mysteriously become available and cancelled the account due to the user of the phone, who was actually his mother and not him, suffering from an unspecified illness.
Thoughts?
Saturday, August 15, 2009
DUDE RETURNS
The Dude Chronicles hiatus is officially over. I wanted to wait until I had compiled enough interesting factoids to write all at once and I got ‘em, my precious, supple vultures.
When last we visited the virtual world of Dude, his family had just met his disappointingly old-looking and misshapen online Australian dream girl. EFB and I had also met her and gone to the movies with the two of them.
For those of you following along at home, the Aussie turned out to be a rather aggressive instigator of, um, well, she likes the rough stuff.
Dude can’t get over the way she looks, despite their apparent compatibility. He says they have a good time together going places and talking. But when it comes to the cuddle hour, Dude is unable to overcome his revulsion at what she looks like without clothes.
She keeps asking him why he isn’t holding her and kissing her all the time because that’s what normal people in the early stages of a relationship do. Maybe so, but is that still the case when someone met online? Do those rules apply when the only real courtship occurred using a computer or telephone? Where exactly does reality come back into the picture? And, most importantly why do I sound like Carrie Bradshaw???
Dude told me he doesn’t want to hold her and kiss her. That would be fine if not for this next double-whammy: He’s still cool with her helping him out financially and doing housework and cooking for him. That was part of their agreement when they were courting but things changed when he decided he was repulsive.
What nobody knew was that these two had discussed marriage before she arrived. The deal was supposed to include whoever went to live in the other’s country. She pressed him on this several times during a phone conversation, asking him again and again if he would be willing to get married so that either she could obtain a green card in America or he could in Australia. He told her he was willing to do it. Then he saw her.
Dude keeps insisting he’s not shallow and this isn’t all about looks. His mother and sister met her and loved her. She is the polar opposite of his soon to be ex-wife, whose severe social anxiety prevented her from conversing in groups of people larger than two. This woman is extremely outgoing and engaging and she and his mom went and got they nails did the other day, gurrlll.
Apparently her bonding attempts proved successful as Dude’s mom and sister told him to make a go of it. There’s some logic there. He went to all the trouble of getting her here and talking on the phone for seven months. It makes sense to see what comes of it all. By contrast, his father admitted that he could see his son would be physically repulsed by her.
The other half of the previously mentioned double-whammy occurred when Dude admitted to EFB that he had another online love interest waiting in the wings. That's right, some chick in (wait for it) ANOTHER COUNTRY who is really hot and exactly what he was looking for. He knows this because she told him so and she showed him pictures to boot. The Aussie sent him pictures too. They were of some half-naked chick with a wondrous ass whose face was never visible. So obviously she wasn't faking them, right?
Well, the same goes for this chick in Canada. So now I guess he's playing a waiting game. According to Dude whose admittedly not an unimpeachable source, the Aussie keeps making noises about going back home because of the lack of intimacy.
Stay tuned~
When last we visited the virtual world of Dude, his family had just met his disappointingly old-looking and misshapen online Australian dream girl. EFB and I had also met her and gone to the movies with the two of them.
For those of you following along at home, the Aussie turned out to be a rather aggressive instigator of, um, well, she likes the rough stuff.
Dude can’t get over the way she looks, despite their apparent compatibility. He says they have a good time together going places and talking. But when it comes to the cuddle hour, Dude is unable to overcome his revulsion at what she looks like without clothes.
She keeps asking him why he isn’t holding her and kissing her all the time because that’s what normal people in the early stages of a relationship do. Maybe so, but is that still the case when someone met online? Do those rules apply when the only real courtship occurred using a computer or telephone? Where exactly does reality come back into the picture? And, most importantly why do I sound like Carrie Bradshaw???
Dude told me he doesn’t want to hold her and kiss her. That would be fine if not for this next double-whammy: He’s still cool with her helping him out financially and doing housework and cooking for him. That was part of their agreement when they were courting but things changed when he decided he was repulsive.
What nobody knew was that these two had discussed marriage before she arrived. The deal was supposed to include whoever went to live in the other’s country. She pressed him on this several times during a phone conversation, asking him again and again if he would be willing to get married so that either she could obtain a green card in America or he could in Australia. He told her he was willing to do it. Then he saw her.
Dude keeps insisting he’s not shallow and this isn’t all about looks. His mother and sister met her and loved her. She is the polar opposite of his soon to be ex-wife, whose severe social anxiety prevented her from conversing in groups of people larger than two. This woman is extremely outgoing and engaging and she and his mom went and got they nails did the other day, gurrlll.
Apparently her bonding attempts proved successful as Dude’s mom and sister told him to make a go of it. There’s some logic there. He went to all the trouble of getting her here and talking on the phone for seven months. It makes sense to see what comes of it all. By contrast, his father admitted that he could see his son would be physically repulsed by her.
The other half of the previously mentioned double-whammy occurred when Dude admitted to EFB that he had another online love interest waiting in the wings. That's right, some chick in (wait for it) ANOTHER COUNTRY who is really hot and exactly what he was looking for. He knows this because she told him so and she showed him pictures to boot. The Aussie sent him pictures too. They were of some half-naked chick with a wondrous ass whose face was never visible. So obviously she wasn't faking them, right?
Well, the same goes for this chick in Canada. So now I guess he's playing a waiting game. According to Dude whose admittedly not an unimpeachable source, the Aussie keeps making noises about going back home because of the lack of intimacy.
Stay tuned~
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
FINAL REFUGE
This is the only place I can post my inner most thoughts without feeling like those who don't need to see it will. I can't do it on Facebook or MySpace or even my writer's blog, so here it is:
This has been one of the worst years of my life. I am so fucking depressed there are days I can't even function beyond eating, shitting, and going to work where, for some reason, I go into survival mode as if nothing is wrong for eight hours.
I won't go into lengthy detail but suffice to say everything that could have gone wrong has. Even the publication of my novel has not been the bright spot it should have been. In fact, there's been a pervasive anti-climatic feeling to the whole thing, not to mention how I feel about the way the promotional side has been handled. Which is to say it hasn't.
Financially I just can't seem to catch up without some new shit showing up, including an out of the blue garnishment for a so-called debt from 13 years ago! I'm not even sure that's legal but it doesn't matter now because it was owed to the State of Michigan and they decided to take it all in one lump sum, leaving me a couple hundred bucks for the next two weeks.
Try as I might, and there's no "might" about it, I can't seem to completely get over things from the recent past. Moments and memories plague me when I'm alone and no amount of writing can fill the hole that was left in me seven years ago. I still see the only face that ever brought a smile to mine but I don't smile when I see it anymore. Why should I? Someone else gets that priviledge now.
I'm making bad decisions with even worse consequences and I can't seem to make anything work for any significant length of time. I'd like to say I tried caring about things but bullshit kept getting in the way.
Don't go all wonky on me, but I have actually considered cashing it all in. Yes, that's exactly what it means. But then I realize I've been there many times before and wasn't even able to do that! So fuck it. Here I am, stuck, fucked and without luck.
Please don't send me comments of positive affirmations 'cause I really don't need that shit. It doesn't do anything except make me shake my head and roll my eyes. I don't need text messages of concern or emails asking for details. There aren't I'm willing to give. I'm just venting and this is my final refuge.
Fuck it. Forget I said anything~
This has been one of the worst years of my life. I am so fucking depressed there are days I can't even function beyond eating, shitting, and going to work where, for some reason, I go into survival mode as if nothing is wrong for eight hours.
I won't go into lengthy detail but suffice to say everything that could have gone wrong has. Even the publication of my novel has not been the bright spot it should have been. In fact, there's been a pervasive anti-climatic feeling to the whole thing, not to mention how I feel about the way the promotional side has been handled. Which is to say it hasn't.
Financially I just can't seem to catch up without some new shit showing up, including an out of the blue garnishment for a so-called debt from 13 years ago! I'm not even sure that's legal but it doesn't matter now because it was owed to the State of Michigan and they decided to take it all in one lump sum, leaving me a couple hundred bucks for the next two weeks.
Try as I might, and there's no "might" about it, I can't seem to completely get over things from the recent past. Moments and memories plague me when I'm alone and no amount of writing can fill the hole that was left in me seven years ago. I still see the only face that ever brought a smile to mine but I don't smile when I see it anymore. Why should I? Someone else gets that priviledge now.
I'm making bad decisions with even worse consequences and I can't seem to make anything work for any significant length of time. I'd like to say I tried caring about things but bullshit kept getting in the way.
Don't go all wonky on me, but I have actually considered cashing it all in. Yes, that's exactly what it means. But then I realize I've been there many times before and wasn't even able to do that! So fuck it. Here I am, stuck, fucked and without luck.
Please don't send me comments of positive affirmations 'cause I really don't need that shit. It doesn't do anything except make me shake my head and roll my eyes. I don't need text messages of concern or emails asking for details. There aren't I'm willing to give. I'm just venting and this is my final refuge.
Fuck it. Forget I said anything~
Thursday, August 6, 2009
SCRIBE DISCUSSES THE ISSUES...
Although my remaining vultures seem to be enjoying the exploits of Dude and his disappointing love life, I thought I’d take a break before the next phase to discuss some issues and stuff. I decided to pull three that I think are the most vital and post them from least to most. I haven’t really written about politics in a while but I suppose I need to start back up again at some point.
Please see topics below…
I said PLEASE! Don’t make me come through this monitor with old thunder and his buddy lightning ‘cause I’ll do it, man!
I’ll bring Hurricane Scribe to this BITCH and FEMA ain’t gonna help yo’ punk ass!!!
Ok, now that the requisite empty threats and shit talking are out of the way, let’s move on to the topic at hand: Scribe’s take On the Issues (So you don’t have to worry your pretty little head with all that darn thinkin’):
THAT STUPID INCIDENT WITH THE COP & THE HARVARD PROFESSOR: Every so often, an issue comes along that effectively divides white and black Americans right down the middle. They become so angry at each other over the perceived lack of understanding that they don’t notice those dirty Hispanics sneaking in their homes, putting their unwashed feet up on the furniture and eating their food. It’s a serious problem and one that’s only gonna get worse until we put up that electrified fence along the U.S. border. Even worse, while whites and blacks are fighting over stupid shit like this that doesn’t really amount to anything, those conniving Hindus are stepping in and taking over all customer service positions that aren’t created by the company I work for. Their ultimate goal is to make the experience so difficult for the customer through robotic monologues and incoherent accents that we will all break down and allow them to take over the country. Beware the brown people for they are on the march, my precious vultures!!!
THAT WHOLE HEALTH CARE BUGABOO: When a politician makes promises and doesn’t keep them, people act as if it’s the first time in history this has happened. More interesting, however, is when a politician tries his ass off to keep his promises and is blocked by the Old Guard of greed and corruption. Somehow nobody seems to notice this and reacts the same way they would if that politician had outright lied like Bush senior who claimed he wouldn’t raise taxes, Clinton when he said he would completely eradicate the ban on gays in the military, and W Bush when he said he wasn’t interested in nation building. President Obama has tried so hard to push his universal healthcare agenda through, yet something always seems to stop him. It’s easy to blame Republicans, whose only contributions to the national discussion have eben, “Everything Obama comes up with is a bad idea but we have no alternatives.” The real culprit here is the Democratic majority. Despite Obama’s often baffling attempts to gain bi-partisan support for his foals, the Democrats could push health care reform through whether the neo-cons like it or not. Instead, the so-called “blue dog” Dems in the Southern states, fearful for their political futures, are maintaining a steady resistance to what those on the right see as Obama’s socialist agenda. Those goddam commies. Always trying to give away the things we can use to make profit like human misery! That’s what this country was built on, by God! If we can’t exploit large groups of powerless people, how will we be able to afford that kick-ass LCD screen TV? Not to mention all the upright, moral members of congress and the House whose careers would be ruined if they were seen as supporting the masses over corporations which, by the way, have the same rights as individuals thanks to exploitation of the anti-slavery amendment.
So where’s all this going? Will we have an actual reform package enacted within the next year? Probably. Will it be watered down to the point of near unrecognizability by the time it’s passed through? Absolutely. Give him points for trying, but the president is ice-skating uphill on this one.
And now the most important issue of our (current) times:
THE EMINEM MARIAH CAREY FEUD: I must admit, Scribe do loves him a good feud! I’m not sure if this one qualifies yet, but Em’s history of fussin’ and feudin’ with people is legendary and I can’t think of a more deserving target. Don't get me wrong, my tongue swells at the sight of her, by Mariah Carey is an insane, alcoholic primadonna whose self-absorption is seconded only by English royalty. What’s the beef about, you ask? Apparently, Mariah Carey denies that she and Slim Shady ever dated six or seven years ago. Mr. Mathers found that insulting and did what he does best: came back with a funny line or two about Carey and her D-List husband, Nick Cannon. This prompted Cannon, a man whose main claim to fame is his stint on Nickelodeon as a child and his current hosting of the loathsome “So you think you can Dance,” fired back on his blog with such wacky witticism as, “I think homebody is obsessed.” He also used lots of caps and made sure to include “LOL” so we knew he wasn’t affected by something that obviously affected him deeply.
While there have been times when Eminem made one comment about someone and left it alone, this hasn’t been one of them. You see, Em claims to have proof that he and Carey dated and has threatened to provide it to the press if this keeps up. Why such a petty move? Well, ironically (if you believe in random chance that is foreshadowed by an idiot like Cannon) Carey released a song called “Obsessed” with a goateed stalker chasing her around in the video. Although she denies it, everybody else seems to think the stalker was supposed to be Eminem. Why she would be stupid enough to provide him with a brand new feud is beyond me but the bigger question is, why the fuck would you try to make a sly comment about a guy whose background is in winning battle-rap competitions where anything goes and all language is allowed? I may think Steven Segal is a joke but I ain’t gonna say it to his face!
Eminem responded to the perceived slam with a song called “The Warning” which not only goes into embarrassing detail about their one supposed sexual encounter but puts Nick Cannon back in his place with the hilariously apt line, “Before you try to destroy my career, you better get one.” He also extends an olive branch of sorts. You can hear the entire thing here: http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-warning-lyrics-eminem.html
This may not be Eminem’s greatest feud as it’s kind of like getting into an insult contest in high school with the kid who spent all night coming up with two good comebacks. I went up against that kid and wound up befriending him out of pity. Carey deserves no pity, and neither does black K-Fed. You can have that one, Em, since you were in semi-retirement during the years when you should’ve been going after Brittney Spears’ useless ex-husband~
Side note:
SOME NOTABLE EMINEM FUEDS OFF THE TOP OF ME NOGGIN:
Cage- A white New York rapper who used to get arrested for street fighting and spent time in a mental institution, Cage claimed Eminem stole his style for his first album. Feud seemed to die down after about 2002.
Insane Clown posse: Detroit-based wicked clown rappers who took umbrage to Eminem’s comments that he and Kid Rock were the only rappers rocking Detroit. They decided to do a song called “Slim Anus"to insult the upstart Johnny-come-lately and he naturally responded on the song, “Marshall Mathers.” They responded with the song, “Nothin’ but a Bitch Thang.” The disses from both were funny and both sides denied being punked out by the other. Feud culminated with Em pistol whipping ICP’s tour manager when he caught him with his no ex-wife and Rude Boy from ICP’s label chocking a guy in the crowd at a concert where an M&M’s t-shirt. Nobody died.
Vanilla Ice- The original white rapper (discounting the Beastie Boys & Third Bass) wasn’t too pleased with some of the lines on Eminem’s first album in reference to him. What he didn’t seem to get was Em was distancing himself from the man who had become an overnight joke before the comparisons started. Ice responded by saying Em rapped “like a girl” and Em made fun of the blond dreadlocks he was sporting at the time. Due to Ice’s apparent inability or unwillingness to create a put-down song, this one ended rather quickly.
Debbie Mathers- Eminem’s mom, whether she suffers from Munchausen’s disease or not, proved an invaluable source of inspiration to the lyrical grandmaster in his early days of notoriety. Sadly, it was all negative. She sued him at once point but he got more mileage out of her than any other subject matter.
Please see topics below…
I said PLEASE! Don’t make me come through this monitor with old thunder and his buddy lightning ‘cause I’ll do it, man!
I’ll bring Hurricane Scribe to this BITCH and FEMA ain’t gonna help yo’ punk ass!!!
Ok, now that the requisite empty threats and shit talking are out of the way, let’s move on to the topic at hand: Scribe’s take On the Issues (So you don’t have to worry your pretty little head with all that darn thinkin’):
THAT STUPID INCIDENT WITH THE COP & THE HARVARD PROFESSOR: Every so often, an issue comes along that effectively divides white and black Americans right down the middle. They become so angry at each other over the perceived lack of understanding that they don’t notice those dirty Hispanics sneaking in their homes, putting their unwashed feet up on the furniture and eating their food. It’s a serious problem and one that’s only gonna get worse until we put up that electrified fence along the U.S. border. Even worse, while whites and blacks are fighting over stupid shit like this that doesn’t really amount to anything, those conniving Hindus are stepping in and taking over all customer service positions that aren’t created by the company I work for. Their ultimate goal is to make the experience so difficult for the customer through robotic monologues and incoherent accents that we will all break down and allow them to take over the country. Beware the brown people for they are on the march, my precious vultures!!!
THAT WHOLE HEALTH CARE BUGABOO: When a politician makes promises and doesn’t keep them, people act as if it’s the first time in history this has happened. More interesting, however, is when a politician tries his ass off to keep his promises and is blocked by the Old Guard of greed and corruption. Somehow nobody seems to notice this and reacts the same way they would if that politician had outright lied like Bush senior who claimed he wouldn’t raise taxes, Clinton when he said he would completely eradicate the ban on gays in the military, and W Bush when he said he wasn’t interested in nation building. President Obama has tried so hard to push his universal healthcare agenda through, yet something always seems to stop him. It’s easy to blame Republicans, whose only contributions to the national discussion have eben, “Everything Obama comes up with is a bad idea but we have no alternatives.” The real culprit here is the Democratic majority. Despite Obama’s often baffling attempts to gain bi-partisan support for his foals, the Democrats could push health care reform through whether the neo-cons like it or not. Instead, the so-called “blue dog” Dems in the Southern states, fearful for their political futures, are maintaining a steady resistance to what those on the right see as Obama’s socialist agenda. Those goddam commies. Always trying to give away the things we can use to make profit like human misery! That’s what this country was built on, by God! If we can’t exploit large groups of powerless people, how will we be able to afford that kick-ass LCD screen TV? Not to mention all the upright, moral members of congress and the House whose careers would be ruined if they were seen as supporting the masses over corporations which, by the way, have the same rights as individuals thanks to exploitation of the anti-slavery amendment.
So where’s all this going? Will we have an actual reform package enacted within the next year? Probably. Will it be watered down to the point of near unrecognizability by the time it’s passed through? Absolutely. Give him points for trying, but the president is ice-skating uphill on this one.
And now the most important issue of our (current) times:
THE EMINEM MARIAH CAREY FEUD: I must admit, Scribe do loves him a good feud! I’m not sure if this one qualifies yet, but Em’s history of fussin’ and feudin’ with people is legendary and I can’t think of a more deserving target. Don't get me wrong, my tongue swells at the sight of her, by Mariah Carey is an insane, alcoholic primadonna whose self-absorption is seconded only by English royalty. What’s the beef about, you ask? Apparently, Mariah Carey denies that she and Slim Shady ever dated six or seven years ago. Mr. Mathers found that insulting and did what he does best: came back with a funny line or two about Carey and her D-List husband, Nick Cannon. This prompted Cannon, a man whose main claim to fame is his stint on Nickelodeon as a child and his current hosting of the loathsome “So you think you can Dance,” fired back on his blog with such wacky witticism as, “I think homebody is obsessed.” He also used lots of caps and made sure to include “LOL” so we knew he wasn’t affected by something that obviously affected him deeply.
While there have been times when Eminem made one comment about someone and left it alone, this hasn’t been one of them. You see, Em claims to have proof that he and Carey dated and has threatened to provide it to the press if this keeps up. Why such a petty move? Well, ironically (if you believe in random chance that is foreshadowed by an idiot like Cannon) Carey released a song called “Obsessed” with a goateed stalker chasing her around in the video. Although she denies it, everybody else seems to think the stalker was supposed to be Eminem. Why she would be stupid enough to provide him with a brand new feud is beyond me but the bigger question is, why the fuck would you try to make a sly comment about a guy whose background is in winning battle-rap competitions where anything goes and all language is allowed? I may think Steven Segal is a joke but I ain’t gonna say it to his face!
Eminem responded to the perceived slam with a song called “The Warning” which not only goes into embarrassing detail about their one supposed sexual encounter but puts Nick Cannon back in his place with the hilariously apt line, “Before you try to destroy my career, you better get one.” He also extends an olive branch of sorts. You can hear the entire thing here: http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-warning-lyrics-eminem.html
This may not be Eminem’s greatest feud as it’s kind of like getting into an insult contest in high school with the kid who spent all night coming up with two good comebacks. I went up against that kid and wound up befriending him out of pity. Carey deserves no pity, and neither does black K-Fed. You can have that one, Em, since you were in semi-retirement during the years when you should’ve been going after Brittney Spears’ useless ex-husband~
Side note:
SOME NOTABLE EMINEM FUEDS OFF THE TOP OF ME NOGGIN:
Cage- A white New York rapper who used to get arrested for street fighting and spent time in a mental institution, Cage claimed Eminem stole his style for his first album. Feud seemed to die down after about 2002.
Insane Clown posse: Detroit-based wicked clown rappers who took umbrage to Eminem’s comments that he and Kid Rock were the only rappers rocking Detroit. They decided to do a song called “Slim Anus"to insult the upstart Johnny-come-lately and he naturally responded on the song, “Marshall Mathers.” They responded with the song, “Nothin’ but a Bitch Thang.” The disses from both were funny and both sides denied being punked out by the other. Feud culminated with Em pistol whipping ICP’s tour manager when he caught him with his no ex-wife and Rude Boy from ICP’s label chocking a guy in the crowd at a concert where an M&M’s t-shirt. Nobody died.
Vanilla Ice- The original white rapper (discounting the Beastie Boys & Third Bass) wasn’t too pleased with some of the lines on Eminem’s first album in reference to him. What he didn’t seem to get was Em was distancing himself from the man who had become an overnight joke before the comparisons started. Ice responded by saying Em rapped “like a girl” and Em made fun of the blond dreadlocks he was sporting at the time. Due to Ice’s apparent inability or unwillingness to create a put-down song, this one ended rather quickly.
Debbie Mathers- Eminem’s mom, whether she suffers from Munchausen’s disease or not, proved an invaluable source of inspiration to the lyrical grandmaster in his early days of notoriety. Sadly, it was all negative. She sued him at once point but he got more mileage out of her than any other subject matter.
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